The ABC's Of Good Communication

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.
All things are bound together. All things connect.
- Chief Seattle

We have more means than ever before for connecting with each other - social networks, talking face to face through our computers, at the flick of a switch we can send a video from a mobile phone across the world. You need never be alone for an instant. But do you really connect with others such that you feel heard, and perhaps validated, appreciated or cared for? Are the contacts you make rewarding and fulfilling? Do you connect with others as well as you would like, especially those most important to you?

Leaving school, I went to read Architecture at Sheffield University in England. It turned out to be a mistake. For want of better career advice, I sold myself into becoming an architect. It was not my vocation, though I learnt a lot from my two years of making the attempt.

The architectural students had a coffee bar on the top floor of a 19 story Arts Tower. The coffee bar was a place to hang out. I struggled to talk to my fellow students. I could say words, but they did not seem to reach their destination. I could not make contact. I was not heard. I felt isolated and miserable.

The fact was I had so much static of self-doubt and self-judgment going on that I could not reach out beyond it. Have you ever had an experience like that? Where you wanted to connect with someone, but just could not? Blame, guilt, frustration, shame, shyness are other forms of static that get in the way of communicating clearly, and produce misunderstanding.

I watched closely how people connect with each other. Connecting is not entirely about saying something witty or meaningful, though that is good for getting attention. Being an attentive listener counts for a lot. Listening can involve hearing behind the words, to something more profound, to whispers of the heart.

As a recruitment consultant, I learned to listen to the candidates I was placing in jobs. When I did not have a job that matched their talents and skills, I got to wondering how I could assist people with high energy and unusual gifts. This curiosity led to what I then called HEART Consultations, because I listened to what the heart was saying. The energy of the heart reveals a person's true motivations, aspirations and aptitudes.

If communicating were easy, we would all be much better at it. Here are some tips:

ABC's of Communicating

A. Accept yourself and others....
.... just as you and they are

When you judge or criticize, forgive. Judging breaks connections. Forgiving awakens the deeper part of your loving nature, which makes all communications easier.

B. Be open...
.... willing to be true to yourself, and towards those with whom you wish to communicate. Receive, without condition, what others have to express to you.

To be open is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability has the meaning both of being wounded, and blessed. Wounds can be transformed into your blessings. Every difficult experience you have can be used to develop your inner strength, such that you can stand forward more fully in the magnificent truth of who you are. Paradoxically, in that strength, you are less likely to be hurt.

To grow mature is to separate more distinctly, to connect more closely.
Hugo von Hofmannsthal

C. Create safety...
... and trust. Being frank and fair will let others know where they stand with you.

They will feel comfortable to be themselves and communicate what is true for them. This is such a profound service to offer, to any one at any age.

Loving, caring and an absence of threat will enable another person to connect with their heart and the resources it holds for them.

The thing I loved the most - and still love the most about teaching -
is that you can connect with an individual or a group,
and see that individual or group exceed their limits.
Mike Krzyzewski

D. Decide to be friendly

A warm smile can say much without any words being expressed. Shared laughter and joy serve to connect us way beyond our differences.

Connecting silently can happen through a firm handshake, a hug, sharing the rhythm of a dance. To touch is to enrich, both giver and receiver.

E. Exercise a positive focus

A positive focus is part an attitude - of focusing on the positive, the good in any situation; and part holding an intention of a positive outcome, no matter how things look in the present. A positive focus makes good communication much easier.

F. Factor X

As delicate as the thread of a spider's web, and as strong, there is a powerful and unseen quality of connection we share that cannot be defined. You can awaken to it.

It is the connection of mother to child. The connection sometimes of romantic chemistry. The presence of a person who had devoted their life to a spiritual practice.

We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men. Herman Melville

G. Go for it!

Dare to reach out and make new connections. Dare to deepen the connections you already have. Dare to be more fully your glorious self!

You are not an accident. You are here for good purpose. Allow yourself to be seen, to be known, to be enjoyed. Awaken yourself to living in a new world of wonder and fulfilment, while being in the same old one.

What is it that draws us together? What is the purpose? What can you learn from those drawn to you? Do you have any tips for making good connections with others?

Please feel free to leave a comment below, or contact me at [e-mail]. I love to hear your views and insights on how we can connect and communicate to make this a better world in which to live.

