Equal Opportunity Wedding Etiquette
The Vermont state legislature voted today to overturn Governor Jim Douglas' veto allowing gays and lesbians to marry, making Vermont the fourth state to allow same-sex marriage (and the first by legislative vote). Nine years ago, Vermont became the first state to allow civil unions for same-sex couples. Living in Vermont then, as I do now, I remember the public debates. I also remember the conversation here at The Emily Post Institute, as we examined our books to be sure we covered the emerging question of same-sex unions. I was pleased to find there weren't too many differences then, and there aren't now, either.
When I'm asked questions about how heterosexual marriage traditions translate to same-sex unions and marriages, I find I almost always give the same answer: You have pretty much all the same options as anyone else. It's a very equal-opportunity process no matter the gender pairing in question; you can look to tradition as a model, but just as many heterosexual couples have reason to adapt or abandon certain traditions, so do same-sex couples.
Would you like to cut the cake and feed each other pieces? Have a first dance? Toss a bouquet? It's all about what makes sense and is meaningful to you and your guests. I attended a same-sex wedding ceremony in December, and the grooms chose to walk down the aisle together, hand-in-hand. This was a beautiful adaptation of the classic bride's tradition, and the guests all clapped when they saw the couple together. The crowd usually cheers when the couple embraces for the first time as a married couple at the end of the ceremony--but this time we saw them together from the very beginning, creating a very different energy for the ceremony. No etiquette was broken; in fact, it was perfect for this couple, and therefore the best choice.
Choice is a key word. Brides marrying brides and grooms marrying grooms are not heterosexual couples, and it should never be assumed that one person will play the "part" of bride or groom. Incorporate gender traditions only when they are meaningful to you. When Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi married, Ellen wore a simple white pant suit (as is her normal style) and Portia a full-on wedding dress. The ladies looked lovely, but they could just as easily have both worn pants or both worn bridal gowns. It all comes down to being true to yourselves and respectful of your guests, whether you're gay or straight. Satisfy that, and the rest is just details.
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It is all about love and commitment.
when my brother married his partner of 20 years at city hall in San Francisco, my mother chose a lovely outfit, my father sang a song: we just we all so happy. What more can I say?
Well, I can say very much. It was special to see my brother and his partner married at last, and it was special and emotional like any marriage, but perhaps I have to say that the state to take away this marriage, which was not accepted federally, was so wrong. So wrong you have no idea how wrong. I cannot believe people who would strip people of their civil rights, their dignity and their love can call themselves spiritual. I just cannot stand it anymore. I have had it. Enough with the hate, enough with the discrimination.
I attended one of the earliest blessings of a gay union back in the early 80's in Atlanta, Ga. The couple was extremely happy, the food, music, flowers and things were lovely and they are still together.
Should I ask my friends to put their love and happiness on hold for political reasons? No! I do respect those that chose not to marry for political reasons (although it seems to me to be more of a "love" reason). I would be extremely hurt and concerned if one of my friends did not invite me to their wedding. I have two coming up this summer, and I couldn't be happier for both couples. And once I'm able to have a wedding, both will be invited...and one of the grooms will be my best man!
I’ve been to the weddings of all of my straight friends and I can not imagine how I would have felt if I was not invited because I am gay. I think I our friendships would have been seriously strained. These traditions exist to not only bind the couple together, but to bind their loved ones to them in shared experience. I shudder to think what my relationships with them would be like today without these wonderful memories.
I once read a Miss Manners column that went something like this.
Dear Miss Manners: What do I say when introduced to a homosexual couple?
Dear Gentle Reader: "How do you do. How do you do"
Priceless.
Love Miss Manners: still addicted to her posts on The Buffalo News website.
That is an interesting post, Miss Post. However, I think what would be more appropriate would be for you to write a post encouraging Heterosexuals NOT to insult gay people by inviting them to their weddings. After all, you wouldn't expect me to invite my Jewish friends to an event taking place at a club that does not allow Jews, now would you?
Am I the only person who sees how tasteless this habit of heterosexuals is? Not as tacky as most of your habits: starting wars, inventing the income tax, over populating the world with children it cannot sustain. The list, sadly, goes on and on.
What an incredible lack of logic. I don't assume that the only reason my gay friends want to marry is so that they can make a political statement, and I don't plan to treat my own wedding as a political statement, either.
I would understand if these friends were to decline a wedding invitation, and wouldn't think they were rude. But to ignore them as though they somehow can't be happy for me? I don't think so.
By the way, just love the list of bad habits "invented" by homosexuals. I am SO glad to know that no one in the GLBT community has ever been involved in any of those nasty things.
That is exactly the point. If you get married in a state that doesn't allow gay marriage, you are in fact making a political statement whether you intend to or not.
I'm sorry, where exactly is my lack of logic? Where did I say this was a political statement?
I said it was about manners. Not politics. Certainly the two have nothing in common.
I found the story interesting, but would have been interested in her thoughts on this apparently, delicate topic.
Please note for me the gay people behind the Income Tax, the two world wars, our current predicament, etc...
Or better yet, just mind your own business. My comments were directed at the author (who I like) not your desire to have people be happy for YOU.
I think your logic is completely flawed. One of my best friends is gay and I think she would be horribly offended if I didn't invite her to my wedding because she was gay. In fact I think snubbing her like that might be seen as homophobic. If, however, she agrees with your theory that a gay person should not attend a wedding because they can't get married then she has the right to turn down my invitation. However, I am getting married in Boston so that theory would not hold water in this case.
I don't know if you're the only person, but inviting friends to celebrate is hardly tasteless.
On the other hand, I admire those heterosexual couples who choose not to marry until their glbt friends have the same civil rights.
As for your hypothetical question... why would you belong to a club that bans Jews if you respect your Jewish friends? Tacky and tasteless.
I don't. That's why it is hypothetical. People do things like that you know. And that is indeed - tacky and tasteless.
Keep your ridiculous opinions to yourself and don't thrust them upon the whole GLBT community, as a gay man I would be incredibly offended if my straight friends did not invite me to their wedding.
Actually, Busbydav, I think I will. Boy, you people on here are nasty. If you don't agree with someone there thoughts are 'ridiculous', 'tacky & tasteless'.
And who said I was a member of the gay community? I can see that I implied that by the word 'your', but that was an oversight.
Boy, I was just trying to be polite. You know what, the next time something effecting gay rights comes up - I'm just going to ignore it. Apparently gay people don't actually mind their status as 2nd Class Citizens. I"m going to copy and paste all of these responses and send them to everyone I know so that they to can ignore gay issues from now on.
And don't bother responding. I'm not coming back to this one. I wish you all the best.
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