Big Love: Living With Two Wives

Big Love is the titillating title of a new HBO show about a polygamist family, which is apparently every man's fantasy. I guess my brother-in-law is now cock-of-the-block since I moved in. Okay, enough of the lowbrow innuendo, monogamy is practiced here, but this two women of the house situation is really working out well for everyone. Seems it's everyone's fantasy. Recently on the Huffington Post Living Now section there was an article about the working woman's greatest desire which was to have a wife. Turns out it's also a great desire of the stay at home mom. My sister, Pearl, loves to have another woman in the house to do the dishes or get up with the baby every now and then, and allow a few more date nights with her husband. I, too, am grateful that I no longer have to do everything anymore. The greatest way I, the second "wife", benefit this family is by supporting the real wife and providing some relief of daily duties. In return, my family's greatest benefit is that we share in the loving stability of the family we augment. As much as this may sound like a '50s TV show, it is also a bit like today's titillating drama. We do fight and we do suffer. The reason our situation works is fundamentally this: there is a code of expected behavior and each member is unwaveringly dedicated to honoring it.

Each person is accountable even when it's inconvenient or seemingly unfair. Earlier, before we moved here, my brother in law, Uncle Foxy, outlined our primary roles: he is a soldier, Pearl is a housewife, the school age children and I are students and Binkles is a baby. He is expected to soldier, Pearl is expected to manage the house, the kids and I are expected to get the best grades we can and Binkles is expected to be cute. In addition to these roles, we are all assigned many tasks and chores around the home. I know it sounds rigid and demanding, but the touchy feely stuff of life is metaphoric padding on the sofa, it can be nice and soft, but it is not the backbone of the piece. Do not misunderstand. That rigid framework is not cold-hearted; it is love's backstop. The rules are the framework; thoughtfulness, caring and self-sacrifice are the firm comfortable cushions. My sister and brother in law did not call me after my husband died to invite us to come live with them because they thought it would be fun. They did it because it was the right thing to do (and they thought it could work).

Undoubtedly, this sounds lofty and ivory tower. The practical application of the expected code can be very challenging- physically as well as emotionally. It is exhausting to succeed in the demands of ordinary life. When you have eight people sharing 2,300 square feet, chores cannot be left undone. Scheduling is a task for air traffic control. Each family member has a right to an enrichment activity that meets two or three times a week -- including Binkles, so coordination is critical. Emotionally, it is not easy for my niece to have to share her room. Even more so it isn't easy for her to have to share her father. Her cousins have moved in and, because of their loss, they have a pressing need for a father figure's hugs, tickles and time. It's one thing to share space; it's another to share love. The code is sometimes difficult to uphold, but when honored, it can withstand even two raging wives.

The first and only really big conflict occurred this summer when my daughter, Ms. MySpace, was invited to visit one of her favorite friends from LA who was vacationing in the east with her family. After days of her begging and my constant checking for flights I could possibly afford, I agreed. I would use some miles to defray costs. The transition to our new life in VA had been hard for her and it was important to tangibly connect with the world she was ripped from in LA. During planning it was discovered that the trip would overlap my nephew's birthday. After a brief discussion with my sister, we agreed that it would be worthy of shortening the trip by a day for the celebration. A few weeks later, an unexpected opportunity opened for Pearl to attend the memorial service of a dear friend's mother on the west coast. She let us know at family meeting that we would be moving the birthday celebration by one week so she could go. My nephew's jaw dropped in exaggerated expression. He was upset, but not crushed. No firm or special plans had yet been made for his birthday and there was also the possibility that he might accompany Pearl to see the son of her friend. The two boys were very close friends too. Because it was too near the departure date and the tickets were cut rate, there was no way I could practically afford to switch the tickets to recapture the day of vacation for Ms. MySpace. I was deeply affected by the lack of thoughtfulness in acknowledging what I understood to have been an important sacrifice for both children, but especially mine. It felt to me that feelings were not important, not my child's nor hers. My intense emotional reaction totally broadsided Pearl who felt unnecessarily attacked when she thought she had made the right decision- which I agree, she did. She should have gone. What Pearl could not understand was where my vehemence was coming from. It was unreasonable to hold her accountable for knowing how important the one day was to Ms. MySpace since I did not articulate it when we agreed to shorten the trip. Clearly, I had thought the sacrifice was self-evidently greater than she had intuited. I was angry that I had made my daughter give more than what others were honoring and more than the routine birthday apparently warranted.

As is the case with most passionate arguments, communication went awry and it was very unsettling to have the two women of the house at fierce odds. The children had not expected this and though they were not in the room, of course they were aware. Uncle Foxy stood back. Voices rose, nostrils flared and eyes flashed, as we struggled to honor the code over our own passions. Tears of anger and frustration began to well, though none flowed. Despite the passion, both Pearl and I stuck to the framework rule of no hysteria or irresponsible accusatory statements. I did get up from the sofa ending the conversation without leaving the room and she did have to get literally away and left the house for a run. That night, both of us separately prayed to God for insight, tenderness and understanding. The foundation held.

This fight fundamentally boils down to a puncture in the cushioning, not a fracture in the framework of our couch. If we had not built the framework, the couch would have deflated like a cheap beanbag chair. I know Pearl would not purposefully hurt my child. I also know she does not spare feelings in the interest of doing the right thing, so feelings are not always first to her mind as they are in mine. This was a mistake she is operationally vulnerable to making, it was not malicious. Pearl and I are already aware that I spend most of my efforts working on the cushioning, engaging in long talks and going extra steps to accommodate, whereas she shores up the framework by ensuring good routines and being fair. Cushion maintenance is terrific for interpersonal relationships, but not so good at setting firm boundaries for children. Framework maintenance provides a firm foundation, but can be a little austere. We are all benefiting by loving and honoring each other when it's easy and when it's hard. That's the titillating drama of big love.

Comments

[JuanMoTie]

Get out the duct tape, Girl. My family's emotional sofa has been patched so much it looks like a coat of many colors. But guess what! It's the most comfortable one around.
I just feel sorry for Uncle Foxy.....T­here may be too much estrogen for one man to handle.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Beautiful.

[Snowdogslife]

Big Love is a night time soap opera with a new theme. There are a number of people who are adults, not connected to cults, who are living the polyamorous lifestyle.
It's at best sensationalism of a small group of misguided practitioners of abusive lifestyles.

As for multiple adults in a household it's inevitable that as baby boomers age they will have to toss their lot together. I forsee group homes financed by pooled social security checks. We only need hope that things can be negotiated so that all are satisfied.

[AgeofReason]

Good for you! I'm sorry for your loss, but I applaud the way you and your family have arranged to cope. I hope you all live happily ever after!

[gulopartisan]

A culture in which both genders can freely choose their family extensions would be great. Let's not confuse it with the patriarchal tyranny of American polygamous cults, where 13-year-old girls are sold to the highest bidder.

[danalan]

Whenever I see large McMansions being built, I think how useful they will be to house all the extended families the coming economic meltdown will engender.

Having multiple adults (more than the usual 2) in a household will be advantageous for economic reasons. I hope that the social implications are codified well, or else the experience could be very negative.

[Purple Girl]

Both nuclear and extended families present their own challenges. I've lived with a sister and her 2 daughters- great but sometime dicey. Two strong women under one roof is difficult, 2 men under the same roof just means twice the mess.
But an extended family that is close no matter the physical distance- priceless !!