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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion

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Ah! And so the drama that Shakespeare himself could not have done better goes onward. (Come on, we all know that Andy Cohen acts as the voice of the people as much as he is like Puck who messes with the lives the four lovers in A Midsummer Night's Dream.) The reunions are my favorite part, to be honest. There's just the right amount of absurdity watching these women who are probably in the midst of filming the next season (awkward) rehash the ups and downs of the past. It's refreshing and even somewhat meta to see these women acknowledge the fact that there were cameras and people whispering secrets into their ears while they were filming. The reunion specials are just as heated at the 2012 Republican primary debates, but about much more pressing issues.

This reunion had many of the usual staples: the dramatic music coming in from a commercial break (what do you think goes down when they have those pauses?), the garish set, the fluffy memories (like that creepy gyrating mermaid at Pandora's engagement party), Andy being cheeky as ever ("Mazel" he says to Camille on owning all her properties) and the fights over who said what that are way complicated.

I've got to say that most of the ladies look relatively good. Lisa has on the requisite amount of jewels. Adrienne's' cape is... interesting. Kyle and Camille seemed to be wearing the same color. (Someone's stylist is going to be getting a talking to.) Brandi's breasts were in their usual attack mode.

Camille's hair was delicately done. Think of the wild ride we have been on with that one. Who would have imagined her image rehabilitation? Yes, her henchman still seems to do her dirty work (with or without her permission) but she's much more the outspoken and honest hero than the villain. Oh, Housewives, you do show the delicacies of the human condition so eloquently.

We immediately see that Kim is gone. Andy begins by asking "Ladies what was your reaction when you found out that Kim went to rehab?" Duh? The women try their best to act surprised. When Kyle says you'll have to ask Kim herself why she went to rehab, the more appropriate question is what didn't she go to rehab for?

Andy starts out soft with Adrienne's chicken and soap incident. It was great that she tried to defend herself by saying that there's some overpriced unnecessary veggie wash at Whole Foods. My favorite thing was when Andy called Lisa's butt a "donkey booty." What is he talking about? I don't know but I am using that phrase from now on.

We turn to Pandora's wedding -- the ridiculously pink wedding I would have wanted at age six. Lisa tries her best to make it seem a small affair. We wanted something "beautiful at home." "Lowkey," Andy quips. Thank you for calling her out on that, Andy. It's "what we wanted" Lisa concludes after a guessing game at how much it cost. Poor Pandora, first for being named Pandora and then having Lisa and the craziest wedding planner ever take over your wedding.

Then we get into one of my absolute favorite parts of any Housewife reunion: where the ladies fight over their diction to such a degree you'd think they were fastidious Oxford University English professors. Adrienne is not pleased that Lisa dubbed her shoes the "Maloof Hoof." (I thought it was cute...) Camille doesn't think it was nice either. Lisa then calling it a "little fat shoe" doesn't exactly help her case. And this quibble comes after Adrienne is mad Lisa called her dog Jackpot "Crackpot" on Twitter. "He's like my child" Adrienne says. And that is infinitely weirder for a woman to say when she actually does have children. The sparring between Lisa and Adrienne seems to take the Housewife fighting to a different level. When one housewife is mad that the other didn't stay at the casino her family owns, we know we are talking about the big leagues.

The next few minutes are spent bashing Lisa. Kyle doing a fake British accent is one of the best parts. It happens quickly but it's definitely there. Kyle clarifies that she didn't say that Lisa "preys on the weak" to be mean. (Again with the diction.)

Another great moment is when the ladies show that they too are conscious of the recession. They're down to earth, ok? The $25,000 sunglasses bother them too. Adrienne quickly adds that in Beverly Hills most people show off their wealth because their new money. No one lingers on the comment but it definitely seems to strike a chord. Be careful, Adrienne.

By the time we roll around to Taylor I'm just bracing myself. This is going to be sad.

But first Andy asks Taylor about the infamous Dr. Sophy Doctor of Osteopathy (with whom I am a little bit obsessed). What kind of doctor is he? "He went to a D.O. school instead of an M.D. school -- that's the only difference," says Taylor. By M.D. school do you mean medical school? And that's the only difference? Not that he goes to parties with you? Not that you took weird photos with him for the NOH8 campaign? Not that he's a doctor who's willing to have his sessions with clients be taped? I could go on.

When Taylor says she thought the cameras would protect her and that Russell could have potentially been the love of her life all I am thinking is wowzers. And it's even sadder when the moment turns into a tiff between Camille and Taylor. I found it fascinating when Camille briefly talks about what she thinks qualifies as being "private" because aren't we all wondering what that means when you're on a reality show?

Camille wedges herself onto the sad train by saying she relates her marriage to Kelsey Grammar to Taylor's with Russell. Taylor kind of nixes that when she says she used to tell Russell "just hit me to get this over with." Yikesssss.

I love the "storyline" between Bernie's Adrienne's chef and Lisa. Lisa pretending not to know him at SUR's (the wonderfully named Sexy Unique Restaurant) opening is pretty awesome. Could this indifference be Lisa's British background creeping through? (Think Downton Abbey: there's an upstairs and there's a downstairs.) It's somewhat sweet that Adrienne cares for Bernie's feelings. I try to be caring for my staff too.

But Lisa has beef with Bernie because she thinks Bernie may have sold a story to a tabloid -- one of the lowest insults a housewife can level at someone. This is why I love the reunions. We get to see here, more than on the actual show, the puppet strings that manipulate the women. Lisa insists has never sold a story and won't be accused of that. She seems a bit too hurt at the accusation. I love that Lisa thinks she'd only be paid about $100 for a story where Adrienne thinks that what Lisa might be selling (i.e. info on Adrienne) would be worth $25,000.

Brandy, the least classy woman in the world, shows up for a hot second. I like her. Why, I can't say. Maybe because she acts so righteous about saying exactly what she wants all of the time -- like she's some sort of crusader. "Congratulations and condolences are in order," Andy says to her about her Las Vegas wedding. I think that's an amazing metaphor for her life in general. When asked about whether Eddie and she talk about the show she says "I don't really think about him in my thoughts." Well said.

For next time:

  • Kyle's Angry Spice reference.
  • Kim, Kim, Kim. Give me more Kim! Maybe some of Ken too...
  • Brandy speaking her mind. (She does that, ok?)
  • Someone calling Kyle a See You Next Tuesday.
  • Brandy calling Taylor out on having a book already.
  • Two more hours of this nonsense. Two!

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