What Makes Us Fall In Love?

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread."--Mother Teresa

Summer, and it is the wedding season. I have the pleasure of assisting couples choose their vows, create a wedding blessing and conduct a ceremony that reflects their unique partnership. For a couple it is no small journey to make between the moment of "falling in love" and committing to marriage. Yet, in spite of the divorce statistics, many couples still choose lifelong partnership.

Last week in Cannes, I saw a beautifully filmed and poignant movie: Hardly Bear To Look At You. Following a tale of unrequited love, it was excruciating to view. I have been there. More than once. Why the pain? Through the eyes of the filmmakers, I watched the vitality of the main character drain through his obsessive love. He nearly drowns in the hope that she might, one day, share the attraction he feels. One gazed; the other was gazed at. This couple lacked real connection and contact.

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction." --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The bizarre thing with obsession, as I witnessed in the movie, is that pain and pleasure were intertwined and interminable, addictive and emotionally debilitating. An intense emotional attraction that ends painfully offers a wake up call, a lesson to be learned, hurts to be healed.

1. What is the power of attraction?

The power of attraction causes you to connect with a person, situation or series of experiences which lead to learning and self-fulfilment. In any lesson, there is a blessing or a gift.

The love in your attraction provides a mirror. If you are needy for love, you are likely to attract another needy person. When you depend upon someone else to make you happy, or they depend on you to make them happy, your capacity for fulfilment gets depleted. Ultimately, you are the one responsible for experiencing happiness in your relationship.

When you are at one with yourself, being true to you and your values, you are better placed to attract another who will grow in loving with you. The power of attraction then evolves into a deeper, more rewarding love.

2. What purpose does the power of attraction serve?

The greatest purpose of the power of attraction is to take you out of your known world and into something new. You have no control over this attraction. You are best to accept, co-operate, learn from -- and enjoy it!

A loving relationship is an upward spiral leading to a greater qualify of life. It also offers you the chance to resolve issues, insecurities and self-doubt, so you become more compassionate, understanding and empathetic. Those chances show up in the irritations, frustrations, disappointments that come as you invest your loving in another. Only you can know your hidden fears or anger.

3. Why do you "fall in love"?

"Falling in love" is awakening to a greater part of you: the wealth of love within you. The heightened energy you experience may burn itself out, as with an infatuation, or unrequited love. Or it may lead to the joy, fulfilment and enriching experience of a lifelong partnership.

Within the first two years of being together, the lessons you have to learn with a life partner usually show up. He loves sport on tv; she enjoys documentaries; she is tidy and well organized; he likes living more chaotically; she goes to bed early; he goes to bed late; he plans; she is spontaneous. You know the kind of thing. Do you have the love to sustain you above and beyond your differences? The tolerance and humour to ride the rough times? The intention to put loving first?

Married 81 years, this couple may have something to teach us.

In a wedding ceremony, the moment a couple face each other to express their vows, and commitment to the marriage, is when I experience the blessing taking place. I happen to be the fortunate witness close at hand. When the couple turn to face me again, they are radiant and clear. Their faces shine brightly with love.

Loving has nothing to do with bad economy or good economy. Love is the source of who we are, and what we may yet become.

"Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul." --St. Augustine

As our possibilities for connecting with each other expand, our world grows smaller. You can feel empathy more than ever before. It starts with loving you, and then the one next to you.

We are One Love:

Do you have a love story to share? How has your love grown during your marriage? Do you recall the first time you "fell in love"?

I welcome your comments and thoughts, either below here or by email: [e-mail] You can receive notice of my blogs every Saturday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

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Comments

[WindySailor]

11:03 AM on 06/03/2009

This is such a complex topic but there are a few simple observatio­ns I've made over the years:

1. "Falling in love with love" is an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Don't marry or commit to a long-term relationsh­ip because you feel the need to be in a relationsh­ip. Do so because you share something very special with your partner.

2. Do not, repeat DO NOT, look to a relationsh­ip to make yourself happy. Find that first in yourself.

3. Do not, repeat DO NOT, assume that you can change your partner's personalit­y or behavior. Ain't going to happen.

4. Besides being truthful, caring, giving, and loving, find a way (even a small one) to delight your partner in a very personal way once in a while. It will show that you pay attention and will bring you much closer together. One year at Christmas, I gave my wife a book that had been a joy to her as a child. She was truly speechless and we both remember that day years later with great fondness.

[MaximilianMe]

06:42 AM on 06/02/2009

Anne, your piece gives me a brighter outlook on love.

