Are you looking to date a Nobel laureate who isn't afraid to engage in a politically motivated, media focus-grouped PDA, and who doesn't let the fact that our earth is rapidly turning into a raging ball of fire ruin his day?
Well, you might just the best candidate to become my first lady -- just a figure of speech.
I'm a recently single southern gentleman, though since I failed to carry my own state of Tennessee in the 2000 election, I really consider myself to be a citizen of the world, who is looking for a special lady to take short carbon neutral hikes followed by globe trotting in my private plane to attend conferences with other longwinded academics. Must have your own reusable water bottle.
Hobbies? You bet! While I enjoy quiet walks on beaches, my passion is stridently lecturing lesser mortals about the deleterious effects they are having on coastal ecosystems. So if you like the sound of my voice, that will be important because there really won't be much time spent in my company when you won't be lulled into a mind-numbing stupor.
Sense of humor? I'm funny, now, damn it. People used to think I had no sense of humor, but I put that stodgy persona in a lock box and that's ancient history now. I was even on 30 Rock -- twice -- and I made 'Kenneth' look like a beat poet.
I'm no slouch in the romance department. I'm not a prude: as you know, I'm not afraid of a lengthy lip lock, but on a scale of one to Bill Clinton I probably hover somewhere above Jimmy Carter and below Barack Obama. OK, truth be told, I knew about the whole Monica situation. Who do you think came up with the "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" defense? Only someone as detached from human emotions as me could have dreamt that one up. Although I did not invent the internet -- OK, someone else did -- I'm glad that someone thought up this on-line dating stuff. Bill says it's terrific.
What you can expect if you're my gal:
Well, first on my agenda is to find someone to who enjoys violent and sexually charged lyrics. I've got tickets this summer to attend AC/DC concerts all over Europe. Tipper was a "whole lotta woman" but she really on her own on that one, and like my pal Ice-T says, "Pimpin' ain't easy, but somebody gotta do it." If you appreciate his employment of colloquial grammar to create a derivative language which stands as a semiotic ghetto cultural touchstone, then you might just be my ho.
My fantasy girl also likes to dress up like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, place my hand on a Bible, and recite certain pledges. So working knowledge of swearing-in ceremony is a must.
Please don't answer this ad if you feel the need to use the following words on a regular basis "wooden, robotic, doom sayer, harbinger of doom or the person single-handedly responsible for putting George Bush in office." These are hurtful words and some people don't realize how wounding they can be.
Nicknames are a plus. But if your name is Katherine please don't answer this ad. If you live in Florida please don't answer the ad. But if you love to hug a tree, an iceberg, polar bear or recently single citizen of the planet who is looking surprisingly like a polar bear these days, please reply.
Looking forward to your getting to know me better.
Follow Annabelle Gurwitch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/annabelgurwitch