How Forgiveness In Marriage Builds Intimacy

Last week, my 91 year (and ten months) old neighbour, Trixie, asked if I would stand in for her to assist at the Marriage Course given at our local church. Her day was already fully committed and she just could not manage another thing. Trixie, a figure so slight a strong wind might blow her away, was widowed 2 years ago after a 70 year marriage. She implied that she had learnt something from the previous 3 sessions of the course.

Assisting involved helping to set up the room, hand out teas and coffees and clear up afterwards. Nothing to it. Have you ever found that you have been called to do something simple to help out, and been more than rewarded as a result?

Session 4 turned out to be on The Power of Forgiveness, a topic that fascinates me. How often do couples bury a hurt and let it rot the relationship over time? It can take courage to openly let your partner know when they have hurt you, so that you place yourself in the position to forgive them; for them to express their love and regret for the misunderstanding or incident. It should be easy with the one you love the most to be that caring and honest. But often, as was in my own case, it is not.

Very common is to hold on to the hurt, making them wrong for inflicting pain on you; to withdraw or withhold your love, or hold on to resentment that grows into bitterness, even hatred over time. What is it that makes forgiving so difficult? What makes forgiving possible?

A story was told of a couple who had been married for 30 years. On their wedding day, when the husband had turned to see his bride entering the church, he saw her scowling. He thought she was scowling at him, not feeling the joy of their wedding. He held on to that hurt for 30 years. When he finally came to tell her about it, she clarified that she had had a problem outside of the church door. Her apparent lack of pleasure at that moment had nothing to do with him.

To be tender, and vulnerable, with the one you love the most is to risk. What if by speaking up, you lose the approval of your loved one? What if by being true to yourself, you rock what is an otherwise comfortable boat? Is that "comfort", or is it really a comfort zone that is limiting your courage, individually and as a couple, for producing greater joy, loving and fulfilment?

"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function
regardless of the temperature of the heart."
Corrie Ten Boom

Look at it another way. How can anyone behave differently towards you if you keep your hurts in the dark and do not give your loved one the opportunity to know what is true for you? How can you fully love someone else when you are holding on to the toxins of bitterness, sadness or regret? To be vulnerable has the meaning both to be wounded, but also importantly to be blessed.

This process that follows offers freedom and support for greater experiences of love in your close partnership, not to mention a better sex life.

1. Create and set aside Marriage Time

The purpose of this time is to clean and clear the air so that the loving between you flows more easily and generously; to honour the love that you share, and grow your respect for each other. Make sure you will not be interrupted, and set aside enough time to complete the process.

This time is for caring and healing the hurts, not to apportion blame and shame, nor make your loved one wrong.

2. Connect with your love

Bring to mind the depth of love you have for each other. You might recall your wedding vows; have photos from your wedding or other heartfelt and memorable occasions; what it is you most love about your partner, that brought you together in the first place or that you have noticed in the years you have been together.

3. Express the hurt

In this loving context, bring to mind any hurts that you are aware of causing your partner, or that they have caused you to feel. Know that we are each of us doing the best we can with what we know. That when we know better, we do better.

Give yourselves each time to express your awareness of the hurts that have happened between you. Choose maybe one or two for each Marriage Time you set up.

4. Be forgiving

Complete the following statements as appropriate:

Please forgive me for when I....

I forgive you for.....

I forgive myself for....

For example, the exercise could look like this, but not necessarily in this order:

Please forgive me for when I criticized you for not being on time.
I forgive you for shouting at me when I got back from work last night.
I forgive myself for wanting to be right and not listening to your point of view.

5. Express appreciation and acknowledgment

Speaking directly to your loved one, acknowledge them for the ways they give to you, and to the partnership. Let them know the qualities, strengths and attributes you most appreciate and love in them.

Forgiving from the heart offers the forgiver deep peace within, a peace beyond anything words can ever describe. It serves to strengthen the connection you share. Deep peace is the fertile ground for growing greater love, intimacy, trust and confidence - all qualities that can help to sustain us through challenging times. Set aside the shadows and let your love see the new light of day. You will be glad that you did.

Have you experienced how forgiving has given you new strength and vitality? Are there things that you can forgive now, that you were not able to forgive in the past? How do you think forgiveness could make a difference to your health and well-being?

I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to leave a comment below, or contact me at [e-mail]

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Comments

[bf2renegade]

Anne,

Thank you for posting this article. Much recently, my fiance of 9 months and I have been arguing about anything and everything. The past few weeks have been stressful to us because of all the argument and just the process of getting a home. I think the arguments stem from hurt that's been bottled up over the past 5 years we've been together. And the thought of getting and starting a home together only itches the hurt even more.