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Comments

[WDHorden]

What a beautiful article, Anne. You touch on so many important points with such sound advice!

One of my teachers once told me, "Everyone speaks their own language. If you really want to communicate with others, you have to learn their language. And take the time to teach them yours."

Simple and direct, these words have proven to be among the most valuable ever entrusted me.

Let me add my best wishes for the coming year!

William

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you very much, William for your kind words and the inspiration of your teacher.

There is something about taking the time to know a person and the language that is meaningful for them. Time well spent I think.

I appreciate your dropping by to contribute.

Many blessings to you,
Anne

[khanti]

I love your India quote Ms.Anne and happy birthday to you at the same time. The Native Indians live close to the land. Their teacher is nature and they learn to live with a true heart. Have our young gene-ration forgotten aboput these wise quotes?

Here's another one;

"Once I was in Victoria, and I saw a very large house.
They told me it was a bank and that the white men place their
money there to be taken care of, and
that by and by they got it back with interest.

"We are Indians and we have no such bank; but when we
have plenty of money or blankets, we give them away to
other chiefs and people, and by and by they return them
with interest, and our hearts feel good. Our way of giving is our bank."

Chief Maquinna, Nootka

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear khanti

Thank you very much for your good wishes and the lovely quotes. I appreciate the inspiration.

Blessings to you,
Anne

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

TO

YOU!

MAY THIS YEAR BE THE BEST EVER

LOVE

ED & DEB

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much! Your caring and support goes towards that Best Ever Year!

Huge love and appreciation,
Anne

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Anne, It's been a great birthday for me. thanks for your email

this is a really helpful and wise blog. i do love the following quote:

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.
All things are bound together. All things connect.
- Chief Seattle

Joy,
Ed

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your presence here, always all ways! It's been a great birthday for me too - so many blessings, I am feeling very touched.

Love and joy to you,
Anne

[Ray E]

forgiving also makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of

and judging is 'good' if you have a good reason to judge.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Ray E,

Thank you very much for your comment and contribution.

In my experience, when I have forgiven, I am strengthened inwardly and less vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I am more in tune with the truth of who I am and relate from that truth.

There is a meaning of judgment which is that of discerning and is valuable. Being judgmental however is another thing because it does not liberate. It limits in my experience.

Best regards to you,
Anne

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

PS- Happy Birthday dear lady! May the coming year be filled with abundant blessings!

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you very much! I am looking forward to those blessings with rich anticipation!

Loving you,
Anne

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Dear Anne,

Another lovely post! Your ABC's of good communication are all spot on.

I especially like what you call "Factor X". Isn't it that Factor X that makes the difference in almost everything? It's that ineffable quality that is present, yet we can't quite name it. I'd call it the spiritual factor, our ability to be present in the moment. Being truly present is the prerequisite for good communication. Without it, the rest is wasted effort and inauthentic.

You possess Factor X!!!! I look forward to your posts every week because of your delicious Factor X quality. Keep bringing it, my friend.

Much love and blessings to you,
Judith

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Judith,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I love your showing up here!

Yes, I agree, Factor X does make the difference and being present as you say. I think also there are realms of information and understanding that are available to us as we connect to the special essence that is within each of us, and which connects us to others.

I shall do my best to "keep bringing it" as you suggest... ! This whole process of writing these arrticles makes it all very worthwhile for me. I am grateful.

Huge love and warm blessings to you,
Anne

[brettrobbins]

HuffPost's Pick

Thanks for the wise words, Anne. What you say about listening to the other person's heart resonates quite deeply for me. I've found that often when someone we love registers anger at something we say it's due more to sadness at what we've said--for whatever reason, right or wrong or both--than to anger per se. Unfortunately, when we're shut up within our own ego-cage we sometimes fail to see this and rather than act lovingly toward the one we've hurt we lash out back at them and they at us and this domino effect results in a major argument that could have just as easily have been defused if not parlayed into a mutually nurturing moment between us, a learning experience, an opportunity for joy even. Once, for example, I took issue with something a friend of mine had said and several minutes of silence followed. In those moments I assumed I'd made her angry so I prepared myself to react negatively to her impending negative reaction to my original statement. But then--what do you know!--she walked over to me and started massaging my shoulders. Without a word, and I thanked her, and the rest of the evening was splendid. If I'd acted on my mistaken assumption­s--MISread her heart--a completely different experience would have resulted. One truly is one's own worst enemy!

