OK. It's the end. And boy did that engine lose steam. Am I right?
I appreciate that this episode got right down to business. No preamble. Here we go.
Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Oh god. I just don't know what to say. First, she wants us all to think that Russell may have been murdered. I get that. Accepting someone close to you can't be easy. But then the recording devices (sidebar: I like how Taylor makes herself seem all business-womany by saying Russell recorded her in the office because knew she's be in there all day), the lie detector tests and the most bizarre story ever. So here's what I got from it: Russell's hiding in the bushes after pretending to leave because Taylor wants to talk girlie stuff with her girlfriend and her fiancé. Hiding in the bushes, people. He hears Taylor's friends say they'll help her get away from Russell so he jumps out of the bushes, hit her friends' fiancé in the back of the head several times. Throws Taylor's girlfriend and dog in the pool. Almost drowns Taylor. Ambulances arrive. And when Andy asks the million-dollar question, did these friends prosecute Russell? Taylor says "No because I asked them not to." Cue Brandi's look of disbelief that matches my own. Taylor, I don't care how good your friends are. This is just too looney tunes.
Then come in Team Somewhat Sane as I am dubbing them -- Brandi and Camille. And you know things are rough when they are the voices of reason. "Nothing was adding up to me," says Brandi. Same here, Brandi, same here. Camille is more vague saying the whole things just "creeps" her out. And in a way, that may be the most succinct summary of the situation. The moment of course dissolves into some fourth-grade nonsense between Taylor and Brandi over who said what to whom first. And when Taylor rattles off all the doctors and procedures she had to get done, there's something chilling to it.
"Well best of luck," says Andy. What else can be said? Oof.
Dana is brought in. Her makeup is awful. I do like the longer hair. Those shoes... they have a middle finger and a diamond on them, which pleases Dana. Go see a shrink, Dana. Taylor knows a real winner.
I am so happy that Brandi calls Dana out on being the biggest brown noser ever to Kim and Kyle on Game Night. (Is it just me or has "Game Night" earned the same gravitas as "The Battle of Hastings" or "the bubonic plague"?) I had totally forgot about that weird hippy crap she was laying on Kyle. When Kyle just wouldn't be on the same level as Dana made me miss the old Kyle. Ah, memories.
I need to stop for a second to acknowledge the Baby Geniuses reference from Andy.
Camille again is surprisingly able to come off as the classier one when she complains about Dana always bringing up how much she spends. These women are "not lowkey humble chicks. I mean look at them" Dana retorts. Touché, Dana, but you're still pretty disgusting. Then comes the best exchange of the night when Dana points out that Giggy wears "attires" for every event. "Because he's got alopecia," Lisa says as if she's explaining that two and two equal four. It's just too good.
Dana's sob story is also pretty bizarre as she first says that she left home at age fifteen and built her whole life for herself. But actually she just moved in with her really rich dad in New York City after her mom died. I love that Andy is impressed with where she went to school. "I am a guy who is like not really from anything," she says. What that means I just don't know.
Then of course Game Night is brought up again. Brandi and Dana argue over what really went down. "Watch the episode" Brandi challenges her as if it's a perfect documentation.
The ultimate time filler is when the "house husbands" show up. The affection Andy has for Paul is clear when he introduces him as "our buddy Paul." I'll admit it; I love Paul--especially when he gave Taylor that facial consultation at the gate when she ran out of Lisa's tea party. What was he doing there, loitering? I think he just wanted to be invited. The Mauricio montage was appreciated but I fear the wrath of Kyle. You should too. Don't send him nude pictures, please, for your sake! Ken's "wild days" are too ridiculous to take seriously and so is his declaration, "I'm fairly attractive to women." Andy asks Ken why he thinks Cedric showed up at SUR? Um, because he was invited by the producers? Lisa then says that there's been so much abuse from Cedric "in the press" is great because you know she considers US Weekly to be the new New Yorker.
Then it's time. Kim time! We see her first as she peeks behind the doorjamb. She's still so weird. Andy thinks she looks healthy. I think she always looks like a hot mess. Less of one, yes, but she still has that little bit of cray cray that makes her Kim.
She immediately cops to being an alcoholic. I think it comes so easy for her because that was the least of her problems. "At least I'm trying" she says after she reveals she's been to rehab three times. I give her credit there. We get a peek into her grim family life as she says she was asked to go to rehab at a family intervention the day after Thanksgiving at the behest of her daughter.
She thinks that in the beginning of the season you cans see "how strong and powerful" she was. Hmm. Not quite how I remember it. When Brandi is brought up Kim says sullenly "the difference is I owe her [an apology] for hiding her crutches and she owes me one for hurting basically all of the people I love." She really is a pre-teen isn't she?
When Andy shows her clips of the SUR episode and we see her watching them as we re-watch them, things get a bit meta. As she watches the epic shot from in the hallway where you can hear Ken saying "just put it in the towel," I want to know what she is thinking. But really I want to know what was in that damn towel. Or maybe I don't.
It's a relief when she says she's no longer with Ken. But she's living in a hotel. She is getting ready to move. Again. This woman is a nomad. Someone please find her a home!
Then Kyle pops out like an unwanted guest on an episode of Jerry Springer. This is when things start to lose steam. Andy really drags it out, asking questions that are usually much too dumb and obvious compared to his usual ones. He asks Kim why she can talk about her addiction problems now but couldn't on the first season reunion. Could it be because she totally wigged out this season? Kim and Kyle have so clearly not worked things out and it still seems to be pretty raw. It made me cringe every now and again. Kyle says "Phew!" that Kim wasn't pregnant. Kim doesn't like it and tells her to stop it. Those two have a longggg road ahead of them.
"Thanks Andy" they say in unison and giggle. The credits roll. Emptiness takes hold of my heart. But the Real Housewives of Orange Country is starting up again so we all have something to live for.