As a woman in my 30s, weddings are constantly up in my grill. I'm bombarded with wedding talk both in my personal life and in most entertainment geared towards women my age. Weddings: I get it!
I've been watching some nature documentaries lately, and you know what I learned? No other species on this planet has weddings. Squids don't send out save the date magnets. You think dolphins, giraffes or sloths deal with this? Hell no! They just copulate and go on with their lives. There's no awkward small talk with distant relatives, Kool and the Gang songs, or tiered cupcake trees involved.
This isn't to say that weddings themselves can't be a beautiful, meaningful event. And, it doesn't mean that I'm not happy for my friends for starting a new life. It's just that sometimes, I wish their new life would just get the hell out of my face, that's all. In particular, I'm sick of:
1. The endless parties: A bridal shower; an engagement party; a bachelorette party: not to be a stickler, but I'm pretty sure that even Nobel Peace Prize winners only get one party honoring them a year and they've actually accomplished something of merit. But, for some reason, we need to constantly celebrate the fact that two people met, can tolerate each other for extended periods of time, and will soon be eligible for certain tax breaks. Big whoop.
2. "Cool" brides: You'll know if you're dealing with a "cool" bride because she will constantly remind you of it. She's not having bridesmaids: she's cool! She's not making you buy a certain dress: she's cool! She's still expecting you to conform to her idea of what a bridesmaid should do, she's just not officially making you one because she's "cool!" Here's a rule of thumb: cool brides don't need to remind you that they're cool. They just are cool. Like, I don't need to constantly remind people that I'm not Nicki Minaj; I'm just not Nicki Minaj. It's pretty easy!
3. The cutesy blog detailing how they met: It's a little weird to create a blog dedicated to two people falling in love, especially when it's the two people who fell in love who are writing it. I'm expected to wade through their long-winded posts detailing what it was like when they first met? They went out for coffee and picked a restaurant they found on Yelp: it's not exactly compelling reading material. Were there car chases, drug overdoses, and/or incidents involving international espionage? No? Then step away from the computer, people. I have three episodes of "The Voice" on demand that I still need to watch.
4. Women over 25 who have the "It's MY day!" mentality: No, it isn't. Now pass the champagne, please.
5. The registries: Seriously, screw registries in the face. Wacky waffle irons? Outrageously expensive crock pots? High-end electronics that'll be outdated in two years? Of course the only things left by the time I get around to looking at it are the carnival-themed sundae bowls for $5.95 and the dutch oven for $150. Great. Looks like the happy couple's gettin' cold hard cash from me.
6. Oh yeah, all the money I have to spend: Do you know what I want to spend my money on? High-end shower products and tacos. End of list. But thanks to wedding season, I have to spend my hard-earned dineros on airfare and hotel rooms and control top pantyhose and I'm freakin' sick of it. Even if I decline attending the wedding, I still have to spend money on a gift. This sucks.
7. The constant stream of wedding-related Facebook updates: This is what the unsubscribe button was made for. Thanks, Mark Zuckerberg, for giving us this option. You are a gentleman and a scholar, sir. Because lately, with so many of my friends tying the knot, I've been zapping updates like my newsfeed is a virtual game of Whack-a-Mole.
I don't think wedding fever is going to end anytime soon, so I propose that we apply this level of enthusiasm to other life events. I just broke up with a guy I was seeing; I should get a Buzz Off brunch, a See Ya Later sushi dinner, and a Peace Out panini party. My registry will include bottles of top-shelf tequila and an iPad. That way I can post "Parks & Recreation" GIFs to my Tumblr while drinking margaritas and checking out hot guys at the park. That's a great idea. Let's celebrate everything! That way everyone wins.
Follow Anna Goldfarb on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ShmittenKitten
And to the people making infantile spinster "jokes:" nowhere does she say she's anti-marriage. The wedding is not the marriage, nor does it really have anything to do with the marriage once the couple has left the reception (or brunch, or whatever event they're concluding the damn things with now).
PS - My comment assumes a decent sized wedding, not one with 30 guests.
Brides, just say no.
I was never a "Here Comes a Bride" person. Always seemed so self-absorbed to me -- along with all the hoopla and the bride to be who can't stop talking about it, from the engagement ring on -- whether you want to hear about it or not.