Two recent surveys found that women today are considerably less happy than they were 40 years ago (Men, incidentally, are happier). Why? As The New York Times reported, "what seems to be the most likely explanation for the happiness trends is that women now have a much longer to-do list than they once did...They can't possibly get it all done, and many end up feeling as if they are somehow falling short."
Amen. With the weight of our feminist forbears on one side and the family-values camp on the other, women are under unprecedented pressure to perform on all fronts. It seems we almost have to "do it all." For me, admitting that I simply can't do it all somehow feels blasphemous -- like a slap in the face to the women who fought so hard to get us here or even worse a slight to the children I brought into this world. To say "no" in this environment is to choose between lack of ambition or lack of maternal instinct.
But the truth is that we must say, "no." We have come a long way since the feminist revolution, but these studies make clear that we are only half-way there. Until our society comes to terms with women's changing roles, the revolution will continue to be more about additional responsibility than it is about equality. And, that's a shame.
It is time that our public institutions, our spouses and our employers rise to the challenge and confront these issues forthright. More to the point, it is time for us to stop letting them off-the-hook by trying to "do it all."
To be sure, this will not be easy. The notion of "doing it all" is seductive. It affords us the possibility of fulfilling our most romantic visions of motherhood while also achieving the more tangible rewards of career. And, honestly, sometimes it seems that we have no alternative. Should we give up our professions and return to pre-Betty Friedan domesticity? Or stop taking the lead on childcare and hope for the best?
But, we do have an option -- the option to call these ridiculous expectations what they are. It is possible and it is urgent. After refusing to give up her seat on the bus, Rosa Parks remarked "The only tired I was, was tired of giving in." Aren't we tired, ladies?
By buying into the paradigm, we help perpetuate these absurd expectations and ultimately deny ourselves the support that we deserve and our society needs. We must admit that our own grueling efforts to live-up to outsized societal images have made these standards seem reasonable. Moreover, our attempts to make this untenable balancing act work helps to facilitate apathy in the workplace, on the home front and in our public institutions.
The truth is, despite the illusion, women are not getting it all done and real needs remain unmet. For all our progress, too many women continue to lose their jobs and forgo promotions. Too many children have to suffer inadequate childcare. Too many companies lose out on our country's best talent. Too many women are falling apart at the seams. The future of our society depends on how we address these issues. It's time to speak-up.
Rosa Parks sparked a revolution by her willingness to admit that she wanted a seat. It's time that women admit that we want some help.
Help, now that's something to be happy about.
I remember as a young woman I always wished I could have a husband, who took care of the household and support me in every way, while I was pursuing my career. Of course that never happened, in part, because that was not the kind of man I fell in love with.
Looking back at my life, I have to say we women are our worst enemies. We buy into every suggestion of the corporations, greedy to exploit us. We spend billions on clothes, cosmetics, plastic surgery, hairdresser, exercise, diets, nails, shoes, perfumes, etc. to catch a man, who will drop us in a second for a younger version.
We seem to be blind to the fact that most marriages fail in one way or the other. Like blind idiots, we believe that ours would be different. We omit to look at reality and see that nowadays most elder women are single. But most women still concentrate more on a big wedding and a happy marriage than on managing their own life.
Having said all this. The other reality is that the ones who are having plenty of children are illegal immigrants and poor people. Both women and men have to wake up to reality and find new ways to make partnership and parenthood work.
Unfortunately, there is plenty of proof that in our egocentric society nobody cares about the future anymore. When I was a teenager one of my favorite books was “Brave, New World†from Aldous Huxley. We are stone throw away from that society.
the fundamental paradigm at work seems to be immediately giving up ones self to husband, kids, work, external pressures, and how to choose among them, as if making that choice is enough to make us whole. it's not. caring for ones self will rarely take the form of any of these activities, but is the most important choice a woman can make.
it is not "selfish," "narcissistic," "short-sighted" or otherwise self-indulgent to take an hour or two of every day and dedicate it to checking in with and caring for self. au contraire. it is the most important thing one can do for ones self, for ones children and for all the others depending on us.
we do not cease to be separate, valuable and precious individuals just because we become part of a larger family/society/etc. and if more women genuinely cared for themselves, material consumption would drop, and road rage, impatience, co-dependence and addiction, depression and myriad other contemporary problems would greatly decrease.
the capitalist pyramid scheme does not want us to realize this, and will distract and divert us, but you all know their words are lies...
