The intoxication of romance may bring a sense of the certainty that your loved one will be with you for eternity. Divorce statistics show otherwise. Romance does not guarantee longevity of partnership.
In fact, I have noticed that the more intense an attraction, the more likely it fades. Intensity can lead to valuable life lessons -- or why would you be so attracted? When the lessons have been learned, the relationship might be over and done.
Many of the couples whose ceremonies I officiate as a wedding celebrant impress me as being emotionally mature. That is to say, they seem to have an understanding, acceptance and appreciation of each other, their strengths, their weaknesses, their personal aspirations and vision for the marriage. They communicate well with each other.
What is emotional maturity? I find that it is the willingness to assume personal responsibility for your fulfilment and joy, such that your communications are expressed openly, honestly and with trust and confidence. You are more able to give and receive love, without blame or fear. What is more, you are not overly dependent upon the approval of your loved one for your well-being and happiness. As Khalil Gibran wrote in "The Prophet," "Let there be spaces in your togetherness."
The vows a couple expresses during their ceremony form the foundation for the devotion they have for each other in their marriage. When a couple asks for assistance in choosing their vows, I suggest they consider the promises they make for not only when times are good but also when life throws its curve balls at them, as life will do. How will they cope with challenges, between themselves or in the world around them, such as finances, career changes and raising children? Which strengths and qualities will they need to overcome the hurdles and to deepen their love for each other?
So is lifelong love a possibility? Or should we more realistically consider "serial monogamy" as a workable option? Is the payoff of an enduring partnership worth the price necessary to pay for achieving it?
At this time, we have the luxury of choice which was less available 100 or even 50 years ago. Women, even in the developed world, did not have the freedom we do now for safe sexual expression and the choice of bearing children. We also have a wealth of information about first choosing the right mate, and then enjoying a loving partnership in the longer term. We are creating new role models for happy, healthy intimate relationships.
Increasingly, I am finding that couples seek to renew their vows, say, every seven or 10 years. This makes sense. Individuals learn, grow and develop. Marriages present new demands and opportunities for an expansion and growth of the love that supports them.
A renewal of vows ceremony can, in my experience, breathe new life into a marriage in which there have been hurts or disappointment. The genuine expression of forgiveness, and a willingness to heal, can open another level of loving to be shared and lives to be enriched. Love has many facets during a lifetime partnership. The ceremony extends a blessing and offers a gateway for a fresh relationship to unfold.
The Marriage Course, available on dvd, offers couples a opportunity to understand and appreciate each other more effectively. Presented in seven sessions with an accompanying workbook, the course addresses the topics of Building Strong Foundations, The Art of Communication, Resolving Conflict, The Power of Forgiveness, Parents and In-laws, Good Sex and Love in Action.
In our fast paced lives, do we really have time for marriage, for keeping alive the spark of romance in the longer term? Is it worth it? For sure, lifelong love takes our time and attention. Like a plant that is neglected, a marriage will die for lack of the equivalent of fresh air, light and water.
In laying down a solid foundation, The Marriage Course offers these four building blocks. None of them is finite. Each invites regular attention and care.
Building Friendship
When asked the question, "What do you most love in your partner?" many couples will say, "He/she is my best friend." Bonds of friendship are enduring. Friendship offers one with whom to play with and have fun, and also, importantly, to offer the comfort and protection we all need from time to time.
My bounty is as deep as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
-- William Shakespeare
Building Communication
For communication to work well, each must feel safe in the company of the other. Heartfelt listening opens the way for clear communications to take place. For more on communication, you might like to read the article I wrote a few months ago: "The ABC's of Good Communication."
They do not love that do not show their love.
-- William Shakespeare
Building Physical Relationship
Knowing and fulfilling your desires for sex are important parts of a happy marriage, but then so is also non-sexual touching in communicating your affection and love.
When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.
-- William Shakespeare
Building a Future Together
Deep love is less the looking at each other, and more looking in the same direction. Shared values allow you to prepare a clear vision for the years ahead.
My heart is ever at your service.
-- William Shakespeare
I awake at dawn with a winged heart, and give thanks for another day of Loving.
