1. No corn mazes
I will not be getting lost in some dumb-ass eleventy-thousand acre corn maze of such complexity that a call to 911 would ever be warranted. Or even considered. If by some crazy turn of events I am convinced by my offspring to wander aimlessly amongst the corn stalks it will be with a GPS. And a flask.
I will not be attiring my son in a pumpkin outfit so that he blends in with the orange vegetation of the pumpkin patch. I will also not be allowing my daughters to dress like slutty zombie cheerleaders or anything vaguely related to Monster High. I will perhaps let my older daughter be a mildly suggestive witch, as she has so persuasively explained "it's totally the one I want! I have to have it!"
I will not be giving out candy on Halloween. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm all for giving out (fun!) stickers and (festive!) mini play-doh containers. If my husband succeeds in convincing me this is the worst idea ever in the history of the world and will doom us to dire social consequences, including but not limited to a lifetime of our house being TP'd, I might (and I'm only committing to might ) be willing to distribute some chocolate to the young trick-or-treaters. But it will be fair trade chocolate.
4. No ridiculous pumpkin carving
And last, I will not be decorating our house. Not with blow-up pumpkins. Or giant inflatable cats. Or rats. Or cats sitting on rats, while wearing witch hats. There will be no giant spiders climbing our walls. Our yard will not have those skeletons that look like they are climbing out of the ground, even if I can admit they are actually pretty clever. It's Halloween, people, not Christmas.
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