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Five Ways I Won't Be Celebrating Halloween This Year

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I try to love Halloween as much as the next parent, but I admit to having my limits when it comes to embracing this kid frenzy of overdone costumes and too much candy. Here are five ways I won't be celebrating the holiday this year, no matter how much my kids beg me:

1. No corn mazes
I will not be getting lost in some dumb-ass eleventy-thousand acre corn maze of such complexity that a call to 911 would ever be warranted. Or even considered. If by some crazy turn of events I am convinced by my offspring to wander aimlessly amongst the corn stalks it will be with a GPS. And a flask.
 
2. No toddlers dressed as pumpkins
I will not be attiring my son in a pumpkin outfit so that he blends in with the orange vegetation of the pumpkin patch. I will also not be allowing my daughters to dress like slutty zombie cheerleaders or anything vaguely related to Monster High. I will perhaps let my older daughter be a mildly suggestive witch, as she has so persuasively explained "it's totally the one I want! I have to have it!" 
 
3. No candy
I will not be giving out candy on Halloween. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm all for giving out (fun!) stickers and (festive!) mini play-doh containers. If my husband succeeds in convincing me this is the worst idea ever in the history of the world and will doom us to dire social consequences, including but not limited to a lifetime of our house being TP'd, I might (and I'm only committing to might ) be willing to distribute some chocolate to the young trick-or-treaters. But it will be fair trade chocolate.


4. No ridiculous pumpkin carving
I will not be scooping out a pumpkin, carving a pumpkin or roasting seeds from a pumpkin. You kids may be good Jersey girls and bling out your pumpkins to your heart's content with sharpies, duck tape and even rhinestones and glitter. But do not expect me to go all Country Living with you. I will not be using an apple corer to stick pieces of one colored pumpkin into a pumpkin of another color. I will not be gluing the pumpkin seeds from the inside of the pumpkin to the outside of the pumpkin so it looks like a hamburger. And above all else, I will not be fashioning a pumpkin into a make-shift candy dish. Or a beer cooler. We live in suburban New Jersey not the Little House on the Prairie.
 
5. No competitive home decorating
And last, I will not be decorating our house. Not with blow-up pumpkins. Or giant inflatable cats. Or rats. Or cats sitting on rats, while wearing witch hats. There will be no giant spiders climbing our walls. Our yard will not have those skeletons that look like they are climbing out of the ground, even if I can admit they are actually pretty clever. It's Halloween, people, not Christmas. 
 
So there you have it, five ways I won't be celebrating Halloween. My husband calls me the Grinch that Stole Halloween -- but it's not true. I only want to steal Halloween from 30 days of October, on it's rightful day on October 31 I will be happy to celebrate it to... uh... death.
 
How will you be celebrating -- or should I say not celebrating Halloween?