"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." -- Robert Muller
Forgiving can be really difficult. Why? Letting go is not something we are taught. We learn in a competitive world that the one who is "right" acquires - the best grades, sexiest spouse, luxurious home, most money, glamourous lifestyle, attention and celebrity. Being right about a point of view is even worth fighting for. Who wants to be wrong?
We learn that having things - a new car, designer clothes, exotic holiday, prestigious career - will make us happy. Does it? Sometimes. Until you want the next "thing". We are not schooled in the idea that letting go will make us happy.
We cling to our beliefs about the right way to live, express ourselves and relate with each other.
As the saying goes: would you rather be right, or happy?
Why forgive? It gives us another option - greater authenticity. I am all for a life of prosperity, successful accomplishments and enjoying the material wealth that is available to us. If we believe that such a life is necessary for us, then we could be heading for heartbreak, especially in this current climate.
"When you forgive it takes you from the place of the victim to that of a victor." -- Unknown
Changing our beliefs, being willing to let go, may not come easily to you. Creatures of habit, we hold on to our beliefs, even when they limit us. If you are attached to a past wealthier lifestyle, changing it hurts. Turmoils now in the world demand that many do change.
If you are having difficulty letting go of the past, please be gentle with yourself.
This story of an English vicar, unable to forgive the killers of her daughter, and choosing to resign her post illustrates how sometimes, it is just not possible to forgive.
Do we further condemn her? No, I think she deserves our greatest compassion.
"Be assured that if you knew all, you would pardon all." -- Thomas A. Kempis
For 10 years, I held a vision that 15th March be celebrated annually and globally as International Forgiving Day. More about it in this article: Choosing To Forgive
What happens when you forgive? A space is created for the new to come in. We cannot change what this or that government did, or did not do; what a loved one said in a moment of anger; our lack of patience towards an elderly parent; the rows that triggered a divorce. We can learn the lessons, receive the blessings and move on.
"The forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good." -- Catherine Ponder
Forgiving is one of the most profound acts of loving I have ever experienced. The most challenging has been forgiving myself - forgiving my failures, my shortcomings, disappointments and misunderstandings.
Imagine that you were free from the past to enjoy fully the present moment. What if, no matter what happened, even yesterday, you would let go of attachments and expectations (what you thought should be taking place) and could really make the most of today. You are free. This is a new start.
"One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody everything before you go to bed" -- Ann Landers
Forgiving Statements
You might like to experiment with completing these statements, either in your mind or in writing:
I forgive myself or judging _________ (myself, another person, situation) for __________.
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." -- Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiving Breaths
Take in a deep breath and as you breathe out say to yourself:
I forgive ________ and fill in the space whoever or whatever you would like to forgive, and let go.
As you release an attachment, allow yourself to grow more peaceful.
"The ineffable joy of forgiving and being forgiven forms an ecstasy
that might well arouse the envy of the gods." -- Elbert Hubbard
Forgiving - not another burden to shoulder
Have you noticed that the word shoulder includes "should"; that when you are putting yourself under pressure, your shoulders become tense? If there is something you cannot forgive, better to accept it. Be open to the possibility that one day this too may change.
"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice." -- Abraham Lincoln
During the years I have been exploring forgiving, I have discovered many inspiring stories of forgiveness and deep healing taking place, in seemingly impossible circumstances. Here is the latest:
"Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope, a reorganization of thought, and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events." -- Beverly Flanigan
Have you ever found the courage to forgive in difficult times? Have you experienced not being able to forgive? How do you think forgiving could help you to overcome present trials?
I would love to hear from you, either as a comment here or contact me at: ClearResults@mac.com.
Follow Anne Naylor on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Anne4Joy
Kristen Houghton: Forgive Yourself and Let Go
Do you have to work through your anger at a situation before you can forgive someone? Or can the act of forgiveness help your work through your anger? Can it really be that simple?
I am not someone who forgives easily - especially myself, but I really, really want to work on it. I am done with carrying the ghosts of old on my back and I want to release them. But I feel like some of them have been with me so long and are clinging to me so tightly that I don't know where to begin.
I love your posts - they are always so inspirational and thought provoking. Thank you.
Thank you very much for your comment. Forgiveness is not necessarily so simple. Working through your anger might be a step towards forgiving someone. The thing about focussing on negative emotion like anger is that you may tend to stay stuck with it. If you could, I would forgive yourself for feeling anger and let it go. Then I would forgive the person and let the issue go.
Learning to forgive yourself is really worth while. Start by taking small steps in that direction. Practise completing forgiving statements. Be for-giving towards yourself, that is to say be kind and compassionate towards your vulnerabilities and humanness. By giving yourself these gifts, you will liberate yourself into a much better quality of life. Above all, be patient with yourself in the process.
I hope this helps you a little. I appreciate your courage and honesty.
Warm best wishes,
Anne
I have an older sister who has been abusive to me all of my life. I put up with it as a child because I didn't know any better but when I grew up I realized how destructive her behavior was and confronted her on i t . She discontinued communicating with me but sought to undermine my reputation with the rest of the family. I finally just let go of her and went on with my own life.
