Jesus did not say, "forgive and forget."
Yet, for twenty-three years, as a spiritual director, clergywoman and mental health director, I have heard women struggle with the advice they receive from family, friends, therapists and pastors to stop complaining, "forgive and forget," and move on. My current research shows that this well-intentioned advice is dangerous at best, and deadly at its worst.
According to the VA, at least 30% of American servicewomen (and many men) have diagnosed cases of MST -- Military Sexual Trauma -- a form of PTSD. The perpetrators are usually servicemen and commanders. In fact, there's actually a term, "Commander Rape"[1].
And, according to a recent DOJ study, at least 20% of women in US colleges/universities will be sexually assaulted while they are students [2].
And remember that, in 2009, 30 male senators refused to vote to allow Jamie Leigh Jones to sue Halliburton/KBR after its employees gang-raped her, locked her in a storage container without food or water for days, and refused to get her medical care in order to be sure she kept her mouth shut [3].
A twenty-six year old enlisted servicewoman I know filed sexual harassment charges with the support of her African-American Civil Rights Officer (male) on her military base. She told me she was shocked to hear over and over from women colleagues that they all knew sexual attacks were going on, and had experienced attacks and harassment themselves, but they would not speak up.
Why didn't they speak up? What I've heard is that many women in their 20s believe they deserve this, that they are responsible for the men's attacks. Some women want to get ahead and are afraid that a complaint will be seen as a failure to be a "team" player. They are well aware of the ways women are ostracized and punished for speaking up. But most believe they should "forgive and forget." They believe it is their burden to do this, regardless of what a perpetrator does, because this is what they have been taught in their churches and told by their families and therapists.
Why have churches and therapists forgotten that Jesus said repentance is a necessary prerequisite for forgiveness? Jesus did not say, "forgive and forget." What Jesus actually said was: "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, "I repent," forgive him" (Luke 17:3-4, NIV).
Speaking up about what happened -- rebuking the perpetrator -- is essential.
And the perpetrator must repent -- this is essential.
Jesus was not alone in requiring repentance. Jewish traditions have long required a relational response that involves both atonement and restitution. Women in other countries attest to the power of a relational approach that requires repentance. According to the women of the Asociación Madres de Plaza de Mayo in Argentina, "when the prerequisites for authentic reconciliation -- truth and justice, acknowledgment of the crimes committed, and punishment -- are not met, forgiveness is impossible" [4]. Likewise, in Rwanda, forgiveness, reparation, and re-integration into the community are only possible after eyewitnesses have been able to "speak out against the committed atrocities" [5] and perpetrators "admit guilt, show remorse, ask for forgiveness, and demonstrate that they regret their actions" [6]. If there is repentance, then forgiveness is possible, and relationships can be restored.
This is the goal: To restore relationships.
However, if a perpetrator refuses to repent, then the perpetrator is refusing to see the victim as a human being who has been hurt by the perpetrator's actions. By refusing to take responsibility for these actions, the perpetrator continues to view the victim as an object. This is an indicator that the perpetrator is not willing to be in a relationship of equals with the person who has been harmed.
This is an important point, because it is only when the other person becomes an object, an "it," that one person is able to harm another. This is why the "enemy" is called "redcoat," "nip," "gook" or, currently, "haji," "raghead," "camel jockey" and "sandnigger." It's also why enemies, or even opposing sports teams, are called "wusses," "pussies" and "women" -- because women are still, on some fundamental level, viewed as objects, as somehow "less than" men.
If a perpetrator refuses to take responsibility and repent, then there cannot be a relationship between equals. A victim who "forgives" at this point is staying in a situation in which s/he will continue to be viewed as an object that can be harmed without impunity by the perpetrator.
If the perpetrator will not repent, a victim's healthier response - both spiritually and psychologically -- is to mourn the relationship because it is, indeed, over. No authentic relationship between equal persons is possible. And the process of mourning is important, because mourning is the process that helps us "let go." Only after a relationship is mourned can it be "let go."
It is time to follow the advice of Jesus and encourage women to speak up about abuse and require repentance. Only then is true forgiveness and restored relationship possible.
Here's another of his spot-on quotes for the faith-based to ponder:
"Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.
He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....
The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
- "The Lowest Animal"
Indeed Mark... questionable taste, to say the least.
