Why Forgive?

What purpose does forgiving serve? And how do you forgive? The "how" was what I asked myself some 16 years ago, as I went into my divorce feeling emotionally distraught.

We are well-educated in acquisition: Gaining knowledge and qualifications, getting a good job, finding a lifetime partner for marriage, buying a home, cars and extraordinary technological inventions to make our lives more comfortable and enjoyable. Our place in the world often revolves around what we are seen to have. Our beliefs support this reality. We look good and therefore we are good. Celebrities are envied for the lifestyle they have acquired.

But what about letting go? As creatures of habit, we get attached to life's goodies. Our sense of worth and well-being may be closely linked to the material world, and the convictions we have about who we are in it.

Letting go of attachments, and self-forgiving when necessary, do not come easily. Loss can be painful. We more naturally want to strike out and blame someone, almost anyone, rather than accept the pain, be responsible and able to respond to life's changes and challenges. It is as though our life, our survival, depends upon our being "right" about how we think things should be.

Following a radio interview in 1995 on the theme "forgiveness" -- when it is really difficult --the interviewer and I declared March 15 to be International Forgiving Day, to be celebrated annually and globally.

Here is an excerpt from the article, "Choosing to Forgive":

The main purpose of Forgiving Day was to open the conversation on forgiving; to touch into the experience of what forgiving could mean; to accept that sometimes, it is just not possible to forgive; to recognize the value of forgiving.

Over the 10 years that I celebrated the vision with friends, I came to understand much more about how forgiving works and the benefits of forgiving, especially self-forgiving. Since then, the conversation on forgiving has become more widespread. Now, the benefits of forgiving related to health and well-being, better sleep, increasing awareness and intuition, enjoying the present moment and happy relationships have been well documented.

I was keen that the vision not become another "should" that a person had to live up to. This article about a vicar, who cannot forgive tube bombers, quitting the pulpit tells the story of one person who simply could not forgive. The pain of losing her daughter was too great.

If your trajectory through life -- your goals, dreams, plans and aspirations -- has been disrupted by the economic downturn, you might be trying to make new sense of your life purpose. Being willing to let go of all you have worked for may feel counter-intuitive, unless letting go makes space for something better.

Doctors Ron and Mary Hulnick, authors of "Loyalty To Your Soul: The Heart of Spiritual Psychology," write about Compassionate Self-Forgiveness. This process takes forgiveness out of the hands of the ego and into the heart of greater awareness, understanding, love and deep healing. We can become one who is forgiving, starting with ourselves.

In response to my article, "
Can We Be Emotionally Free?" my wise friend Trixie, 93 years young, declared emphatically, "No!" If not free, could we be emotionally flexible? That is to say, could we have the space within us to accept our emotions and ride with them? To forgive ourselves when we react with harshness and criticism, especially towards those we love the most?

One day this week, the winds were high and the sea turbulent. Strong winds speak to me of the "winds of change," where water represents the emotions. On these stormy seas, I watched wind surfers and kite surfers skimming across the rough water surface at high speed, letting the wind carry them along and sometimes high into the air.

The image remains with me as I contemplate how I might soar with the winds of change and not allow myself to be overwhelmed by powerful emotions of resistance, how I might choose the lightness of flow over the reluctance to adapt.

The absence of forgiveness us drags us down. Forgiving liberates us.

In this touching short film by Nic Askew, from "Soul Biographies Collection," Carlos Enrique speaks of his forgiving through the sad loss of his son.

PORTRAIT OF A HUMAN BEING from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

So, why forgive? Could it be, as Doctors Ron and Mary Hulnick offer in their book, that we are not human beings with souls, but we are spiritual beings having a human experience? What if through forgiving, compassion and love we are able to realize more fully who we truly are, beyond the mental and emotional mask of our egos? Could we become more at peace with ourselves and those closest to us? Perhaps our adversaries truly serve as our teachers and guides to bring us back home to our hearts and our deepest connection with others.