Later, she wanted me back in her life. I felt that we needed to talk about the unfinished business of the past but she refused and wanted me to "just forgive." so finally I agreed . At first everything was rosey but after a while the old behaviors surfaced again, and again I was forbidden from mentioning anything that might upset her. So I forgave again until her behavior was so outrageous that I let go of her again..
She demands that I forgive her, (not asked...demanded) with no discussion. On my last visit, she had lost her hearing in the upper range and since I have a high voice she was unable to hear anything I said. To me, a relationship in which one person is not allowed to speak isn't a real relationship. I get that it is my "duty" to forgive her but is it my duty to reconcile with her
Thank you for your comment. What a challenging situation you have.
My own view is that there is no "duty" involved with either forgiving or reconciliation. They are voluntarily given.
In your shoes, I might communicate with her, in writing if not in speech, how I feel and my own requirements for a relationship to work with her. Frankly, I might tell her that I love her but that I am unable to relate with her on her terms - if that were the case for you. I would also forgive myself for any misunderstandings and disappointment I had experienced. Then go on my own way.
I hope that this may help you.
I appreciate very much your writing about this situation.
Wamr good wishes,
Anne
Because of her repeated offenses, and her absence of sensitivity to your feelings, your sister should not be allowed back into your life. She may not be an ordinary stranger to disassociate, but you're in charge of your own happiness -- she certainly doesn't care about it. Your sister has received her chances and she has blown it.
Now, if she wants to be back in your intimate life again, mention to her that you want her back in your life too, but only if you two go to family counseling. If you mean that much to her, she'll happily oblige. If not, it doesn't sound like she cares about you that much. You don't need a person like that in your life. The decision is up to her (to reject or accept your offer), not yours, so do not feel too guilty about it.
Through blessing the other person, or wishing them well this triggers an intentional release over a period. When one no longer feels a strong reaction , a tension, an increased heart rate etc..some kind of charge ,then the work is done...I think also just seeing each other's humanity helps.
Thre are more formal processes to forgiveness-try reading "The Sunflower" .
Thank you very much for your comment. For quite a while I did not really understand what it meant to forgive or how to do it, even though it seemed like a good idea.
First of all, forgiving is a process for many of us. Hurt involves both you as recipient and the other as the one who delivered the hurt, possibly unknowingly. The hurt can be a wake up call to an awareness of vulnerability and opportunity for communication. So the hurt has a value. It can prove to be a good bridge to better understanding and a deeper love.
You certainly do matter! Taking care of yourself does matter. Letting another person know that you have experienced hurt can be valuable. The questions you ask are short, but the answers are quite long. You might start by practising completing the forgiving statements I mention in the post and perhaps be open to discovering how forgiving might work for you.
I very much appreciate your questions.
With love and best wishes,
Anne
Great post.
I don't think we ever 'get over' such a deep loss. The question that remains is what can we do to grow through it? Forgiveness sets not only the perpetrator free, but those of us who know the loss personally.
Thank you, Anne, for your beautiful contribution, and the chance to share,
Cara
Your comment is very touching to me. Thank you for sharing such a profound experience. I appreciate very much your taking the time to write it..
With love and blessings to you,
Anne
A metta meditation:
May I be peaceful.
My my heart be open.
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature.
May I be healed.
May I be a source of healing for all beings.
May I be happy.
Then repeat the same words for the person you are trying to forgive, over and over until your heart opens. It can have miraculous results.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful meditation. I love how you work to come to forgiving and the results you achieve.
I appreciate your comment.
Blessings to you,
Anne
What do you do when you're trying your best to forgive someone -- not because the person has done anything to earn your forgiveness, but merely because it will make someone else happy -- but yet the person does something EVERY SINGLE DAY to renew your anger and, perhaps, hatred?
Simple answer to your question from my point of view: let the person go and move on. When you forgive someone else, it can bring you peace of mind. Your forgiveness does not necessarily make anyone else happy. You are not responsible ultimately for anyone else's happiness. You are responsible for your own.
Warm good wishes to you,
Anne
Blessings to you,
Anne
I think you have your own answer. If someone hurts you, then you have the option to forgive them for hurting you, not necessarily outwardly but just within yourself. Forgetting and moving on makes sense to me.
Thank you for your comment.
Anne
If you click on the link for Choosing To Forgive, there is a fuller explanation of how the date came about. In a way, no coincidence because the Ides of March is a story of betrayal. Forgiving is a way to reconcile betrayal - although that was not the intention at the outset.
Thank you for noticing!
Anne
Sometimes, I think we just move to the beat of a different drummer as the saying goes. Relationships can change and we may find we are on another track than someone who was once close to us. Within yourself, you may wish to forgive any misunderstanding you experienced and simply go your own way, if that is possible.
In my experience, I have known people whom I respect and love, but find that their behaviour is no longer compatible with mine. So I love them from a distance. That is an option. Moving on can be the best choice.
Thank you for your comment.
Best wishes,
Anne