Thus, to argue or dissect any particular passage in question... is simply folly.
Many biblical scholars have accepted that bible-jesus is purely allegorical... and NOT a historical god-man who allegedly roamed our planet with a message of ultimate importance, yet writing... not a single word himself.
The sequel to the SEMINARS is the jesus PROJECT, which (finally) examines if there is credible evidence for his existence at all. Of course, this has been done in various "quests" for an historical jesus... and... all seem to have come up just a wee bit short.
Go figure?
Funny how this verse is passed over time and time again. If you read the New Testament carefully you will see that forgiveness is only required when there is true repentance on the part of the offender. The rest is spiritual practice.
Or, is that too simple?
never have anything to do with them again."
Well, that covers the "forget" part nicely, but how does that help the victim?
You can't manufacture forgiveness. In my counseling sessions I have seen where people say the words, mostly because Jesus said we should forgive, but the unresolved emotions and energy are very present. It comes out in all sorts of inappropriate behavior not related to the offense. Also I tell my clients it's not possible to have the same type of relationship with a person who have aggressively offended you so just because you forgive, things will not be the same. Restoration of this as it was before is not possible. Either try to create a new relationship on the more healthy basis or let it go because the pattern of abuse can happen again.
They speak about how they feel lighter, unburdened, clearer, they've gotten clarity. This is the shift. This is how forgiveness happens-a shift. You mourn that old energy, the offense but at the same time learn from the experience.
What happens if you never receive an apology or repentance. Embrace the fact it may never happen such as in the military where abusers are protected. Work with a rational therapist who is pragmatic and reality based. If you run into someone who says you have to forget it and move on, move on to another therapist because this person is not validating you. Working with a therapist may have minimal affect because there is this energy inside you that if turned inwards can be destructive on so many levels so find an outlet. Work with other victims, write all your thoughts and feelings down, work to change the laws, educate others. These actions can work in any situation, not just sexual abuse. There are so many emotionally unhealthy people in the world today, young and old. The causes are many but outreach and education could be a key.
And, do understand that abusers are not protected in the military. Women I know have found justice in the military. And it is important to recognize that the first step towards justice involves hearing the story of the person who is speaking up. We need to create environments, such as those provided by the Civil Rights officers in our military, where it is safe for people to speak up about abuse.
Action speaks louder than words. Forgiveness is the one thing people in the spiritual community get hung up on because someone wrote in a book or had a lecture that said you can't evolve spiritually unless you forgive. I remember years ago speakers coming to my area doing workshops on the art of forgiveness. I sat in one lecture for about an 35 minutes, left and canceled my check. It was the most psychologically unhealthy dribble I'd ever heard. Up to that point in time anyway.
From a mental health perspective you can't manifest forgiveness out of thin air. There is no ON/OFF switch. From an energetic perspective the energetic dynamics or frequencies are way out of kilter. Based on this the abuse/offense will continue until a balance is reestablished. The offender has work to do in my opinion to mitigate the relationship if that's what both parties want. What does the offender need to do-that's as individual as a fingerprint. How will both parties know forgiveness occurred or is happening? There's a shift in the energy between the two. We've all experienced energy shift involving people. Ex. someone who has been mourning a loved one, can't function, depressed, loses weight, poor hygiene etc. This goes on for months and than one day you visit and they're wearing bright clothing, the house is awake with light, the person is smiling, going out and talking about moving ahead-the next stage in their life.
Forgive, sure, I do it all the time. But God also gave me intelligence in order that I know when to keep away or stop something from happening to others. That means we don't forget.
If the *repentance* comes with the perpetrator divesting himself of every penny and material good, donating them all to the person whom he damaged, without taking up legal counsel -- then sure, I'll believe him. If it comes with withdrawal from the position he held, and taking up a shovel on a farm 40 miles out of town -- then yeah, I'll believe him. But NO form of repentance that involves mitigation of his own consequences is going to convince me in any way that any true change in character has come about.
Repentance is just another word for lining up the next victim.
People who do wrong must not be given a free pass by asking the victim to 'forgive and forget.' That is irresponsible, and promotes victimization and oppression of the weak.
In some cases forgetting is dangerous, because the unrepenant offender might attack you again. After all, they did nothing wrong, in their minds.