On the heels of reports that watching television or spending time on the computer can decrease your life expectancy, science has made a ground-breaking report that just one hour of reading can take as much as 59 minutes off of your life. Medical doctors at the NCBVGETVV (National Center for the Betterment of Video Game Engagement & Television Viewership) have proven staying in a seated position with a book, especially those novels whose page count totals more than 300, can cause hypertension, diabetes, chronic back problems and irritable bowel syndrome.
Science worries about your children -- WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?, science says. Preeminent scholars in the study suggest getting your offspring to engage in more active seated hobbies -- such as playing video games or learning the oboe, which encourage children to move about in their chair, often burning calories and elevating the heart rate. If you must give your progeny a book, dignified specialists suggest at least giving them an audio book, which will keep their hands free to do other things, like the occasional push-up, or again, the oboe.
Shocked by these findings, many esteemed journalists asked the esteemed doctors, "How can this be so? We are always told reading books are good for us; as journalists, we've based our lives on reading." One PhD in a crisp lab coat stated:
"Hellooooo, think about it people, back in the 1800s when humans didn't have television, they were dying out at a rapid clip -- as early as their 30's or 40's. TOTAL MUSCULAR ATROPHY. People would sit around the drawing room after dinner and read to each other FOR HOURS. It was disgusting, they were just asking to perish so they could get through a few more tawdry pages of D.S. Lawrence before bed."
Another Doctor of Science elaborated: "Books don't have commercial breaks, there is no time to get up and move about, to refill your cola or get another handful of cookies." He continued, "It's not just about the readers, think of the damn writers. For the love of man, THINK OF THE WRITERS." Rimbaud, 37, DEAD. The Bronte sisters, 30 years old, DEAD. Keats, 25, you guessed it -- DEAD. The NCBVGETVV recalls a study done in 1903 by a progressive medical practitioner that suggested long hours in front of your typewriter could cause flatulence, syphilis and the pox. Dismissed in his day, this young, rebellious doctor is now being looked back on as a beacon of sensibility that paved the ways for today's critical findings.
Jon Ossoff: Do as Quebecers Do: Read a Book
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