Manners Fit For A Queen

President and Mrs. Obama met with Queen Elizabeth of Britain yesterday. President Obama is new to office, and this is their first meeting--the first visit between the leaders of two of the world's biggest superpowers. During a huge financial crisis. And what does the media talk about? The fact that Michelle Obama touched the Queen. The Times of London heralded, "Protocol is abandoned as Michelle Obama cozies up to queen," which just goes to show that anything can be sensationalized.

Mrs. Obama has done nothing so very terrible; the queen did reach out to touch her first, after all. I highly doubt Mrs. Obama was aware of making a choice about her action--it's such a natural response when someone puts their arm around you to respond in kind, especially for a photograph. To do otherwise would be considered quite rude in normal circumstances. Whether Mrs. Obama knew beforehand or not that one shouldn't touch the queen, I can't believe that she was deliberately throwing protocol out the window. When such an act was clearly a simple mistake, the queen (not surprisingly) did what was best: to simply move on and not embarrass Mrs. Obama by drawing attention to it.

It is however, a good cautionary tale: Manners are still important. Manners tell us what to do in any given situation. When all goes smoothly, the focus stays where I think it's most important: on the interaction or exchange between two people. Put another way, it lets us do what we're there to do: build or establish a relationship and share good information.

When it doesn't go as planned, the focus goes to why not. In this case, to Mrs. Obama touching the queen when according to British protocol, that's not supposed to happen.

This is also the perfect example of a second important lesson: The best kind of etiquette absorbs the mistakes of others; it doesn't make them feel the error of their ways. Why is that so key? For one thing, it's incredibly gracious, a sign of etiquette in action if ever there was one. For another, it gets us back to where we should have been--building a relationship--in the quickest manner possible. Taking someone to task for a genuine mistake or dismissing them by turning away with a figurative pursed mouth and nose in the air keeps the focus on the mistake, or worse, rejects the relationship. By forgiving the gaffe in the moment and correcting course back to where everyone should have been, you are displaying true respect and consideration for the relationship you have invested in building.

Queen Elizabeth and Michelle Obama are two of the most gracious women on the planet, and I think we can all take a leaf from their respective books: After all, etiquette is about acceptance of others and natural grace.

Comments

[Passenger57]

How would it have looked if the Queen put her arm around First Lady Obama and she raised her arms over her head and yelled, "Look ! She's touching me and I am NOT touching her in any way! No breach of protocol here, baby! NOT me! Queen, you are in trouble!"
Not only is it ridiculous, but the Queen did it first (which should be the real story), there's no real rule about it, and Mrs. Obama would have looked silly not doing it back - in fact, it's almost impossible to not do it back.

[joebiz]

Is it bad manners to touch a woman who inherited her position through birth? Through an antiquated political system based on heraldy and heredity and fiefdoms and feudalism? It's so anti-American.

What's the beef? The issue with the Brits is that Mrs. Obama is not White or Anglo-Saxon or Protestant.

The "special" relation the UK claims to have with the US is essentially that of subserviance by the British. The question should be: "Was it in bad form for the Queen to touch OUR FIRST LADY"?

Hands off Michelle!!

[TripperDay]

She isn't a Protestant?

[HuffEurope2]

No matter how the PR people spin this, it is DEFINITELY a booboo by Mrs. Obama, but I'm sure she's been forgiven! The Queen is a fine hostess.

We northern Europeans aren't quite as huggy as you Yanks! As a middle-aged Brit whose watched the Royals over the years I know there is a lot of etiquette, but people are told that if they forget all of it just remember "don't touch the Queen". If she puts her hand out you can shake it but that's it. If the Queen really did make the first move at some sort of hug it would be a first time since she was Queen and big news!

But it's not a big deal is it? And we Brits/Europeans do really love the Obama's. She's amazing and I think BHO was polled at 88% of the vote in Europe (not that we had one!) just before your election.

[ddravla]

"If the Queen really did make the first move at some sort of hug it would be a first time since she was Queen and big news! "

The Queen did make the first move. She did embrace Michelle first. So any ambiguous claim of
a breach of etiquette has no merit. If you want a headline for the tabloids, it should be " The Queen touches someone for the first time in her life!!"

[HuffEurope2]

I didn't know we had video evidence of this historic event. I am surprised, headline stuff!

I didn't doubt that she would have responded to such a gesture from a guest because to do otherwise she would have thought rude. Ah, such weighty matters of state.

[chnge2012]

Why isnt the America media talking about Barak Hussien Obama bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia which in their culture is a subserviant gesture. Although he is the President of the United States he is over there on behalf of the country not himself, so he spoke for all Americans in saying we are beneath you which is unforgivable.

[Lolly]

Editing and clipping videotapes to distort reality is also a breach of etiquette, no?

[ddravla]

"in their culture is a subservient gesture."