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you Brett. I really appreciated your comment and did not get to respond to you!

The example of a mis-communication you gave is very to the point. I think we are often our own worst enemies. We tend to project on to others what is really going on inside of ourselves.

Sometimes, taking a moment for a deep breath and then to acknowledge the humour in our misunderstandings can help us to regain a better perspective.

Warmest good wishes to you,
Anne

[libido]

HuffPost's Pick

If you listen, people will tell you everything you want to know!
-------------

People only hear what they want to hear!
-------------

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you very much for your wise words, libido.

What you say is so true! Sometimes I find that what we say we may need to hear as much for ourselves, as for anyone else to hear us. I have often found that in counselling situations.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[Gnrshrtd]

HuffPost's Pick

So good to see in your first tip the truth about judgment and how it diminishes trust and distorts communication.

When I was taking my second degree (in Communications, no less), I was introduced to the concept of active listening: clearing my mind of my own thoughts to make room for the message the other person is giving. The easiest way for me to focus on them is simple: I put down what I'm doing and turn and face them. There are limits to the benefits of multi-tasking.

And I agree with your description of the X Factor, the human heart. My experience is that a person may hear what I say, but if there is no person-to-person connection, what they hear may not be what I intended to say.

With your permission, I am copying your tips and pasting them into a side-bar on my desktop. Thanks

[I started a reply earlier and it disappeared, I hope this doesn't show up as a re-post.]

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Gnrshrtd

Thank you very much for your contribution to this discussion. I love the way you have expanded on two of the points, and actually the general theme of the article.

And I am totally happy for you to retain the tips somewhere they may be useful for you.

With appreciation and warmest good wishes to you,
Anne

[ImissBush]

huh/ i dont get it
:)

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear ImissBush

Thank you very much for your comment. I am sure you are not alone in "not getting it".

In my experience, we generally learn to communicate successfully through selling, negotiating, persuading, making an impact in some way.

Learning the art of listening is a whole other skill. Not only do we hear words, but we learn to attune to a whole range of senses beyond our basic ones of seeing, hearing, touching etc. Intuition, creativity and other abilities come through open listening and those abilities can become life-sustaining.

Warmest regards to you and thank you very much for dropping by.
Anne

[ImissBush]

actually

i was trying , obviously none 2 successful­ly...

(what we have here is a failure 2 communucat­e...cool hand luke)

2 b funny

i.e. your article's about communicating & i dint "get it"

but u won me over as a fan by your polite response

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Ann!
Love the article. I have found many people talk about how disconnected they feel from others these days.
I have to add one thing to your list!
For me, when a group has some sort of ritual to do together- whether it is eating a special meal, creating a circle with candles and soft lighting, or a more indepth event to acknowledge a special event- that helps everyone shift into another frame of mind, open the hearts you speak of so eloquently, and feel closer than would be possible in normal conversations.

Keep up that great, insightful gift you have week after week! Amazing job.
kari

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Kari,

Thank you very much for dropping by! I love what you say about heartfelt gatherings.

Yesterday, I was at one - a rather different book launch in London at which I met so many old friends from years ago. It was a most special event at which I found myself connecting many times through the heart. These times are very precious.

I also appreciate your encouragement! It seems I have quite a bit to write about....

Have a wonderful week ahead!

With love to you,
Anne

[pinellas]

Lovely list - & quite handy - I'll be saving this for future reference & sharing...­...

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear pinellas

Thank you for commenting! I am happy to know you found the tips useful.

Please feel free to share! I shall probably put them into a pdf and on my website so they are easy to download.

Have a great week!

Blessings to you,
Anne

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

This week I was leading a conference on the topic of communication. I am so glad to see you address the fact that so many seemed to want to "connect but just could not." Blame, guilt, frustration, shame, shyness are other forms of static that get in the way of communicating clearly, and produce misunderstandings.

Communication is the building block of human relations. Listening with the heart is one of the most profound ways we open the door to another.

These are wonderful keys to help us build bridges rather than stay isolated in our own little worlds which are clouded by static.

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you very much for dropping by, Eli. I much appreciate what you say. Listening with the heart and building bridges is the essence of communication.

What a gift to lead a conference on the topic of communication. Imagine a world in which we all learn to communicate better with each other. Wow!

With love to you,
Anne