THE BLOG
12/31/2012 01:09 pm ET Updated Mar 02, 2013

10 New Year's Resolutions That I Vow to Actually Keep

New Year's resolutions, get out of my face! Maybe it's just me, but I'm not a huge fan of taking moral inventory of my life's decisions after I've been binging on holiday cookies for a month straight. Besides, I can't even think of one resolution that I've kept in the long run. As soon as I resolved to lose weight, I immediately reached for a shrimp spring roll. And as soon as I resolved to spend less money on things I don't need, I busted into CVS and bought six shades of nearly identical pink nail polish. They all had awesome names like Pouty Party and Camisole Strap and Puff Piece and Ballet Slipper Surprise, so I couldn't decide which one to get and I got 'em all. Clearly, I'm terrible at this. So, here are my resolutions that I plan to actually stick to:

1. Rule my social networks with an iron fist. This guy I talked to once outside of a Burger King in Chicago when I was 19 somehow found me on Facebook and has decided to comment on every status update I post. Let me tell you, I finally blocked him the other day and felt so good. Yes, this year, my newsfeed is going to be like my own personal Hunger Game. You can't hear me, but I just let out an evil laugh.

2. Get more sports bras. I only have three and they all have seen better days. They're so sad and raggedy I feel like I should apologize to them for even keeping 'em in rotation. I'm serious, they look like Keith Richards in bra form. I resolve to take my tush to Target and buy a few more to take 'em out of their misery.

3. Sayonara, TV show-related guilt. Let's face it, I will never get around to watching Friday Night Lights and it's time I just let it go. I'm sure it's great program, but I refuse to beat myself up about not watching five seasons of a high school football-themed show any longer. I'm also not gonna watch Dr. Who or this season of Boardwalk Empire. God, that feels good to get off my chest.

4. Drink the same amount of coffee. I have between one and two cups a day and I'm happy with that amount. I resolve to keep that up.

5. I will be nicer to my parents' cat, Daisy. She's over 20 years old, pees on everything and scratches all the sofas in the house. She weighs as much as a cotton ball, which confuses me, because how can something that weighs a fraction of an ounce be responsible for so much destruction? I wish I could catapult her into a neighboring county, but I can't. So, I honestly will try to be civil to this cat from hell and not wish for her imminent demise every year when I blow out my birthday candles. On the upside, maybe easing up on giving her the evil eye will help minimize the development of my crow's feet. That's a pleasant bonus.

6. Up my snack game. There's more snacks available to us than at any other time in history (I feel like this should be true, but don't quote me on it!) so I should take advantage of this unique time in civilization and toss more interesting snacks into my shopping cart. Marinated olives, artisanal pickles and baked pita chips, you guys are comin' home with me.

7. Stop being so nice to the people who give out samples at Costco. I have a terrible habit of making eye contact and smiling when I reach to grab samples. From now on, I will work to blend into the crowd more and avert my gaze when I snap up a sample. That way, I can go undetected when I reach over to grab another piping hot bite-sized triangle of spanakopita.

8. Grow a vegetable in my garden. I don't know anything about gardening, so this might require eyeballing a few gardening blogs. (Do they even have gardening blogs? They must.) Let's downgrade a smidge: I will at least grow an herb. Something sturdy, like basil. How hard can that be? You just drop a handful of seeds on some dirt or something, right? Wait, I need to get a garden. Maybe my parents will let me use their front lawn if I ask nicely. How about this: I resolve buy a pot of basil at the grocery store and put it on my windowsill. I can definitely handle that.

9. Move out of my parents' house. This is the biggest item on my list as it also requires the most effort. But, hopefully by 2014, I'll scoop up my spankin' new gym bras, my fancy snacks and my pot of basil and plop 'em down at my very own address. What can I say? I'm dreaming big here.

10. I resolve to keep at least one of these resolutions. This one's a bit of a loophole, but I gotta use all my tricks to make this year's resolutions stick.

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