THE BLOG
12/30/2013 10:46 am ET | Updated Mar 01, 2014

Nixed Year's Resolutions

Every year millions of Americans make resolutions. These are essentially to-do lists, most of which never stick, which is why each year I make a to-don't list. It's much easiest and more satisfying. By setting expectations low, I never let myself down, just like our government.

1. Don't eat locally grown, organically farmed food.

I tried, I really did, but it only left me confused and very, very hungry. In 2013, I learned that unless you know if your chicken was tickled frequently or read Goodnight Moon every night, it might have been processed in China and sent back with salmonella. After Fukushima, I said sayonara to tuna, and most Ecoli outbreaks in 2013 came from leafy greens. Since pasta, bread, and other carbs are considered contraband in my zip code in Los Angeles and must be smuggled inside hollowed out sweet potatoes and red meat takes up too many resources for the planet, in 2014 I will only be eating Twinkies. Over 440,000 of us campaigned to save the Twinkie and it's our duty to make sure this national treasure (which happens to be manufactured in Canada) never goes away again. There is absolutely nothing good for you in Twinkies so there are no stress inducing surprises and no confusion. Sure, they might make me fat, but there's a new app that makes you look thinner in photos and how I look on Facebook is more important than how I look in person anyway. A new study in 2013 also showed that family dinners aren't as important as once thought, so in 2014 I will be enjoying my Twinkies alone in my car.

2. Don't save more.

I will not be paying down my debt this year. It's un-American not to own a 40" flat screen and several game systems, so it would be wrong to deny myself. Anyway, why try and be responsible, I saw Wolf of Wall Street and Scorsese didn't make a movie based on the life of the FBI agent who brought Eric Balfour down, because that guy didn't get a book deal. Di Caprio looked so much more dashing in his 3k bespoke suit than the gov't. schmuck, it would be worth it to go to jail for a few years to get to look so stylish. That was the message of the movie, right?

3. Don't work out more.

2013 saw renewed debate over whether running really is better than walking, plus it's now common annoy knowledge that you need to vary your exercise.
Again, like item #1, its too stressful, and confusing, and there's that thinning app. It's true that the latest research confirms that exercise should allow you to live longer. But where will we all live? Reportage in 2013 showed that Americans my age are woefully underprepared for retirement. With my savings, I might be headed to an elder hostel in El Salvador, so nixing the exercise.

4. Don't boycott Duck Dynasty.

I will not stop watching Duck Dynasty because of the homophobic and racist comments of patriarch Phil Robertson. Ok, this is really a matter of semantics, I don't have to boycott, because I wasn't watching anyway, but I will also continue to not watch Charlie Sheen, Bill O'Reilly, and Nancy Grace who are still on the air despite years of uttering offensive remarks and just plain nonsensical gobbledy-gook. Publically boycotting often only results in a higher profile for these celebrities. I advocate curbing all mention of them altogether. I am taking a vow of silence and will not speak of Mr. Robertson anymore. If I break my oath, I agree to submit to binge view Pete Rose: Hits and Mrs. which might actually be a violation of the Geneva Convention standards on torture.

5. Don't change your light bulbs to LEDs or compact fluorescents.

Even though in 2014 the US will no longer be importing or producing incandescents and changing my blubs out will save money on my bills, I'm stockpiling light bulbs and won't adapt because as Senator Ron Paul once said,"global warming is a hoax." I plan to keep denying human's contribution to climate change until the last glacier melts and Idaho becomes a coastal state.

6. Don't give to charity.

I will be following the lead of Senator Rand Paul who supports cutting off unemployment benefits after 26 weeks because I trust in his judgment and he claims that this extra time on assistance, "does a disservice to these workers." It is important to do what Paul says even though his column was discontinued after plagiarism allegations surfaced because he's Ron Paul's son and we should always follow the lead of the Pauls see resolution number six.

7. Don't go and see Matthew McConaughey films anymore.

(Admittedly, this is a slight resolution.) In 2013, McConaughey showed us he was not only a great actor with brilliant turns in Dallas Buyers Club and Mud, he proved he can lose just as much weight as another actor famous for skeletal performances, Christine Bale. But Bale is British and in 2013 the CDC estimated that 35.9 percent of us are obese so it's un-American to be so thin. Besides, we're encouraging what has clearly become some kind of eating disorder. What's left for him? A Joey Ramone bio pic? A movie about swamp people... with tape worms? On the other hand, I will be starting a change.org petition to nominate Ulysses the cat from the Coen brother's Llewyn Davis for best supporting feline performance of 2013. That cat had me at meow.

8. Don't stop visiting your friend for life, Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman.

I am making a personal plea to tattoo and piercing aficianado Ambassador Dennis Rodman to keep visiting his BFF. The vicious and specious execution of his uncle and his associates has proven the effectiveness of basketball diplomacy. Can you also schedule in a visit to Syria sometime soon, Dennis? Stopping in to visit Taliban leaders in Afganistan might be an inspired trip for you as well.

9. Don't worry about NSA wiretapping.

We've already posted what we've had for dinner, who we were with, and our location has been captured on one of the millions of surveillance cameras currently recording our every movement. What are we texting and saying on our phones, anyway? I would bet Hilary Clinton's 2016 presidential war chest that 99.9 percent of all communications are: I'm running 10 minutes late, be there soon.

10. Don't sign up for the health care.

The Obama administration estimates that one million people have signed up so far. I believe more people attended Michael Bolton concerts last year and I think it's wise not to sign up. After all, I supported single payer and besides, who amongst us isn't wildly happy with our insurance coverage? Here's a highlight from 2013. My plan, which I consider myself lucky to have, sent me a notice saying they reviewed their records had accidentally overpaid on a claim from over a year ago, I owed them 25 dollars and every week I was late I would incur interest. It's so nice to hear they're reviewing for overpaid claims as I currently have four or five unpaid claims they are disputing for trivial things including my annual gynecological visit. So whatever we do, let's not sign up this year, we'll show... us!

Happy nixed year to one and all.