I recently learned about Lynsie Torres, who is the youngest female billionaire on the planet. She's a race car driver who amassed her fortune from her family's stake in the fast food chain, In-N-Out Burger. That entire sentence sounds like a Mad Lib, but I assure you that it's true.
Naturally, I wondered what I'd do with that kind of money if I were in her (presumably) expensive shoes. As a woman in my 30s who is single and broke -- save for a few vinyl records from the '90s that I feel could fetch me upwards of $30 on eBay -- right off the top of my head, I had a few ideas of what I'd do if I were a billionairess like Ms. Torres:
1. I'd create my own greeting card line for single women. Think about it: Women in relationships get cards all the time. They get 'em for Valentine's Day, cutesy "just thinking of you" occasions and anniversaries. Single women should get more cards too. Let's level that playing field. I would make cards like, "Congrats on choosing your career over your love life!" or "I truly enjoy the pictures you post of your cat. Keep it up!" or "Sorry you have to be a bridesmaid for yet another wedding. I know you'd rather use the money you'll spend on airfare, travel and ugly clothing you'll never wear again on pretty much anything else. I feel ya, girlfriend!" or "Don't listen to your mother; she doesn't know what it's like for a single woman these days. So what if you're not married yet like all of your cousins? You're doing FINE, really." How much of a pep would this put in millions of womens' steps? More cards, more smiles. That's my motto right there.
2. I'd lobby the Cadbury Egg people to make larger eggs. Sometimes I need more sugary filling than one golf ball-sized Cadbury egg can provide. Give me an ostrich egg-sized confection, Cadbury. I want it to look like a Pterodactyl could've reasonably laid the thing. And, I want an egg filled with so much sugary goo that if I dropped it on a sidewalk, it'd look like a serious crime had been committed. Is that too much to ask?
3. I'd hire Bill Murray to hang out with me for at least four hours a month. We wouldn't even have to do anything. We could just sit on my parents' couch and shoot the breeze. Or, if the weather was nice, we could play a rowdy game of croquet on the front lawn and drink lemonades spiked with vodka. It'd be awesome. Alternate celebrities I'd consider such an arrangement with: Will Ferrell, Jason Schwartzman and Tina Fey.
4. I'd make sweet potato fries more of a thing. I'm not sure how to make this happen, but I figure as a billionairess, I'd find a way to get this superior fry into more American restaurants.
5. I'd make the Internet free. Everyone should have a right to a fast Internet connection. Now let's all make Tumblr blogs and post pictures from Beyoncé's Super Bowl performance.
6. I'd set up kitten parties in America's cities. If playing with a kitten doesn't put you in a good mood then I don't even know what to tell you. You must have Grinch-like levels of grumpiness to not delight in a roomful of kittens.
7. I'd commission Jon Hamm to leave encouraging voicemail messages for anyone who wants one. How great would it be to wake up to Jon Hamm telling you that you are a great person and that you're going to have a great day? Or have him tell you that he thinks you're beautiful even though you have morning breath and aren't wearing makeup? It'd be like an audio version of a hug and a shot of B-12.
8. I'd become best friends with Mark Cuban. We'd have a secret billionaire handshake which would involve elaborate choreography and some kind of exploding motion. He'd let me visit him on the set of "Shark Tank," and I'd get to meet Daymond John, which would rule. I'd even try to hug him if he'd let me. I just hope that one of his diamond stud earrings wouldn't get caught on my sweater because I hate when that happens.
9. I'd make more shoes in larger sizes. Buying great shoes is probably what Belinda Carlisle meant when she sang about heaven being a place on earth, but I'm a size 12, and nothing ever fits me, so I always feel left out. Most stores don't even keep my size in stock. If I had a billion dollars, I'd create a way for big-footed lasses such as myself to get a pair of decent, fashionable shoes at more major retailers.
10. I'd fix the student debt crisis. Or, if I couldn't completely fix it, at the very least I'd buy everyone drowning in student loan debt a taco. It may not solve anyone's problem in the long-term, but have you ever tried frowning while you eat a taco? Based on me imagining it right now, I'd say that it's pretty much impossible.