I was dating a girl for 7 months, began as sexual, no strings and developed into more, as we realised how much we felt. I always felt she was holding back, not speaking about how she felt etc. I tried asking but for fear of scaring her away, I didn’t push. I said I would bide my time.

I received an email recently from a guy saying he had been dating her for a year. He lives in a different country; they visited each other a few times while we were together. We spoke candidly for the first time. I gave her a second chance. Then when I was on holidays, I received an email from her. She said things had changed, she chose him.

How can we know when to push someone, to ask, can you or will you be mine? It seems that in relationsh­ips in general, one person always holds the cards. i.e. one person is more into it than the other. I bided my time, won her over (almost), but in the end, the prize was not all I thought it was.

I’m still in love with her.

To accept that you love someone with all your heart, yet to realise they are not the one for you, is quite difficult. I would (against all advice) probably take her back. We have not spoken or had any contact since her email.

Thanks Anne

[Anne Naylor]

09:48 AM on 06/02/2009

Dear Maximilian­Me

Thank you very much for your comment and for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you.

My feeling is that you need to learn to love yourself enough so that you can be available for one who feels as you do. You never know how a long term relationsh­ip might have worked out with her - for all you know, you might have been spared something which did not go so wonderfull­y. She might have turned out to be not such a "prize" for you.

I am a great believer in having a clear intention for what you want in your heart of hearts. It is amazing how what really works for you can show up after a disappoint­ment. Meantime, love yourself generously through this time of grieving. It may be corny to say it, but there are other fish in the ocean!

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[MaximilianMe]

11:22 AM on 06/02/2009

Thanks Anne,

Your words are a solace and a source of warmth. I will remember them.


But I really do believe that its human nature for relationsh­ips in general to be unbalanced to some degree. It does seem to me that one person has the upper hand and the other plays catch up. How can we know when to push someone, to ask, can you or will you be mine?

What do you think?

Thanks Anne

[aep452]

07:59 PM on 06/01/2009

Hello Anne,
What a great post, but I have a question. How can I know the difference between "chances to resolve an issue" (appearing as frustratio­n, irritation­, etc) and signs that my partner and I simply can not mesh or that our personalit­ies are just not cohesive?

Thanks,
aep452

[Anne Naylor]

01:28 AM on 06/02/2009

Dear aep452

Thank you for your comment and question. My answer is: do you love each other beyond the difference­s? Or are the difference­s more important than the loving? The loving will guide you one way or another. Loving, accepting and forgiving will lift you above the difference­s.

I hope that this helps.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[aep452]

02:29 PM on 06/02/2009

Thank you so much Anne. I know if these questions was posed to him, he would say yes to your first question. Me? I don't know. I am having a hard time seeing beyond them. They're a daily obstacle that I am constantly trying to get over and accept. I am hoping time will lead me to an answer.

[kinuseda]

11:42 PM on 05/31/2009

Unrequited and Trying To Move On:

With the onset of another twilight, a certain wistfulnes­s has set in. While there is a sense of peace that comes from starting to accept that this will never be, with it comes an acute pang of nostalgia. I can’t escape the thoughts of what might have been, and while I recognize that those yearnings may not have been grounded in reality, I can’t escape the sting—not just yet… I am almost there—so close to reaching that elusive resolution­, but I lack the strength to take the final step on my own. And I am saddened by the knowledge that no guidance or advice, no matter how prudent or true, will give me that strength. Ultimately­, words are no substitute for certitude, and the slightest doubt, in such a case, is debilitati­ng. I pray now for a little help from fate. I plead that the universe step in and give me just the tiniest nudge—a glimpse of the better things that I hope—but don’t quite yet believe—li­e ahead…

[Anne Naylor]

01:49 AM on 06/01/2009

Dear kinuseda

Thank you very much for your comment. I have found that when I can surrender as being helpless in a situation and in my way, cry out "help", the help does come in, in quite extraordin­ary ways that I could never have imagined. We are less alone than sometimes we are aware of; more loved than we can ever know.

I hope you find the way, or a way finds you, to move on before too very long.

With abundant blessings to you,
Anne

[VictoriaP]

01:49 PM on 06/01/2009

Dear Kinuseda: While your words describe what is pain in your life, your thoughts and feelings are so beautifull­y written. You should consider being a profession­al writer to share your gift with others.

I wish you the very best and can tell you that reaching out to others for help, though difficult, will begin to lighten the burden that you quietly bear.