Thank you for reminding me again the importance of forgiveness.

MJ

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear MJ,

I appreciate your comment - thank you.

I hope that you find that the healing and releasing of old hurts will make the way for much greater experiences of loving, now and in the future, for you and your fiance.

Forgiving can be such a powerful awakener to greater loving.

With warmest good wishes,
Anne

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

HuffPost's Pick

Hi Anne,

Time has taught me that even years after you've forgiven someone, a memory can be triggered that causes pain and can lead to re-newed anger. Fortunately, once you've put forth the effort to forgive in the first place, when the hurt rears it's ugly head again, the pain and anger are diminished. It gets to the point that it becomes a memory of pain which is so much better then re-visiting the cycle with the same intensity time after time. I believe in forgiveness and I thank you for writing such an illustrative post describing practices that help to make forgiveness possible.

best wishes.
little brother

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear little brother

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and contribution to the discussion. You describe beautifully how forgiveness is a process and such a worthwhile one.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[tapeatsbill]

HuffPost's Pick

Anne,

I guess I will forgive you for not writing this 25 years ago. Possibly would have saved me the heart break of when our marriage of 20 yrs ended upbruptly. Many of those little unresolved hurts have cummulative affects. Just like you said. Your writing is wonderful. Its like you had read the history of our marriage.

Forgiveness is a real miracle that we are able to perform. The act of forgiveness is a divine thing and sets one free to "give as before."

Peace on ya,

Bill

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Bill,

Thank you so much for stopping by here. I could not have written about forgiveness 25 years ago, or I might have done so. I had to learn the lessons for myself first.

However, I wish that people embarking on marriage might know about the value and power of forgiving, and recognizing "those little unresolved hurts" before they grow into "cumulative effects".

I so agree with you that forgiveness is a real miracle that we are able to perform.

Blessings of peace to you,
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

HuffPost's Pick

Dear Anne,

First, let me just say that Trixie must be really something. What a trooper! Give her my best from across the ocean.

Your topic is a crucial one, not only at this time on the planet, but, let me add, for many of us in our own backyard. Recently, I was confronted within myself for the need to forgive an act that seemed just too bad to forgive. I struggled, I meditated, and I struggled some more. I've never been particularly good at 'saying nothing' about the proverbial 'elephant in the living room.' While I knew the other party would be more than happy to have me say nothing, while tempting, I simply needed to 'hang in there' until the atmosphere was right. What atmosphere? The one that is inside. It turned out that I needed to forgive myself first, for overlooking some red flags which only grew in size. What helped a great deal was realizing that what my 'forgiveness pal' and I had in common was anxiety about the situation. Once I could get to this place, the path was set. I'm happy to report that the process is coming along, and, it is indeed, a process.

Love and gratitude to you, Anne,
Cara

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dearest Cara,

Yes, Trixie is quite amazing! I see her this evening when we go to help out at the next session of the Marriage Course. About sex tonight I think. Though I do not promise to write about it this week.

Thank you so much for writing about your forgiveness process. Yes, it is a process I agree with you. And so true what you say about the warning red flags. Awareness is such a blessing and a gift. Blessings to you for a happy completion of the process!

I appreciate your courage and the way you demonstrate it.

Huge love and warm hugs to you from this side of the Ocean,
Anne

[DennyCrane]

While I'm a big believer in forgiveness, I think there's such a thing as being too forgiving. Some people would rather forgive than stand up for themselves when they've been hurt. And others take such forgiveness for granted and end up hurting the other person again because they know they can get away with it. I also believe there are some things that should never be forgiven.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear DennyCrane

Thank you for sharing your point of view. I agree with what you say about standing up for yourself when you have been hurt - and not staying to get hurt again.

You can love the person and not love the way they act towards you. If they knew better, they would do better. My preference would be to forgive and move on.

The benefit of forgiving is in the letting go and not carrying old issues around with you.

I appreciate your taking the time to comment here.

Warmest regards to you,
Anne

[KIVPossum]

HuffPost's Pick

My mother was married to my dad for over 65 years. Dad could often be a real SOB.

Mom said the key to a lasting marriage was: Forgiveness, patience, and more forgiveness.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear KIVPossum

This is just wonderful! What a great recipe for a long lasting marriage.

Thank you very much for your contribution.

Warm good wishes to you,
Anne

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Anne,

You can write volumes on forgiveness.

My favorite story is when I was a t a men's conference and the person talking said how his father put a gun to his haqd when he wass a young guy. He said he could never forgive him.