Then, a true statement of forgiveness might be, "I forgive myself for forgetting that I am Divine," any time we lose sight of our greater reality.

John-Roger wrote:

Self-forgiveness is not an act of contrition or penance. It is a profound and radical approach to letting go of tensions and problems and preoccupations. When you hold a judgment against someone else, you are holding it inside your own body ... It's much easier to let go and forgive yourself.

How has forgiving benefitted you? Have you ever found forgiveness to be a blessing in your life? What have you learned from forgiving yourself? I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment below, or contact me at [e-mail]
.

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Comments

[Malcolm Levene]

01:13 PM on 03/21/2011

Anne important post, Anne.

For me, forgiveness means feeling less burdened by past hurts. That doesn't always mean I can fully let go of the pain, it does mean that it has less of a hold on me.

Thank you for writing such a meaningful blog.

Warm regards,

Malcolm

[ladiesbane]

04:02 PM on 03/15/2011

Forgiveness is a bad idea, particularly if the person who has transgressed against you has not apologized, shown remorse, or asked for forgiveness. ("Letting go" is a completely different process, with a completely different goal, and letting go can be extremely healthy and helpful. I am not talking about letting go.) Even so, some behavior, in my opinion, is unforgivable, regardless of the remorse of the perpetrator, and it would be unhealthy, even dangerous, to agree and proclaim that the transgression is negated, undone, and as if it never happened -- which is the exact definition of forgiveness.

Likewise, forgiving oneself: be responsible for what you've done. The burden of past failure, knowing that you damaged or hurt someone, should teach you more prudent behavior in the future. Self-respect must be earned, not rewarded for no reason, or it's meaningless. Forgiving yourself only because you'll only feel better if you pretend you never did what you did -- that's too selfish for words.

Generous treatment of others is important, as is ignoring small pains and bad manners. But for real crimes, that cause real damage, forgiveness should be reserved.

[NightFlower]

11:59 PM on 03/15/2011

Well said!

[Anne Naylor]

01:32 AM on 03/16/2011

ladiesbane

I appreciate your point of view. My forgiveness of another person does not mean I have any control over their past or future actions. They are not punished by my lack of forgiveness.

For my own part, I can fall short of my ideals and best intentions. At those times, through forgiving myself, I set myself free to learn from my mistakes and do better in future. It may depend upon exactly how forgiveness is defined.

If we are still learning about how to be more accountable and responsible, then forgiving could play a very useful role. For me, it still does.

Thank you for taking the time to contribute to the discussion.

With joy and peace to you,
Anne

[ladiesbane]

07:35 PM on 03/16/2011

Thank you, Anne, for your gracious reply, despite our differing points of view. We may be closer in perception than it seems, because to me, falling short of your ideals (to use your example) is irrelevant to forgiveness; it's only moving forward without letting your self-disappointment bog you down. As I said, I am all for letting go.

Forgiveness of real abuse, however, can keep battered women married to violent husbands, keep victims from accusing their attackers, and can be a way to avoid the unpleasant confrontations that might prevent others from suffering. It is a way to sweep away painful messes and "put it behind us" without doing the hard, uncomfortable job of holding people accountable for their actions. What justification is there to do the easy thing instead of the right thing? -- Not that I take this to be your specific position, only that it's an explanation of my own. I hope it's not something you ever have to experience, and I do wish you the best.

[brettrobbins]

02:38 AM on 03/15/2011

Avoiding toxic people, with or without forgiveness, if embraced rather than guilt-inducing, is the right of every person helped by it.

[Anne Naylor]

01:24 AM on 03/16/2011

Thank you, brettrobbins,

I agree. However, I have also found that when I am in a forgiving frame of mind, people around me are much less "toxic".