-- Khalil Gibran
As a romantic, seasoned by life experience with a generous measure of reality, I wish you a very happy Valentine's Day, whether you are single, with a partner or open to meet the mate of your dreams. Lifelong loving starts in the relationship with yourself.
What do you think makes for a fulfilling marriage? What is the most important ingredient for enduring love? What would you like to receive this Valentine's Day? I would love to hear from you.
Please feel free to leave a comment below or contact me at anne@annenaylor.com

For information on my future blogs, click "Become A Fan" at the top of the page.
To know more about the wedding ceremonies I design and officiate, go to: Ceremonies Of The Heart.
Follow Anne Naylor on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Anne4Joy
Andrew Z. Cohen: 'I Just Called to Say I Love You': Reflections on the Multiple Meanings of Love
Celebrating Valentine's Day! - Sacramento marriage advice ...
9 Tips to Spice Up Your Marriage: Relationship advice for this ...
Relationship advice on love, dating, marriage, weddings and ...
Happy Valentine's Day! Ed and I just returned home from a lovely candle-light dinner, something we have been doing for over 31 years on this day. I am a most fortunate woman, indeed. I am also very grateful to you, for your timely article. It seems that I will be the celebrant for Judith's daughter's marriage this March. So, trust me, I'm printing out your post, will study it in depth, and get in touch with you for more discussion.
Meanwhile, to your questions:
What do you think makes for a fulfilling marriage? A fulfilling union with our own heart and Soul, and awareness that each day is a brand new day for discovering how to find the unexpected, the astonishing in the Beloved we think we know.
What is the most important ingredient for enduring love? Compassionate forgiveness, with a willingness not to take things personally, and a scoop of major humor.
What would you like to receive this Valentine's Day? The sunrise and sunset, and everything the Universe brings in between that reminds me how lucky I am.
Blessings and oodles of love your way, Anne,
Cara
My heart warms to your comment - thank you very much!
Please do get in touch if there is any way I can assist you with your March celebration. Officiating wedding ceremonies is such a great joy for me, to witness the exchanges of vows and rings taking place with two loving Souls.
I so appreciate the warmth of your presence here, your wisdom and your trust in the infinite goodness of Life.
Love, joy and many blessings to you, dearest One,
Anne
Our marriage today is happier, stronger, hotter, and more exciting in every way than it was even on our honeymoon.
We've had some incredibly challenging years when we really didn't like each other. Through those times our decision not to divorce kept us together, and our characters grew. We're not afraid of a fight, but we've learned how to keep out words that can never be taken back. I think the bottom line is that we want to continually learn how to be better for our God, each other, our kids, and others whose lives we cross.
I know that I can't take credit for hitting the jackpot with the love of my life, and that many aren't so fortunate. But I had a hunch that a man who was willing to base our relationship on friendship instead of sex, and who cared about me, would be willing to do what it takes to keep our relationship strong. It also helped that I had parents with a strong relationship for me to look up to.
My wish for you is that all forms of amazement greet you with each sunrise,
And, with each sunset, may you have explored increasing dimensions of the miracle that you are together and apart..............always true and faithful to your One heart.
I'm off to fan you, my dear,
Cara
I love the example you are offering here of the doors of possibility that friendship opens for lifelong love.
I wish you many more years ahead of joy, friendship and deep love.
Anne
I have been married for 40 years…
What I love most about my wife is the way she makes me feel when I am with her!
What makes a marriage fulfilling is the confidence and consideration to support and encourage your partner not just to find the space, but take the time to unfold in their own way.
And, what ingredient causes love to endure is the sharing of ourselves with each other.
What I would like for this and every subsequent Valentine’s Day is the same as the last 40… To both open and close the day with her… That makes us both happy, and what else is there?
Happy "V" day!
Lawson Meadows
Good to hear from you again. Congratulations on being married for 40 years. And Happy V Day to you!
I love what you write so beautifully. You and your wife are blessed and fortunate to be with each other.
I wish you many many more years of happiness together.
Peace, joy and laughter to you,
Anne
Happy 100th blog! that is just amazing! They are all wonderfully endearing, soft, gentle and inspiring! I love the suggestions for new couples as well as those interested in reinventing their marriage with vow renewals or ceremonies.
We have so many choices in the modern day. Some think marriages used to last because there wasn't anyone else around! I disagree. Deepening in a marriage is a privelge and a gift.
