I can't tell you how much I relied on my girlfriends for my sanity in my twenties. During our student days at the University of Virginia (UVA), we were each other's roommates, psychiatrists, parents and siblings. We stayed up late talking about the men in our lives, mulling over what feminism meant to us and struggling with term paper deadlines. Far away from my family in Bangladesh, my friends and I became each other's families.
But something happens to our female friendships when we leave our twenties and enter our thirties. As we get older and get married, have babies, work more, work more -- and did I mention, work more? -- we also begin to talk less. Why is it when women need their girlfriends most, they stop reaching out to them? Why is it that when we stop being single and become wives and mothers, we stop talking about those relationships, especially when they are not going the way we want them to?
The whole idea for this post came about from a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine this morning in London. She called to tell me about a mutual friend of ours whose husband is struggling with depression and they can't get pregnant.
"Anushay, if you had asked me how she was doing a week ago, I would have said she has never been better," Ellie told me. "Everything seemed to be going so well with her, especially with her new job. And then I found out she has been an emotional wreck. You should call and check up on her."
Three years ago, when I was planning my own wedding, one of my oldest and best friends was there with me every step of the way. But halfway through wedding planning, my sister told me she had heard a rumor that my friend was getting divorced. I thought it was the most absurd thing, and got very angry with my sister for spreading gossip about my best friend. But when I asked my friend about it, she told me she and her husband had been separated for months, leading completely separate lives.
There is a certain shame that comes with struggling in your marriage, different from the kind you would have in other romantic relationships. As many modern, empowered women struggle with where the institution falls into their lives, many women still view getting married as an accomplishment. But married women are often the last people to tell you they are having problems, especially when it comes to their marriage. It is as though there is some kind of secret code of conduct that women feel they must follow, a book of unspoken rules they have to uphold by not admitting when they are unhappy in their marriage.
Women also start talking less about their problems when they become mothers. Up until recently, even the issue of postpartum depression was kept under wraps while millions of women struggled in silence.
Two months ago I became a new mom. As anybody will tell you, the first few weeks of motherhood are unbelievably challenging, not only because you have no idea what to do, but because physically your body has been through an unimaginable journey that it barely has time to recover from. There's the pregnancy itself, nine long months during which your body grows the baby, then there is the labor, which normally comes with its own set of complications, and before you can even muster the time to adjust to your new family, you never get any sleep and you have to be up all night feeding and changing a baby you are still getting to know.
As new parents, one night my husband and I got into a huge argument in front of my mother, who was staying with us. I literally had been awake for 72 hours straight nursing and taking care of our daughter. I was physically exhausted, recovering from a c-section, and needed help. But instead of asking for it, I chose to get into a heated fight over the remote control. When my mother came to console me, she told me that as women we have to do more, shoulder more and do it in silence. "Equality doesn't exist, Anushay," she told me. "Men just can't do as much."
I could not believe my own mother was telling me this. The woman I had learned everything about feminism from, here she was telling me to suck it up and accept things as they were! I looked at her and said I could not believe she had just said that to me. "This is going to be a blog post, mom," was my response. Maybe men just can't do as much as us, but they were going to have to step it up and try!
I went and communicated my pain and frustration to my husband. Co-parenting and sharing responsibilities as a family was something we had talked about at length way before having our baby. I had to make sure we were on the same page because frankly, and as I communicated to him, I could not do it on my own. I needed help and he had to help me. After going to him with my issues, I heard his frustrations of how I was trying to do everything, cutting him out, and not letting him assist. Having this conversation early on helped us reconnect and get back on the same page.
It also made me realize that most women do not ask for help, and other women, most often our own mothers, discourage us from asking for it. Being a mother, especially a new mother, is so physically and emotionally challenging, particularly during the first few days. Seriously, it is like being on another planet. I have no idea how women do it on their own. It is flat out unfair for women not to have all the help in the world as they embark on this role.
By admitting I was in over my head and communicating with my husband, I was able to get the support I needed to take care of my baby the best I could. I was able to get sleep, and most importantly, I was able to enjoy my baby during this undeniably precious time in our lives.
Who are we protecting when we hurt ourselves? Who benefits when we let our mental and emotional state deteriorate? No one. As women, we owe it to ourselves and our families to stop pretending and start talking, like we used to when we were younger, like we did when we were in college. Remember how much better you would feel just by telling someone your problem, by just talking about it?
Women need to complain more about their kids and their husbands, about motherhood and marriage! When we share our burdens, we discover our support systems. After all, if we can learn one thing from the 1950s it's that perfection does not exist -- nor should we want it to.
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The right word is "communicate". If you're in a marriage, your #1 person is your partner, not "friends" from college. The problem outlined by the blogger is a common one - lack of good communication. One would have hoped this sort of thing was ironed out before even trying to get pregnant! I've certainly heard from fathers who were cut out of the loop by new moms, not letting the new dad his chance to "fail and learn", and of course the moms later complain they get no help.
WIthout good communication, no relationship will last, period, end of story. OTOH, complaining just makes people defensive, it's a way to start fights and solves little. Your husband is your partner, not your boss, not your adversary that you need to score a "WIN" with on every discussion.
I've been lucky... unemployed for the first 2 years of the boys life I've had a good share of raising the boy and I am very grateful for it.
It is amusing when he's fussing about something he's never fussed about before and she asks me what we should do like there's a manual for this stuff.