Happiness to you,
Anne

[yinkadlb8]

11:18 AM on 03/14/2011

The art of forgiveness is divine and is preached by all major world religion. We cannot forget the humaneness in forgiving ourselves or others for wrongs done to us consciously or unconsciously, but must not also forget that forgiving carries a heavy spiritual significance to humanity. It's only those who have lost spiritual consciousness that forgiveness becomes a burden to them. In other words, they prefer living with unforgiveness as they see no good to such gesture. My observation is that forgiveness frees our spirit and makes us lighter in the soul and even releases tensions in the body thereby breaking down illnesses or diseases that were brought on by a stressed mind of unforgiveness.

[Anne Naylor]

01:56 AM on 03/15/2011

Dear yinkadlb8

What a wonderful observation: The art of forgivenes­s is divine

As any art, the practice of forgiveness develops over time. My experience is that forgiving is freeing and healing, when it comes to alleviating the stresses of my mis-perceptions.

Blessings of joy to you,
Anne

[Arithrianos]

10:17 AM on 03/14/2011

forgiveness is always needed in order to see reality as it is, for reality to me has three basic "aspects" or "faces" or "moods" whatever, i still haven't got the right words for that, but the three are all-victoriousness, unimpededness and unlimited and unbiased compassion/love. so to not forgive you lose contect with all three, all-victoriousness becuase you are allowing another to denine your world, unimpededness because you are allowing another to "block" the blessed path and forces you to take the painful path, and unicased compassion because you see "fault" as that person, not as a temporary mistake, but as a lasting "thing" that cannot be released. to give away you power is to take on suffering, there is no way beyond suffering that dosn't include forgiveness, yes most importantly self forgiveness, for to be free one must accept the limitations that still manifest, they are indeed guides and signs that are pointing beyond to the field beyond wrong and right, the blessed field of equinimity and power. but then again forgiveness is not at all about letting the deed be forgotten, that would violate self- compassion, know what you are dealing with and if dangerous act appropriatly, just with compassion instead of hate, as a master said about dealing with a thief, with all the love in your heart hit him over the head with your unbrella.

[Anne Naylor]

01:52 AM on 03/15/2011

Your comments, Arithrianos, have such a beautiful flow to them. And not a little humour.

Thank you for the Grace of your presence.

With love,
Anne

[TheLibraryOfCodex]

01:52 AM on 03/14/2011

I prefer to hold people accountable.

Forgiveness lets them off the hook.

[Anne Naylor]

01:21 AM on 03/16/2011

Thank you, TheLibraryOfCodex.

I have found that nothing I do lets anyone else off the hook. We make our own "hooks". I can forgive myself for mine when I am willing to let go of the pain they are causing me.

Ultimately, my experience has been that I am, or we are, the causes of the effects we suffer when it comes to being accountable. And that is a good thing.

Blessings to you,
Anne

[TheLibraryOfCodex]

02:14 AM on 03/16/2011

***Ultimately, my experience has been that I am, or we are, the causes of the effects we suffer when it comes to being accountable. And that is a good thing.***

We are the cause of the effects we suffer when we are held accountable for our own actions, indeed.

But not for the actions of others. If one forgives people for everything, then there are no consequences and people can do anything.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

12:47 AM on 03/14/2011

How has forgiving benefited you? Makes my heart tender

Have you ever found forgiveness to be a blessing in your life?

Always

What have you learned from forgiving yourself?

If you can't forgive you can't dance!

[Anne Naylor]

08:51 AM on 03/14/2011

Tender, very blessed and still dancing!

You say it all.

Outrageous joy, fun and laughter to you,
Anne

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

12:36 PM on 03/14/2011

Anne - you are one of the precious jewels on * living *

I am happy you are you!

May you be happy & spread the bounty!

Ed

[littlebrowngirl]

10:25 PM on 03/13/2011

Forgiveness is very freeing and is something you do for yourself not the other person.

[Sunflo]

04:46 AM on 03/14/2011

Agree 100%. It has freed me from quite unhealthy emotional connections with several people.

[Anne Naylor]

08:50 AM on 03/14/2011

Thank you, littlebrowngirl. What you say is certainly true in my experience.

