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Crystals and Bellinis, a Weird Metaphor for The Hills?

07/05/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The second episode of this final season of The Hills was... well... it was weird.

Apparently Spencer Pratt is a spiritual ambassador for the mythical island Atlantis. Or something. Truth be told, I have no idea what exactly happened to this former fratastic LA bro, besides the fact that he does appear to be legitimately insane - and his one fake friend (didn't catch his name so we'll call him Shaggy Bro) agrees, telling Spencer, "You're crazy. You lost it." Yes, Shaggy Bro - you are correct, the crystals (really Spencer, you're into crystals now?) aren't working and it looks like we're maybe three episodes away from a full-fledged meltdown (if that many).

I used to fast-forward through the Heidi-Spencer scenes on The Hills, as they have always been, in my opinion, the least interesting and most offensive aspect of the show. However, now I find that I am unable to tear my eyes away from this trainwreck, even though I must constantly remind myself that Heidi Montag 3.0 is permanent change (thank goodness we didn't have to watch her attempt to cry again).

Of all the cast, Kristin Cavallari wins the award for "Most Real" (at least in this episode). She owns her slutty, hard-partying bitch role with serious devotion, unlike Stephanie Pratt who seems to waver between self-righteous good girl, victim, and catty mean girl. Perhaps that is because, as Kristin accuses to her face, Stephanie Pratt is two-faced.

However, I can't help but have sympathy for the younger Pratt when her attempt to converse with her brother at Kristin's party was met with genuine psychosis. Again, let me quote Shaggy Bro: Spencer, I don't think the crystals are working. But when did Spencer turn into a wannabe New Age Shaman referring to other people as civilians? I realize I missed last season but this all seems out of left field, and very, very bizarre.

Speaking of bizarre, the entire episode (and perhaps the show) could probably be summed up in that one extended close-up hold on Spencer's crystal next to a champagne flute containing a Bellini. Things have gotten really weird on The Hills, and the show, much like that saccharine drink, was a lot more "in" three seasons ago.