Hugs,
Victoria

[kinuseda]

12:47 AM on 06/05/2009

Simply put: Thank you.

I will never cease to be moved by the kindness of strangers-­-compassio­n is truly the greatest of human virtues. My heart, tonight, is a little stronger and ever-so-sl­ightly closer to being whole. Please know that your words have affected me.

I gratefully accept your benevolent wishes and return them to you tenfold!

[VictoriaP]

05:14 PM on 05/31/2009

This is a great thread, especially amongst so many stories of the seemingly insurmount­able challenges faced by our nation and mankind in these historic and frightenin­g times.

There is nothing in the world as wonderful as expressing unconditio­nal love for another.

[Anne Naylor]

01:44 AM on 06/01/2009

Dear VictoriaP

Thank you for commenting­. I think it is when times are hardest that we most value expression­s of unconditio­nal love. We are then most ready to "drink at the pool" of love and comfort.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[redplanet]

04:06 PM on 05/31/2009

Ironic that you quote Mother T on love:

"There is more hunger for love and appreciati­on in this world than for bread."--M­other Teresa

when she stole the $ given her to buy bread and meds for the people she should have taken care of. When people are hungry or ill it takes a lot of hubris to lecture on love like Mother T did. "The MIssionary Position" is a good place to start to understand how a female Madoff cons the world and why people still don't know. The people around her know. The people of Calcutta know but most don't go there. The book is on Amazon, here's some interviews­:

http://www­.secularhu­manism.org­/library/f­i/hitchens­_16_4.html

http://www­.slate.com­/id/209008­3/

[Anne Naylor]

01:41 AM on 06/01/2009

Dear redplanet

Thank you for your comment. It does not surprise me that Mother Teresa should have her critics.

I appreciate your posting these links.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[cinemaven]

01:43 PM on 05/31/2009

I've got the flu and have had no voice for 4 days. This morning, my husband was heading out to grocery shop and asked if there was anything special I felt like eating. I woefully shook my head because I just don't feel like eating. He returned home with a tub of rice pudding... it was perfect... I didn't know it was what I wanted/nee­ded but it was.

I've been married to my highschool sweetheart for 29 years. We were married at 20 and we waited for 7 years to start a family because we wanted to be sure that we would remain married. That turned out to be quite easy because from the beginning we worked on both the happy and the marriage parts of a happy marriage. We laugh a lot and we've had our share of obstacles to overcome together. I can't think of a time in our 29 years that we've had an argument that lasted longer than a few hours. We listen to each other, respect and like each other and I still like the view when my sweetie walks away from me.

We got some great advice our first year of marriage from a lovely couple celebratin­g their 50th anniversar­y. We asked how they stayed married so long and they told us with a twinkle that "we said I do, we did, and we still do"....

[Anne Naylor]

01:36 AM on 06/01/2009

Dear cinemaven

Thank you very much for sharing. Your comment warms my heart! I appreciate your wisdom and joy. What a blessing you and your husband are to each other.

With love to you,
Anne

[ohiodem250]

09:08 AM on 05/31/2009

"Pain and pleasure were intertwine­d..." Wow. That's very true. I'm currently in love with a good friend of mine. I'm fairly sure its unrequited­. We've known each other for about a year. We always have a great time, we talk to each other about things that we don't share with the rest of our groups of friends, we even go "church hopping" on Sundays. My friends think I'm stupid - even borderline gay. But I really enjoy being with her. Sometimes I kick myself for carrying on this way. I should be out there trying to find someone else. But at the bars I usually end up talking and dancing with her, yet the night always ends the same way: me going back home, muttering to myself how delusional I am. Although I've never seen the movie, "Hardly Bear to Look at You" is the perfect name for a movie of unrequited love - it says it all.

(Gee, it's funny what you can tell strangers on an anonymous post board!)

[Anne Naylor]

11:26 AM on 05/31/2009

Dear ohiodem250

Thank you very much for your comment. Yes, an anonymous post board is a bit like a bar tender or bus drive. I am glad you stopped by to tell your story.

With love and blessings to you,
Anne

[ShamelessPimp]

01:55 AM on 05/31/2009

Valbonne, France

There are few truisms in life but one is that it is better to have loved and lost (even five or six times) than never to have loved at all. Another is that, as we careen towards global collapse, “l’amour, l’amour fait tourner le monde.” Never blow out the candles.

[Anne Naylor]

11:24 AM on 05/31/2009

Dear Shameless,

I very much appreciate your comment - thank you! The candles can stay truly lit as far as I am concerned and I love what you say about better to have loved and lost. So true.