Blessings of Peace to you,
Anne

[Majestry]

08:20 PM on 03/13/2011

I'll hold grudges forever. There exist many things in life that are truly unforgivable.

[Anne Naylor]

08:49 AM on 03/14/2011

Hi Majestry,

I can see that there are many events and actions that show up as "unforgivable".

I am less concerned about those things outside of me that I can do nothing about. Where I do have a choice is whether or not I can forgive myself for my shortcomings and weaknesses.

Whatever is going on in the world, I still have to live with myself.

With many blessings to you,
Anne

[Alicia Westberry]

07:43 PM on 03/13/2011

I used to be very good at holding grudges. Forgiveness is something I would never even consider. There came a time when I had to forgive a family member. After yrs. of seeing them every holiday, NOT forgiving was the harder of the 2 options. Forgetting is something I could never do; though. Forgetting just makes it more likely, if not inevitable, that I'll get hurt again. Cutting toxic people out of my life is very freeing.

[Anne Naylor]

08:44 AM on 03/14/2011

Dear Alicia,

Thank you for your input here!

I am with you when it comes to freeing myself of the "toxic" people in my life. I have found that when I can release them with love, they do not come to bother me again.

Holding grudges definitely does not make for peace of mind and well-being.

Blessings to you,
Anne

[Choco5]

01:19 PM on 03/13/2011

It has been my experience that forgiving too quickly and too easily sometimes sends a message to the offender that it is okay to repeat the offense.

[Anne Naylor]

08:42 AM on 03/14/2011

Interesting point, Choco5.

Sometimes forgiving needs to be accompanied by an honest statement to the offender about the offense they have expressed. This was profoundly demonstration in South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation process. The offender asked for forgiveness from the offended. This often proved to be very healing for both parties.

Warmest good wishes to you,
Anne

[Choco5]

08:50 AM on 03/14/2011

So true, and though it comes at a price to the twice (or more) offended, a sincere expression of regret goes a long way.

[LdyJane]

12:30 PM on 03/13/2011

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about ‘forgiving and forgetting’ and how it is a benefit for me. I understand it is a way to release the negative mindset and move on with my life. What I have found, though, is that I can forgive, sometimes forget, but I am often left with the revelation that I no longer like the person whom I forgave. Call it a light bulb moment. I stand back and really look at the person who hurt me and realize that I don’t like them, like their character. It can be tough, especially when it is family. How does one come to terms with that? Perhaps it is not true forgiveness when I forgive, forget, but walk away not wanting much to do with the person who hurt me. I love them but do not like them. That itself is negative. Perhaps I need to work on forgiving myself for not being able to accept certain behaviors in others.

[Marcus01]

01:42 PM on 03/13/2011

LdyJane, forgiveness does not mean giving carte blanche approval to the forgiven. It doesn't mean they still deserve a place in your life. It also doesn't mean that you're any less of a person for recognizing it if they don't, or not liking them. Seeing that indicates you've become more discerning, yea!

Forgiveness means healing yourself through releasing the negative emotional energy trapped by your experience with an other-self. You can't be responsible for other people's behavior, but you can be responsible for who you're friends with, and choose accordingly.

Hope this helps.

[saranaghati]

12:59 AM on 03/14/2011

Yes. My Grandmother told me the only person you can not forgive is the one you are afraid of. For me that fear-that they will hurt me again is the hard part. Everything I can do to be sure they can not helps me heal and let go. When some one apologizes in a way that makes it clear they have awareness and change, I can be comfortable with them still in my life.Although the relationship is different, and time and proof of their change has to be part of the new relationship. Otherwise, never reconnect. It is not necessary for healing and letting go. I have hurt others, most of us have. It is a terrible feeling when you care about the person you hurt. Being the person who can make amends makes us all better friends, and more aware of how much we like the other person. But when I have hurt someone and don't care, it is time to leave. We have all been on both sides of the event. For me the big important step is letting go of the fear, no matter which side I am on.