And what finishing school did you go to? Read a book on international etiquette before you start chattering about things you don't know anything about. I'm sure the Obama's were not only briefed on proper protocol overseas, but read half a dozen books on the subject before they left, unlike the previous president who couldn't get past reading a comic book.

[BeachBubbaTex]

Didn't W finish "My Pet Goat"?

[tahoegal]

Oh good grief people! She touched the Queen and the Queen responded....so what's the big deal? Everyone who meets Michelle seems to adore her - the kids all want hugs, she exudes good will and intelligence. The Queen saw the real Michelle, and she responded - so get over yourselves!

[Trittydi]

According to an etiquette expert I heard on a radio show - the rules issued by Buckingham Palace for public events and diplomatic encounters DO NOT specify that one cannot touch the Queen.
*

[Ripedia]

Who cares about royal protocol anymore? It is all completely pointless and they need to abandon their many ridiculous rules.

[thinkagain2]

Didn't Buckingham Palace come out with a statement that no such protocol exists and that there was no breech of etiquette?

It seems that Michelle Obama is a warm, genuine person who put the queen at ease and was accepted as she was without need for a false bridge of protocol. Maybe ''t touch the queen' thing was invented to keep G Bush from trying to give her a shoulder rub.

[Freda from Scotland]

Yes our Queen is a bit standoffish and she doesnt like to be touched or handled in any way. However, cannot remember a time when she put out her arm to a visiting delegate. She will have followed the election of President Obama with great interest. She will have liked what she saw of both these lovely people, the way they speak to everyone, put their arms around each other and those they come into contact with. The people in that room would have known if she had been offended, she wasnt, she smiled, she laughed and even flirted a bit as did Prince Philip. So when the Queen is in charge there is no protocol - she enjoyed meeting this fine couple, that was so obvious. So please newspaper editors let us see a different headline 'Queen welcomed Michelle Obama with open arms', that is much nearer the truth. President and Mrs Obama have done your country proud, we just love them both so please support them in the huge task that is ahead. Remember the last eight years when President Bush had to be brought in the back door as there were so many protestors objecting to him being in their country. Your new president is a credit to you and is loved across the world. He will bring back a dignity to the US that has been lacking for so many years.

[Aranxa]

This is the most spot on post on this this I've read anywhere. Thank you Freda

[missbelladog]

Thank you Freda. I am proud that we have these two people representing us.

[MsMeryMac]

Excellent reply. I will be visiting the United Kingdom (London and Edinburgh) in August, and I hope everyone is as kind as you!

[BeachBubbaTex]

My bias: I think Michelle Obama is great. That said, do we really need to follow the foolish lead of the British tabloid press?

Compare the U.S. coverage to her "touching the queen" (gasp!) to her speech to those London girls. One is driven by protocols that we rejected 200+ years ago. The other a clear value lesson on how one woman succeeded within a meritocracy. I know which story I pointed out to my kids.

[Lolly]

Actually, from what I've heard, it's the American rt wng press/blogs that are upset about it--much more so than the British.

[sedum]

Queen "Brenda" and her spawn would likely be scratching out a living in some Caravan Park in the north of England if they depended on talent rather than protocol.

More power to her for keeping the absurd fantasy alive, however decadent and destructive.

[noleftturns]

american bourgeoisie. wouldn't expect anything less.

[BalancedEgg]

It must be quite a burden for women to feel such a subservience to manners, etiquette and antiquated protocols when playing the roles of hostess and guest before the public eye. What seems even more burdensome is the sense of obligation that women feel to comment, critique and rationalize all of it. This form of self consciousness will continue to be "women's work" as long as they keep abusing each other in such a prim and proper manner. Anna, I hope your legs were crossed at the ankle while you wrote this ode to nothingness. How can women be taken seriously when they continue to do this to each other?

[hyjanks]

Beautifully said.

[DC]

Well said on the importance and purpose of manners and graciousness. Respect, graciousness and manners that are the result of this, make life better for us all.

[Figural]

I wish your media would put this on their front pages - http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/apr/05/michelle-obama-school-london.

Michelle Obama told these girls in an inner-city school that it's cool to be smart, to work hard, and she loved getting her work done and getting A's; that she's where she is because of her education and her own hard work. They're inspired; kids, but girls especially, need to hear more encouragement like this. Your First Lady totally rocks.

[maribelle1963]

Here, here, Figural. I was moved to tears by that speech and the reaction of those girls.

Our First Lady rocks indeed. Our media? Not so much.

[lee4713]

I'm almost 50 years old, and I can't remember the last time that a prominent woman told girls that it's cool to be smart and work hard. I still bear the scars of being labeled "smart" (not to mention "nice"). No wonder those girls were practically mobbing her. Look what happened when Hillary Clinton came on stage - evidently it's OK to be smart, as long as it's in the service of Neanderthal white men and doing their work for them; otherwise you are fair game for every kind of filth.