A man from the back of the room stood up and said,

"If you can't forgive you can't dance."

When you open your heart to forgiveness life becomes a blessing,

Ed

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Ed,

So true what you say about "When you open your heart to forgiveness life becomes a blessing." Oh yes.

I love the story too. But then, what could I expect from a dancer!

You are such a joy!

Thank you for being here and MEGA BLESSINGS for publication day this week!

I am excited for you.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

you are a blessing to HuffPost living

and thanks for your support for our new book that will be published Tues Nov 3rd

excited is an understatement .. I am flying high

May all people be happy

Ed

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

HuffPost's Pick

Hello Anne,

Forgiveness- such a powerful subject! I know your topic is on the subject of marriage, which implies 2 people, but I also want to point out that true forgiveness begins with self. If one harbors guilt and shame from their past and does not do the work of self-forgiveness, the marriage is deeply impacted. Only until we've forgiven ourselves, can we extend it to another.

In the end, the true beneficiary of forgiveness is the one doing the forgiving. It's an act that releases one from the past and frees one to be available in the present.

You touch to the heart of a very important and powerful subject both for couples and for individuals.

Thanks as always, for taking us to the core,

Love and blessings,
Judith

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Judith,

Thank you so much for dropping by and for your thoughtful comment. I so agree with you that forgiveness is a powerful subject.

I agree with you about self-forgiving. As we tend I believe to be mirrors to each other, the issues we have not resolved within ourselves tend to be "reflected" to us by those closest to us. It is like an instant feedback response.

It has been my experience that power is returned to the one who forgives. And yes, the ability to live fully in the present as you say.

Your presence here is always so appreciated!

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[texhall00]

Marriage and forgiveness isn't a cookie cutter for all. A lot has to do with ones upbringing­/enviromen­t and the examples we as children witness. The hidden agendas we don't see at the altar and how one tries to keeps up while the other person in the marriage starts climbing that ladder.
Forgiveness is a process it doesn't just happen over night. When trust has been validated it takes many steps to recover if thats the case.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear texhall00

Thank you for your comment and the reminder that forgiveness is not a process that happens overnight.

I have found that there are many subtle levels that forgiving has; that forgiving opens doors to our greatest qualities and attributes. Upbringing, environment and other influences have a big impact I think on how we work the important relationships in our lives.

With warmest good wishes to you,
Anne

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

HI Anne!
Nice post, and a good topic for couples to visit! I find these simple tips to be great reminders! My husband and I "live" for our annual vacation away- alone with no kids, and a chance for a deep reconnection. Daily life can make for some habits that do not allow for that free and easy time to bring up difficult topics, and have the space to work through them without interruptions.
Grat job!
Kari

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Kari,

Thank you so much for dropping by. How wonderful that you and your husband take that time to go away and just be together. It is too easy to get caught up in the business of daily life and forget how important you are for each other and how bonds can be strengthened.

Lovely as always to hear from you!

With love,
Anne

[RMankovitz]

In my opinion there are some subtle differences surrounding the concept of forgiveness that can have a significant impact on the outcome.

To forgive a person implies that you have power over that person, to either grant or withhold something. In other words, there is an inequality between the parties, implying one is bad and the other is not. This inequality can raise all sorts of boundary issues that can interfere with a resolution of the problem. For example: "I beg your forgiveness" is a common phrase, implying a beggar and someone superior.

Here are a few other approaches that may be much more respectful for all.

The first is to forgive an act, not a person. Instead of "I forgive you." Say "I forgive what you said."

Even better is to eliminate the word forgiveness altogether (it is a loaded word with religious connotations), and substitute: acceptance of an apology.

You can ask the other to apologize (or they do so voluntarily) for their actions, and you accept their apology. Very clean and respectful to all.

Roy Mankovitz, Director
http://www.MontecitoWellness.com

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Roy,

Thank you very much for your contribution to this discussion. In my explorations into forgiveness there seem to be many dimensions to understand.

I am familiar with the idea of forgiving the act rather than the person. However, in the context of the Marriage Course I was witnessing, there seemed to be considerable value in forgiving the person, both for the forgiver and the forgiven.

In addition, the course was given within a church environment so had religious values as part of it. Again, I have seen the value of forgiving taking place both in spiritual contexts and those in which there were no religious or spiritual framework.

The essence of forgiveness seems to me to be about being for - giving. Negative emotion tends to be depleting or diminishing. Giving without conditions and expectations generally is expansive and rewarding.