Women have made enormous strides in equality. As the piece points out, we now have a wider field of responsibility as a result. It's time for the parallel movement toward equality for men. Some of the reader comments said men can't be mothers. True, they can't give birth or breastfeed. After that, they can do every single other thing just as well as women.
Until society is willing to accept men in traditionally female roles (PTA president, after school at-home parent, primary childcare provider in infancy, housecleaner, family cook, etc.), it will be difficult to share burdens equally.
In our family, my husband has his office at home. He's home after school. Mothers continue to call me at my office (outside the home) to set up playdates for our children. I call my husband and have him arrange the details. Clearly there are people who can't see him in that traditionally "mom" role.
I like the idea of saying "no." I think men have to say no and women have to say no and families have to say no together before we're going to have a balance of responsibility and of happiness.
I don't get that thought at all. I've often wondered if women have it so rough why do they choose to get married and then burden themselves further with children. The idea that they view motherhood as romantic never occurred to me. HOW and WHY did that thought evolve?
De facto, as the women’s movement evolves, Mellody writes “the revolution will continue to be more about additional responsibility rather than it is about equality.†These concepts are not mutually exclusive, additional responsibility can and does promote the agenda of equality. However, it is not a causal relationship, nor does it reflect a positive correlation. In fact, the more responsibilities placed upon women, the more submissive we feel. The choices became the list.
So how did this happen and why am I a party to it? Mellody writes, “The notion of doing it all is seductive.†It is; but at what cost? Do I want my life for my daughter? No, and the clarity I have looking forward is my motivation to join this dialogue in speaking out against those who are perpetuating these “absurd expectations†– and often it is me.
Belive it or not he is not you and does things differently but he gets them done in his own way and own his own schudle.
You may not like how he does it but bit your lip. He deserves the same respect you get for doing things for the family. Too often women feel they need to control the household but what they really need to do is make everyone in the house, who is able, take responsiblility for the household too. This will focus the whole family on THE FAMILY and not place everything one person.
We love you ladies but you can be control freaks.
google "real women don't do housework" and check out aroundherfinger.com
I'm telling ya, it really works!
There is lots of information out there about female led relationships, some are quite tacky and overly "fetishy" or whatever, but not all of them are. Lots of them are informative and present sensible alternatives to the standard gender roles.
good luck!
in a non-stop 24/7 consumer hell where you're only about a month, on average income-wise from
being out in the street?
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That's so true. Our culture offers what appears to be an endless smorgasbord of opportunities and options. And so we come to the cornucopian table and eat until we're sick, and then eat some more.
Of course this creates MASSIVE unhappiness. Mindless over-indulgence - whether in food, booze or even dreams and desires - always does.
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Karen Maezen Miller: But do we know what that [happiness] requires? Living differently. We can demand that others change to make our lives different, but we cannot wait. We have to change ourselves. That is the only poweer.
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Exactly so. Well said.
Part of living differently - the part that too many seem to forget - is that living differently begins with shifting the locus of our listening.
The voice "out there" are not going to shut up anytime soon. Crusading against them has some - but very limited - value. And the downside of the crusade is that it actually makes those voices seem more powerful than they are.
People think you should be a perect size 4? Fuck 'em.
That you should/shouldn't breastfeed your baby in public/private? Fuck 'em.
That you should/shouldn't be a stay home/working mommy? Fuck 'em.
That you should live in a McMansion, own a condo in Manhattan, drive a beemer?
Fuck 'em all.
Tough language - deliberately so. Until we decide that the voices "out there" really don't count, we're going to be in thrall to them.
And that is the biggest part of the problem - and also the direction to look for in terms of solving the problem.
There really is a "still small voice" within - and our capacity to hear it can be cultivated. Only when we do that kind of cultivation, and learn to respond to that inner wisdom, does the road to happiness open up.