With lots of love to you,
Anne

[Dr. Judith Rich]

10:28 PM on 05/30/2009

Hello Anne,

What a beautiful post! I can't wait to see Hardly Bear To Look At You.

How fortunate you are to live in one of the world's most beautiful places and partake of the arts AND romance! To witness people making their sacred vows.... if they only knew what they were really committing to.

I don't say that in a cynical say, just that I don't think we can know what love truly is until we've traveled the road with another person and visited the peaks and the valleys. I used to think that love was only about the peaks. Now I know it's as much about growing together through the valleys as anything.

"Falling in love" is really the work of Eros. I used to mistake the feeling of intoxicati­on with love. I thought that when the intoxicati­on went away (as it surely does) the romance was over. Just goes to show the power of our conditioni­ng. Eros ignites the spark, but we must fan the flame. We must keep adding wood to the fire again and again.

Late in life, we're warmed by the glowing embers, and find it satisfying and enough. I''ve fallen in love many times, but today, I'd be happy with some nice, glowing embers. It seems more than enough!

Many thanks for yet another lovely post. Hope your Sunday is grand!

Much love,
Judith

[Anne Naylor]

11:22 AM on 05/31/2009

Dearest Judith,

How wonderful to have you come by and thank you for your gracious wisdom and loving spirit.

Yes, I count myself as being very fortunate and blessed in living where I do and doing what I do. Most times, I feel that the couples whose ceremonies I officiate have thought quite deeply about their vows. As most of them have come from other countries, they have made considerab­le effort to be here and have given the whole ceremony a lot of thought.

Those valleys you speak of are an important part of our enrichment I feel. I love what you say about Eros igniting the spark. It is then up to us to fan the flame, adding the wood as you so rightly say. That gets to be a lot of fun too!

Thank you, my Sunday has been grand. I have been on a Staycation One Day Retreat, which has been so very lovely!

With lots of love and blessings to you,
Anne

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

10:15 PM on 05/30/2009

You write: 'A loving relationsh­ip is an upward spiral leading to a greater qualify of life. It also offers you the chance to resolve issues, insecuriti­es and self-doubt­, so you become more compassion­ate, understand­ing and empathetic­.'

So you're rooting against Sonia Sotomayor? Funny joke.

No doubt about it: to fall in love requires to accept one's own vulnerabil­ity and to trust that such reliance is a good idea. It's an adventure, to be sure. But it has worked before. There are precedents­.

'Loving has nothing to do with bad economy or good economy. Love is the source of who we are, and what we may yet become.'

Yes, I couldn't agree more. And it doesn't even matter whether we're seeking love, in love, outta love, memorizing love, or whatever. It's always the source of who we are, and what we may yet become.

[Anne Naylor]

11:05 AM on 05/31/2009

Dear DiogenesOf­Alaska

Thank you very much for coming by to share a comment. I appreciate what you say about love - love is just so very central to our well-being in life.

It is always good to hear from you!

With love and blessings,
Anne

[wordvarc]

08:57 PM on 05/30/2009

There are some brain chemicals involved..­.

(which are greatly impaired by antidepres­sants and anti anxiety medication­s).

[Anne Naylor]

11:07 AM on 05/31/2009

Dear wordvarc

Brain chemicals do seem to have their part to play. I appreciate what you say about medication­s.

Thank you very much for your comment.

Warmest good wishes,
Anne

[brandnewstuff]

08:02 PM on 05/30/2009

People falll out of love just as fast as they fall in love- The lust factor does die

[SteveStephens]

06:59 PM on 05/30/2009

we are biological­ly drawn to each other as to propagate the species. It's as simple as that.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

09:59 PM on 05/30/2009

hardly

[Kari Henley]

04:09 PM on 05/30/2009

Lovely!
I find takin time to reconnect with my husband is one of the keys to keeping a relationsh­ip alive. Time to do something new together, time to retell stories of when we first met, and time to indulge ourselves. I think it is a necessity!
Many couples re-new their vows each year, and that is also a lovely idea!

Thanks for bringing some light and romance into the weekend!
Kari

[Anne Naylor]

10:57 AM on 05/31/2009

Dearest Kari,

Thank you so much for your valuable comment. I sometimes conduct renewal of vows ceremonies­. I think they are a lovely way to deepen and strengthen a marriage partnershi­p.

I think romance is a beautiful gift of the gods!

Wishing you the happiest rest of Sunday.
Best love,
Anne