You could call me crazy and weird and bossy and nerdy and neurotic and definitely adorkable (thanks for mainstreaming my jam, New Girl marketing team) but one thing I am not is bitchy. So indulge me while I get bitched at and bitched out and then totally betchified by "The Head Betches" of the hit website Betches Love This.
On Etiquette -
Stamos: Can you wear an ivory-colored dress to a rehearsal dinner or is white off-limits all wedding weekend?
Betches: We don't care.
Stamos: When, if ever, is it appropriate to use emoticons in text messages?
Betches: It's appropriate when you say something really, really mean, and then you can add a smiley face and they'll think you are being sarcastic. You are not.
On Health & Beauty -
Stamos: People are really into cleansing right now. Should I try a cleanse? Which one?
Betches: Try the no eating cleanse. It's truly effective. Just ask former Betch of the Week Mary Kate Olsen.
Stamos: Sometimes I leave the house with wet hair, does this mean I am bad at being a girl?
Betches: Unless you look like Whoopi Goldberg when it dries, it's fine.
Stamos: I wear my retainers every night unless I can't fall asleep, and then I might take them out to shake things up a bit.
Betches: We've never been so speechless, and that's f---ing huge for us.
Stamos: I think my dream date is a trip to the aquarium!
Betches: Well where was your first date? Olive Garden? Dream bigger.
On Fashion -
Stamos: 90s Lesbian Fashion seems to be really IN again. Should I get in on this trend?
Betches: As long as you're not a 90s lesbian. See Miranda Hobbes on how this look can go too far.
On Holidays -
Stamos: I have no idea what to be for Halloween this year. I need costume ideas!
Betches: Moderately slutty Sasha Obama, Jenelle from Teen Mom a la True Blood, or Chaz Bono. You could even dress like a slut for this last one and still no one would be attracted to you.
On Overall Betchiness -
Stamos: I want to put stickers all over my face sometimes. Like, unicorn stickers.
Betches: If you hadn't told us that we might have been able to be friends.
Stamos: I wish I lived on a boat-themed boat!
Betches: We're going to have to point out the obvious here; your celeb idol growing up was definitely Lisa Frank. That said, Uncle Jesse, you need to calm down. You should wish for a yacht, not a boat-themed boat. What does that even mean? We blame the hick who took you on your first date for oily breadsticks.
Stamos: How am I doing?
Betches: You're heading in the right direction by contacting us. Admitting you're a nice girl is the first step. Now you just need to take a bath in like, nice girl sanitizer. But everyone has a little betch in them, so keep working at it.
True Confession: I don't know if I can really maintain this whole betch thing -- it seems scary and exhausting. But I think we can all agree that these girls not only have the stamina for it, but they were meant to be betches. If you enjoy their particular brand of sass or want to get some betch lessons of your own, check them out at Betches Love This.
As for me, I'll just put unicorn stickers on my face in private from now on.
Follow Annie Stamell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/stamos