07/14/2010 10:12 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

At Long Last, 'The Hills' Ends -- May All Those Starlets Return to the Recesses of Society From Whence They Came!

If anything, the series finale of scripted-reality sensation The Hills further confirmed that while Brody Jenner is a douchebag, I want to have sex with him. Oh and also? This show was a lot more scripted and structured than many may have realized, myself included.

Truth be told, The Hills should have ended when Lauren Conrad left the show, and it came as no surprise that the series finale felt rather anti-climactic. A bigger surprise however, was that ending - after 20 minutes or so of staged goodbyes, an acoustic version of Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten," and a delightful montage of memories stemming all the way back to some cast members' Laguna Beach days, Kristin Cavallari gave Brody Jenner a tearful hug goodbye before she left for Europe (where in Europe? Don't worry about it. Just Europe. The whole country) and the Hollywood backgdrop rolled away to reveal a studio lot, cameras, crews, and a blaring reminder that this show is no more real than most of Heidi Montag's body. The unexpected ending also proved to audiences that the people behind The Hills are a little more self-aware than we've been led to believe. Was that ending meta? Was it an attempt to admit the extent that the show is a product of scripted storylines? Do I really care? I can at least answer that last question with a resounding no.

On a side note, the trailer for Eat, Pray, Love makes me regret every negative word I've ever uttered toward the book... that I haven't read. But yeah, that movie looks awesome. That trailer? Delightful. Well-done. A cinematic masterpiece in under a minute. It's really brutal going from that back to The Hills. There's a serious quality discrepancy going on.

Look, there's a lot more I could write about this closing episode. I could mention how Lo drops "like" every other sentence but appears to be 23-going-on-a-30-something-housewife. Or how I'm pretty sure lifeguard tower #24 is actually in Venice, not Hermosa Beach, but Audrina is probably too dead behind the eyes to remember that she's supposedly living in this model home. And Steph, poor Steph, well, the girl never quite figured out how to make her hair and make-up look quite as nice as the others. An A for effort, sweetie! And finally, much like the average show gracing the airwaves today, this episode culminated with closure for the central romantic couple, even though I don't care much about Kristin or Brody. I am somewhat curious to know what Stacie the Bartender is up to. Think she's still working at The Dime? But I found the finale, minus the surprise twist ending, miserable, and I'm too exhausted by its supreme inanity to comment further.

The truth in all of this is that lives were made (see: Lauren, Whitney Port), lives were ruined (see: Speidi) but the real fallout was on America. The Hills changed the development and understanding of reality TV, changed the meaning and presentation of this genre as a whole, and set the course for more like-minded spectacles on television networks the country-over. It's the show I've loved to hate, but feel nothing but relief that it's finally ended its tenure. May all those starlets fall back into the recesses of an unexamined, camera-free existence.

P.S. Hey Brody - when your bizarre relationship with Avril Lavigne comes to an end, call me.