[NightFlower]

06:03 PM on 03/13/2011

Such an astute point. I feel the same. Yes, I can forgive someone but many times the action I am forgiving has opened up a window into their personality. A trait that I do not choose to have in my life. I think making wise decisions regarding who we open our hearts to is healthy. But like you, that doesn't make it easy or without pain. Especially if it is a family member. My husband said to me recently that at times I refuse to accept the reality of who people truly are. Especially when it severely alters who I thought they were. I'm working on accepting reality and releasing the pain of the truth.

[GothamKnight33]

11:22 AM on 03/13/2011

I'm having a big problem with forgiveness right now. I feel like I ruined things with someone special so I have to forgive myself for that. And also that woman says she loves me and thinks I'm great, but isn't willing to give me a second chance even though we are aware of our own issues and love each other. I just can't make sense of it. And I resent her a lot. It's really disappointing. She claims she has to be alone to deal with her own stuff, but it just seems like an excuse. It feels like she's running and is just afraid.

I guess it's going to take time.

[Bianca Befana]

12:16 PM on 03/13/2011

Life is too short to not forgive. Your language blatantly suggests "YOU ruined things." Right there, what does that tell you? Why punish this ex for the freedom of her choice to not be involved w/you? If you were the cause, then what do you expect the "effect" to be? Her acceptance? Get over it, move on with your life, and make a promise to yourself that you will treat the next person you become involved with by being kind & respectful. Good luck...Blessed Be!

[GothamKnight33]

02:56 AM on 03/14/2011

Actually I didn't say I treated her badly or anything. There are many ways to "ruin things." Thanks for jumping to conclusions though.

[Marcus01]

01:09 PM on 03/13/2011

GothamKnight33, there's a very fast, simple, and powerful do-it-yourself healing technique called EFT that may be of benefit to you. The manual and thousands of case histories (for reference) are free of charge:

http://www.eftuniverse.com/

If you do decide to use it to heal yourself, I recommend you be alert to any insights pertaining to causes of your predicament that come to you in the process, then work on healing those, too. The "stuff" that comes up during an EFT session can be very enlightening.

Best to you.

[Kittenesque]

05:40 AM on 03/13/2011

Nice post. At first, because of the picture, I thought it was a defense for the cheaters. As in forgive the cheater husband. I was like, sorry, no. If he cheats on me, I am chopping his head off!

[Anne Naylor]

02:00 AM on 03/14/2011

Kittenesque - Understandable! I hope he remains faithful. Joy to you, Anne

[Alison Patton]

03:23 AM on 03/13/2011

Thank you for this nice post. I like your discussion of the different questions and feelings related to forgiveness.

Personally I've found forgiveness to be a powerful life experience, but at the same time I think it's a process that requires continual re-commitment. Of all ironies, I wrote a post about forgiveness last month and mentioned how I had forgiven a person in my life who had hurt me...and then just weeks after the post, this same person showed up and did another emotional dump. For a short time, I was caught up in fresh waves of pain and anger. Fortunately I have gained a little wisdom in mid-life and so after calling a best friend to vent and cry a bit, I re-committed to forgiving this person. No way I wanted to go back to holding resentment--too toxic.

I think forgiveness is like grief----each time it cycles, it gets a little easier and it passes more quickly. This time it passed more quickly than I expected. Already I can laugh about this as one of life's absurdities. One thing I did that helped was to reflect on this person's life struggles. If I can get to a place of compassion and understanding, it's easier for me to get back to that place of forgiveness.

If you're interested, the link to my post (with similar themes) is: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/an-expert-weighs-in-forgi_b_823617.html

[Anne Naylor]

01:59 AM on 03/14/2011

Dear Alison,

Thank you for contributing here and also for your link, which I enjoyed reading.

I have also experienced how compassion, understanding and forgiveness have a way of going together. A prize in all of this I find is giving up the sense of being a victim of life's circumstances and choosing the freedom to experience the fullness of life. It is not always the way we learn to do things.

I appreciate your perspective.

Blessings to you,
Anne