It's the time of night in New York City when the neon lights are casting a purple pallor over the low-hanging clouds, wispy violet tendrils inching through the avenues, before another sun goes to sleep in a sleepless city. And I'm not watching it at all, because I'm watching a baby try to poop.
This must be one hell of a poop. I can see the furrowed brow of concentration and force, coupled with the scrunched cheeks and tightened fist of determination. This baby is about to accomplish something enormous, and I can't turn away.
These things have been happening lately, you see. I just find myself captivated. Whether it's a baby in a grocery store who can't stop putting the broccoli in his mouth or the little girl at the rink in a hockey jersey in her Dad's arms, smiling at me as an entire period of hockey passes by without my knowledge.
Our neighbor's 11-month old baby is the light and the joy of living in our duplex. He hugs me, and tugs on my facial scruff, and always beams when he sees me. He sat on my lap for the entirety of his first musical. We immediately steal our friends' babies and hold them until we are forced to give them back. Maybe steal is a harsh word.
If "Toys 'R Us" sells toys, then logic would follow that "Babies 'R Us"... nevermind. I already checked.
Maybe surrogacy would be easier, you might suggest. No, $80,000 is not easier than $39,000. Both are batsh*t crazy.
Real life is different than television. Couples like us are different from the couples on "Modern Family" and "The New Normal." Money has to be earned, and that is hard.
We do not have, and will not have, an extra forty grand, or eighty grand just lying around. Can we afford to have a baby right now, in terms of the costs of living and providing for a newborn? Absolutely. Do we have the time to take care of a newborn? Absolutely. Do we have jobs that allow us the paternity leave to be there as our child grows up? Yes, we do. Are we ready? Mentally, emotionally, are we ready for our entire lives to change and adjust to a new life in the house? Yes. A thousand times, yes. And because our marriage is now legally recognized at the state and federal level, nothing is standing in the way of our having a family protected to the fullest extent of the law.
Me, Dad #1. (Or maybe it'll be Pop? Daddy? Something cute our baby calls me that I can't even imagine right now?) Here's what I bring.
1.) I know every lullaby ever created. I am the best shower singer in these
United States. I have seen literally hundreds of Broadway shows and am prepared to sing that baby to sleep every single night of its life until it's thirty or I'm dead.
2.) I have been a hockey fan for 20 years. I will care too much that my son or daughter is also a Devils fan. That child's first Halloween costume will be in a hockey jersey. And there will be facepaint.
3.) Happiness and celebration matter to me. So there will be Christmas decorations and Halloween decorations and Easter decorations and the happiest of birthday parties and celebrations for good report cards and celebrations for Arbor Day because trees matter and on President's Day I might dress up as Thomas Jefferson because it will make my child laugh and all I want in this world is to have a child that is mine and to make it laugh.
4.) I don't know how to do girl's hair. I will probably never know how to
braid, but I will happily send my daughter to school with a sloppy braid, because I will try so hard. Hmm, maybe that's not my best sell. You know what, we have friends who will do her hair.
My Hubby, Dad #2 (Pop might be a better name here, he does wear old hats really well, and that feels like a "Pop" thing to do.)
1. He can cook anything, from anything, and it will be the most delicious dish you've ever eaten. I will only eat French Fries, but he will teach our child about being what other folks call "healthy and nutritious."
2. He is a teacher, and he cares more about children than I could possibly imagine.
He has dedicated his life to children, and if he works half as hard at being a dad as he does as a teacher, our child will be President. Unless we end up adopting that jerk baby we discussed earlier. Then maybe he'll just wind up in the Senate.
3. He can parallel park better than anyone I've ever met.
I feel like this is something that might not get covered in a home study for adoption, but my husband will out-parallel-park your husband eleven times out of ten. So I'm pretty sure our baby will be a great driver, and a responsible parker.
4. He is a good man. Good men make good fathers. This is a no-brainer.
So, there it is. These are among the many and varied reasons that I think we will be good parents, should be parents. Our parents can't wait to spoil a baby. This would be the first grandchild in our family, and I think you all know what that means.
There will be too many family members passing around the new baby, too many stories about what we were both like as babies ourselves. Too many toys, shiny plastic celebrations of a new beginning. And there will be embarrassing photos trotted out, like this one.
(Author's Note -- All babies pictured in the above article are otherwise spoken for, with parents who will not give them up, no matter how hard I try. I've even offered chocolate. They aren't budging.
Thanks to the parents of Baby Max, Andie Lynn and Stoli Cat for use of the adorable pictures.)
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