Thanks for the valentine's sweets!
Thank you! I am very grateful to have the possibility to write here on HP.
I love what you say about deepening in a marriage is a privilege and a gift. So very true.
Wishing you a special and Happy Valentine's Day!
Anne
Some people love each other for years and will break up and get back together multiple times.
I agree with you about enjoying love as long as you have it. It speaks to me of living in the present moment, celebrating that and being less concerned about how the future unfolds.
With joy to you,
Anne
While on the subject, I've wondered why HuffPo launched its "Divorce" section (aside from the explicit explanations given), but has not thought of starting a comparable "Marriage" one. Apparently marriage falls under the general "Living," while divorce merits its own bloc of information. Hm.
It seems a bit jaded to me (that's an understatement, to be sure) and akin to putting the cart before the horse.
I understand the need for support and guidance during divorce, but perhaps if we spent more time on teaching -- and learning, more importantly -- how to have a good marriage, we would not need the former so often.
I agree with what you say about spending more time on teaching and learning about marriage. In my experience, divorce was an intense and painful learning experience. Part of which motivates me to offer prevention (of relationship dis-ease) rather than cure (after divorce).
Like other topics I would like to see in the school/college curriculum, such as managing finances, healthy eating, exercise, and sleeping, for example. Who knows? This could yet happen.
Wishing you happiness and joy,
Anne
I am all for promoting emotional literacy, including teaching and learning about marriage (and of course relationships in general). We are woefully dim in this area of life, even though it is the most important one. Somehow we assume that this is something we learn by osmosis -- and we do, only that, more often than not, we absorb all the wrong lessons from our environment, which lacks appropriate teachers and role models.
Would that I could give more, the forever gift.
Gratitude - another important element for lifelong love in my experience.
Joy to you,
Anne
We laugh at oursleves,at each other and mostly together......................You have to laugh.
Congratulations on the beautiful partnership journey you have travelled. Laughter - yes. Definitely, it is the best
Wishing you both many more years of joy, laughter and happiness,
Anne
Wishing you a very happy and loving one,
Anne
I'm emailing your post to my daughter, whose wedding is next month. Much good advice here for creating a healthy platform for life long love. After all, the romance part is great, but it's the life long love part that poses the greatest challenge to couples.
This piece couldn't have been timed better! Many thanks,
Judith
I am very happy to hear that the timing works so well!
Sometimes, I see romance as being the ignition for life long love. But I think there are some things to learn about the sustaining fuel if we really want to commit to marriage. That is part of the beauty I see in our age. We have the possibility to be clear in our intention and to have the willingness to fulfil it.
Loving and blessings to you,
Anne
Yes, Kahlil Gibran put his finger on it. I had not heard the pine and the palm not growing in each others' shadow, but it works well.
Nor had I heard the idea of boring each other to death by looking into each others' eyes the whole time. But how true!
I appreciate your comment.
Happiness to you,
Anne
Touch each other. Not just sexually, and with love.
Shut the heck up now and then. Talk when you need to and you will be listened to and heard.
Ask for nothing, recieve everything.
"Ask for nothing, receive everything" speaks to me of a high level of trust. I am also with you on being appreciative. These qualities are precious to me.
Blessings of joy to you,
Anne
I recently saw the Steve Martin movie "Roxanne" for the first time since I was a kid (it was even better than I remembered) and there was this great little exchange towards the beginning between Roxanne and two of her girlfriends:
Friend: "So what happened with you guys?" [Roxanne and her former boyfriend.]
Roxanne: "We just ran out of steam. I don't know...I think I mistook sex for love."
2nd Friend: "I did that once. It was great."
I think that sums up most modern relationships! :)
As to the specifics, it seems to me that there are many possibilities from which to choose these days. Knowing what you want with anything is the first step towards getting it. That can be the most difficult step to take, and it is very freeing.
Love the Roxanne quote!
Joy to you,
Anne
communication & commitment
What is the most important ingredient for enduring love?
kindness
Lovingly,
Ed
You always manage to communicate the warmth of who you are when you comment.
Thank you for being you, and expressing the love that you so richly embody!
Joy, Peace and grace to you,
Anne
You bring heart to 'living' :-))