It was nice to see she actually spoke to her husband as that line of communication is the first to go. Hate to say it but having a mother in the home is a bad idea-it is good she came to help but having in-laws in the home during those first weeks is a bad idea. Mine invaded our home and despite having two weeks lined up to be home/off, I returned to work after two days due to in-laws in the home for being of little help and in the way. Having in-laws in the home, as in sleeping there, is a sure way to cause problems, cause division, those first days/weeks at home with a newborn needs to be done minus in-laws. The comments by the mother were b.s. and another reason they sd. stay in a hotel. Men can and do a lot. Women such as the mother simply perputuate the myth that men can do little as it is untrue.
Right, and we also need more taxes, more crime, and more politics....
Good grief ...
... complaining is such a lousy way to communicate.
A very simple thing made complicated with unnecessary drama. And yes, I do have a wife and 2 kids, so I know of which I speak.
My post does not include postpartum depression. It's a response to the author's self-imposed frustration at a situation she basically created herself. Her husband did exactly the same thing, until it all came out in a useless fight about nothing. The author admitted that the fight was not about the real issue, so yes, it is by definitition, unnecessary drama.
When my wife was doing the same thing as the author, I offered help that was refused. When it got to be too much for her and she blew up, I simply reminded her of the numerous time I offered help. After that, my help was accepted. I understand that post pregnancy can be rough, so as men we have to keep a level head and do what needs to be done, not hide in a corner upset that our wives are shutting us out. That's a cop out!
A common theme, it seems. Mother are often positive they know it all, or that it has to be done their way, or insecure, so that anything the father does is wrong and he ends up walking on egg shells or giving up altogether.
Believe it or not ladies, we men can be good parents too, even if we do things differently.
Luckily she knows this and I feel really good when she tells me how much she's learned about parenting from me. I seem to have a good feel for what it takes to coax our son into doing what we want without a lot of struggle.
It is also cool the when she tells me that the thing I've been doing with him for the past 2 weeks because my gut told me he was ready, is the thing recommended to try in the articles she reads or gets.
Your wife sounds awesome! Take good care of her, she's a keeper.
I have, though, talked to several other dads who also report their wives being upset over trivial things, or getting jealous if the father is too good with the children.
I think society puts so much pressure on women to be perfect moms that if they feel any challenge or threat at all to that aspect of their lives, they react by pushing away/downplaying the fathers and trying to do it all themselves. Then they get exhausted and things start going downhill.
Just last night I was talking with a good friend via Skype, who is currently teaching in Chile, about how I still find it hard to balance time with my fiance, which I love, and finding a job since grad. school as well as planning a wedding and a lifetime of marriage, while still finding that time to talk with or spend time with my girlfriends. I never seem to feel like I spend enough time with my girlfriends...And it's something that I realize becomes increasingly important to my well being. They understand me, and I'm so comfortable expressing parts of myself with my girlfriends that I might otherwise only share with myself, through my journal.
Thank you for the reminder of how important it is to ask for help, to talk openly about our problems, and to nurture our friendships.
As far as the mother....I don't know what she was talking about. LOL
Of course in modern society, many fathers are very involved with and deeply love their children, so this is an area where we have evolved. If enough fathers take enough responsibility in the early years, as happens with this feminist younger generation, then men will be seen as more equal parents - as we see in the feminist societies of Europe.
Men who gloat on the one hand about being able to father children into their nineties (demonstrating paternal irrelevance), and who claim men have no responsibility for birth control, and who cede most of the early childhood responsibilities to mothers while disrespecting their massive contribution, can not turn around when convenient and demand "rights" to children. Children aren't property. Their love is earned like any other love. There's a reason mother's love is held up as the gold standard of unconditional love. Fathers who mirror that kind of love for their families rarely have to worry about court rulings or "rights" being granted by the law.
"Men who gloat on the one hand about being able to father children into their nineties (demonstraÂting paternal irrelevancÂe), and who claim men have no responsibiÂlity for birth control, and who cede most of the early childhood responsibiÂlities to mothers while disrespectÂing their massive contributiÂon, can not turn around when convenient and demand "rights" to children. "
Your comment makes little sense. You are trying to invalidate the fight for male parental rights based on a admission of biological fact and the negative tendencies of men who actually don't want a major role in their children's lives. Neither carry any validity other than the emotional impact on those simple minded people excited by generalized of male bashing. Children are no property but the courts are deciding where they go and who pays. The default judgement should be joint custody. The mother's love may be the gold standard but that does not stop her from abusing it by engaging in parental alienation.
Both parents are necessary partners. A child can be raised by either alone.
I'll tell you one significant difference between the my wife's and my relationship with our son. She is much more likely to intervene thank just let him figure something out or try something. This has given the boy a lot more opportunities to learn about his world. I would never tell P how to handle him when she's in charge, and she trusts me... but the boy benefits strongly from both bonds.
Like you, my own experience of the college years was one of getting to know extraordinary women. Unlike you, these women remained a mainstay in my life for 2 decades or more, in part because many of us were single for many years, or older mothers, and even through both experiences, we made a point of continuing to stay in touch. Where we began to fall apart was when "success" in the many ways we define it (promotions, publications, marriages, children) started to hit the inevitable glitches that many of us face in our 40s and 50s.
Divorces, layoffs, illnesses, family problems. We distance ourselves rather than admit "imperfection" when we should be reaching out and reconnecting, as you point out. I believe we do so in part due to cultural indoctrination, uncomfortable with expressing the truth of our lives. Part of that truth is reinvention - through hardship, and with the help of good men and women who will be of service if we ask.
And there's the key that you mention: if we ask.
I don't believe this is a "feminist" issue so much as a cultural one. As for new motherhood - it's exhausting and wondrous. Just wait. It grows more exhausting - and more wondrous still.