An Adult's Preposterous, Laughable, No Good, Very Real Day

05/22/2015 05:23 pm ET | Updated May 22, 2016

Have you read the amazing children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst? If not, you should. Here's my parody of the original, from an adult's point of view:

I went to bed with my $750 night guard in my mouth and now it's lost in my room, and when I woke up this morning my kids were cranky ("Out of my room!") and starving ("Cereal, stat!") and we were out of milk, and by mistake I got black mascara all over my hands and then wiped them on my white, silk shirt. I could tell it was going to be a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

On the subway, one guy was twitching and another was talking to himself, two people were making out in a way that should be reserved for a private place, a woman put her hairy armpit in my face and I swear I saw another woman's pubes poking through her pants. I looked around for someone, anyone, normal, and I found him! I tried to make eye contact in a way that said, "At least we have each other" but then he started twitching and doing weird things with his mouth and something wet dripped on my head. I think I'll move to Canyon Ranch.

During a break at work, I checked in with Facebook and saw links to secondary drowning and how to recognize a stroke, stories about spouses dying, children getting electrocuted and mass shootings. I am paralyzed with fear. I can't leave the building because I might get run over by a car on the sidewalk, but I can't stay in the building because someone might come in and shoot all of us. My anxiety is making me anxious. I really need to go to Canyon Ranch. It was going to be a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

At lunch, my colleague, Jim, got a turkey sandwich with American cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and coleslaw on a roll, with a chocolate milkshake to wash it down, and another colleague, Tom, got pizza, a large coke, and garlic knots. I had mixed greens with sprouts and a bottle of water. Can't seem to shed the last 10 pounds of baby weight.

Just as I was settling back into work, my daughter's school called to tell me that she had puked and that I had to pick her up immediately. It took an hour to get 40 blocks. The puke was all over her brand new shoes and jacket and when I hugged her, the smell was so bad that I threw up a little in my mouth, and then swallowed it. When I dropped my daughter off at home, I noticed that my sitter didn't look so great. She probably has Ebola. It was a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

Back at the office, my computer was down. Tech support advised me to try restarting it. Maybe I could work for tech support. While my computer was rebooting, I looked over my "to do" list (all 47 items and growing by the second). I have to fill out camp forms for the kids, go on a diet, refill prescriptions, grocery shop, find a group to join (I'm not vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free or raw foods only, so I don't know where I fit in), get highlights, make photo albums of the kids before they leave for college, register the kids for Fall activities, order food for my son's birthday party, call a friend, replace the light bulbs, learn to cook, start a blog, call the cable company, teach my son to read, send thank you notes and go to the gym. I took a break from the gym for 15 years. I advise against that. This is the kind of preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day that makes me want to scream, "Screw this, I'm moving to Canyon Ranch!" But who would care?

I knew it was going to be a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day because I forgot my best friend's birthday, even though I had reminders in my phone, in Microsoft Outlook and in my written calendar. Yeah, I still keep a written calendar, so what? My friend said she didn't care that I forgot her birthday but now I bet she's going to get back at me by "forgetting" my birthday, and then I won't even have the right to be mad at her. I also pissed off this "cool" woman who I do charity work with, you know the type: she's really loud because she has nothing intelligent or interesting to say, and you don't really like or respect her but you have to pretend to and pretend really well or else you'll have to stand by yourself at all of the fundraisers. I hope she moves to Canyon Ranch.

I ran into my brother and his colleagues on the way home from work and he specifically reminded me not to ask his boss about his wife, since they're going through a divorce. I'm usually good at remembering these kinds of things but all the guys looked exactly the same and I forgot which one was his boss and asked about his wife. After an awkward silence my brother told me not to call him anymore.

It was a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

I made kale and quinoa for dinner even though I hate kale and quinoa. There was no hot water in the shower, my toothpaste was hard, my necklace fell down the drain and I'd already seen the episode of House Hunters that I was counting on to soothe me to sleep. I was out of Ambien, the AC still wasn't turned on (it's May!), and my sitter called in sick for tomorrow. You know, because she has Ebola.

It was a preposterous, laughable, no good, very real day.

My shrink says some days are like that. Even at Canyon Ranch.