05/12/2010 06:15 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What is Wrong with Heidi Montag?

Remember that movie Enough? You know, the one where Jennifer Lopez goes apeshit on her abusive husband, played by that dude who looks a lot like the dude who played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ but isn't that dude? Well, we're three episodes into The Hills now, and I'm just waiting for Heidi to go all J. Lo on Spencer, Enough style. I will reiterate: that dude is off his rocker. (Heidi: rent Enough. It sucks, but you may take away some valuable ideas as to how to deal with your husband). Furthermore, we're now watching the dénouement of a shoddy marriage and the speedy transformation of that relationship into something incredibly abusive and generally not okay. And again: Spencer is insane.

Oddly enough, the social event at the center of this episode was a 7-year-old's birthday party. These people are allowed to be around children? Spencer "I'm Insane" Pratt is allowed to be in the presence of kids? Hey, quick heads up about that Pratt guy - he's probably going to talk about people he'd like to murder and then threaten his mother-in-law after referring to her as "only a vagina," on top of a whole slew of equally offensive remarks. So, like, what's the catch here? Did Enzo (the birthday boy) "win" some sort of prize to appear on this show? Or is it part of Heidi's new community outreach or something? And an elephant, really?

I'm starting to wonder if Spencer really is a witch or something. I mean, I am pretty sure we watched him put a curse on Heidi's terrified older sister Holly as she crumbled in fear (and rightly so) when faced with Spencer's insanity head-on. Shit Holly, I would be scared too (related: I am scared). I mean, is this real? Is Spencer REALLY that insane? Or is he just giving us one hell of an Emmy-worthy acting performance? But if his crazy is real, how has he not been institutionalized yet!?!

This all leads me to the million dollar question that seems to be at the center of this final season of The Hills: What the hell is wrong with Heidi? (Besides the fact she's two operations away from turning into that scary Cat Lady's twin). Does the girl understand the degree of psychosis she is dealing with? I'm guessing not, considering she spent the episode focused on her neighbor's kid's birthday party (poor Enzo) and not her lunatic spouse. That and the fact that she is also insane, and clearly trapped on Spencer's crazy train headed due south towards meltdown.

Yeah, okay there was some other stuff that happened in this episode, but all I remember is that watching Audrina and Kristin shop made me want to poke out my eyeballs.