I also find "begging" for forgiveness is semantically difficult. I think we have yet much to learn about forgiving and the ways it has to benefit our health and well-being.

I appreciate very much the time you have taken to contribute here.

Best regards to you,
Anne

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

RMankovitz - I am so pleased you brought this up because I've never been able to swallow this business of saying "I" forgive YOU. It has never felt natural. Strangely it's only after I found my way, with difficulty, to saying "I'm sorry" that it felt natural.

I'm completely in sync with forgiving as an act. Because it's about me releasing the pain, not the other.

Seeing your message helped me understand my past difficulties with this word.

Peace!

[hoopesaz]

I understand your perspective, but disagree. First, forgiveness isn't necessarily a verbal expression made to someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness is for me, the offended, not for them. Forgiveness is the ability to suffer a hurt at the hands of another, but to refuse to hurt back in return. My actions forgive, not my words. The words themselves become completely unnecessary. If I forgive, my every action will express forgiveness.

And so, I also disagree with replacing the word forgiveness with something else. I'm unsure what religious connotations you are referring to and I don't see what they have to do with the action of forgiveness. That religions think forgiveness is important (and that the secular world has come to the same conclusion) certainly doesn't imply that religion has somehow done it wrong. You may believe religions have lots of things wrong, but when it comes to the doctrine of forgiving one another, they are well ahead of the secular world. Your comment suggests somehow that religion has hijacked the word. Forgiveness is what it is...let's all embrace it and not try and diferentiate mine from yours.

[hoopesaz]

Roy, the other thing that occured to me last night is that I don't believe forgiveness is a response to an apology. I have to be able to forgive those who don't know they have offended me (and thus, won't be apologizing). And, even those who have offended me but simply have no intention of apologizing for the hurt they have caused. Forgiveness is the only way I free myself from that situation and I don't need an apology to get there.

[Giselle25]

I think what should be mentioned as well is that one can forgive and move on from the person. And that a lot of times this is what people should do in order to free up their lives and show themselves self love. Forgiveness will not necessarily make someone else stop devaluing or abusing you. It will not make a person who really doesn't want to only love or have se.x with one person do so.

[T Pol]

I think that's a very good observation. It's not always about infidelity either. Sometimes forgiveness includes recognizing that the other person may be a good person...but not for you.

[Giselle25]

Yeah agreed. My post didn't mention that example but I do believe that.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Forgiveness is such a blessing whether you are single, married or undecided. I find that there is an infinite well of love that I need to tap into daily...I have an infinite variety of things deserving of my forgiveness,

Thank you so much for sharing your incredible post!
Love,
Eli

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

HI Eli,

I could not agree with your more about the blessing of forgiveness. I love the "undecided" part. I too have an infinite variety of things deserving my forgiveness.

Huge love and blessings to you,
Anne

[StarDagger]

And most of all do not engage in the Prison of Monogamy.

[IndependentMeans]

To some, it isn't a prison at all. We choose to stay married and constant. Not for everyone, but our marriage is the greatest part of life for the two of us. And BTW, the physical side is fantastic!! With trust and sharing, it goes way beyond physical.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear StarDagger,

Prison is sometimes a frame of mind. Exercising a certain discipline in any aspect of life can lead to experiences of freedom. Just another point of view.

With warmest regards,
Anne

[jglow77]

I think it's perfectly alright to hold a grudge and let it work itself out. If your loved one prefers not to notice that something is wrong for a long period of time, then something is wrong with the communication between the two of you. If you don't want to dig in, it is probably a better alternative to go through the exercise of forgiving which is in essence convincing your inner self that you care more about this person than risking to alienate them. It does not address the problem why it happened in the first place though. Hopefully in most cases when it's 30 years later, the possible rifts are no longer important whether they are investigated or not.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear jglow77

Thank you for your comment.

Many couples opt to let bygones be bygones and not take an objective view of old hurts. The exercise of forgiving can make for clearer air between two people; to appreciate how much they have grown in maturity and wisdom. When conducted it a loving context, forgiving can deepen the love, compassion and understanding between two people.

I appreciate your sharing your point of view here.

With warmest good wishes,
Anne

[hoopesaz]

And who is hurt when I hold a grudge against someone who doesn't even NOTICE that I am holding a grudge? Yes, me. I'm the only one hurt. I walk around each day and seeth...resentment and anger build, my happiness hinges on the response of someone who doesn't even know that I am angry. And their oblivion only makes me angrier.

Forgiveness free's me from such a burden. I understand the reality of what you say...your example is very often the case of what happens. But I don't understand the benefit to either party. It's a lose-lose strategy.