Mourning My Brother and an Unjust War

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On February 20, 2007 , my brother, Sgt. Brian Rand, shot himself on the banks of the Cumberland River near Fort Campbell, Kentucky. He was 26 years old, just back from Iraq, and about to become a father.

Last Memorial day my family and I mourned my brother, quietly and alone.

This will be the second Memorial Day since Brian's death. I have a Memorial Tattoo event planned at my business, Alien Art Studio located outside Camp LeJeune Marine Corps base main gate, in North Carolina. I will be spending the day with Iraq war veterans, active duty soldiers, Iraq Veterans Against War members, and military families, honoring the memory of those killed in this war -- both the 4,080 killed in combat and the many more, as yet uncounted, who died because they couldn't live with the horrors they had witnessed.

We need this event to join together and to heal together. At this event I will be presenting the rose that I plucked from my brother's grave site one year, three months, and six days earlier, to the Iraq Veterans Against War Washington D.C. chapter. You'd never know it by looking at the rose now, but it used to be colorful and full of life.

Brian was one of more than a hundred active duty soldiers to commit suicide last year. The Veterans Administration now admits that 1,000 veterans are attempting suicide every month. The Army is trying to blame these deaths on personal problems and failed relationships. Earlier this year, their top suicide expert, Col. Elspeth Ritchie, even put some of the blame on military families, telling a reporter that "Families are getting tired. Therefore, sometimes they're more irritable, sometimes they don't take care of each other the way they should, are not as nurturing as they should be."

But the families who Col. Ritchie wants to blame for the rising suicide rate are the very families that built our soldiers strong. It was the families that took great pride in their boys and girls for the entirety of the soldiers' lives. These people were strong, loving, American families long before they even became a soldier. It was the war experience that broke them down. Our sons, daughters, brothers, and sisters wouldn't have killed themselves without the sadness and trauma stemming from this unjust war.

During his first deployment to Iraq , Brian started having recurring dreams about an Iraqi man he killed. He told me "I saw him standing over me when I was in bed. He's mad at me. He looks like an angry shadow. I think he's been following me around." I talked my brother to sleep every night for the rest of that deployment.

Speaking in a very quiet voice, careful not to make any sudden noises, I would tell him "The grass is still green over here. The sky is still blue. Just close your eyes and picture the lawn that we laid on staring up at that sky. And it's still there. When you get back, when your job is done, when you do everything that they ask you to do, come back to me and we'll lay on the grass and we'll stare at the sky and we don't have to talk about anything. Just simply exist." I gave Brian my love often by giving him my undivided attention and reassuring him that the family and I are so proud. I couldn't wait until we could lay on the grass together.

But we never got to do that. By the time Brian got home from Iraq, he was being haunted night and day. His moods began to swing from one extreme, to the other without warning. He went to an Army psychologist for an examination in which he showed all the worst symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But instead of giving him treatment, the Army ordered him back to Iraq three days after the exam. Brian called his family the night before being sent back to Iraq. He sounded subdued, like he was in a cold, robotic calm. He said that he had no choice. I begged Brian pathetically to bring the psychological exam papers to the commander of his unit. He informed me, "That is not an option."

In Iraq, Brian's PTSD kept getting worse. Lost in a delusion, he stabbed one of his fellow soldiers and got sent back to Fort Campbell. But he still never got the help he needed. There are a lot of 'should haves' and 'could haves' on the Army's behalf that could have prevented my brother's death. The Army should have concentrated on healing him. They broke him, they fix him. The Army could have placed him in a safe place with safe people to understand him while he was in his darkest times. The Army should have invested a little time and money into research on how they could prepare for the distressed men and women that are coming home after witnessing the horrors of war, long before they were sent to the war. The Army should have the most updated psychological approaches and treatments to offer our loved ones, our troops.

Our troops have been pushed to their limit. There are thousands of Americans like me who are living in agony over the self murder of a dear loved one. For me, it was my brother that broke my heart, for others it was a son that was lost. Still others, a daughter, a husband, a daddy, a mommy... lost to the senseless occupation in Iraq. Our troops are suffering. Their families are grieving. Their friends are feeling helpless.

The Army continues to deny soldiers like my brother the help they need. Too many are being sent back to Iraq while they are still struggling with PTSD. I don't think the military knows how to heal these invisible wounds to the hearts, minds, and spirits the troops that they send out to Iraq, repeatedly.

The Iraq war is not going to be won by throwing our blood and money at it. Our soldiers don't want to watch their friends die anymore. The funny thing about American families is that we don't want to lose a single member. That is just not all right with us. Losing my younger brother was not worth whatever the current administration is selling.

The only effective way to address the epidemic of military suicides is to stop the trauma that makes our strong and loving troops want to take their own lives: Prevent the scars, prevent the external mutilations, prevent the internal spiraling depressions by bringing our troops home, now.

April Somdahl has been an active member of Military Families Speak Out since June 2007, inspired by her beloved brother's suicide.

Read more about Memorial Day from Huffington Post bloggers.

Comments

[abigail1]

We must fight to make taking care of soldiers mental health a priority.
thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry for your loss.

[DonKrieger]

Dear April,

Thank you for your article. I join those who've responded and the many times many who haven't in offering my sincere regret for the loss of your brother.

You have made a substantive contribution to all of America with your heart-breaking and well informed account of the disgraceful conduct of our government. We may continue to argue about the genesis and conduct of the war, it's justification, the deceptions and errors. But there can be no question whatever when we see the neglect with which our veterans are and have been treated and the tragic consequences which have resulted and continue to do so.

My contemporaries, including John McCain, fought in Vietnam. I question the adequacy of the evaluation and treatment Senator McCain has had, particularly for Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He was traumatized, tortured, and isolated for years. He is at risk.

And he displays behavior which is consistent with PTSS. His anger problem is well known and documented. He has been described as: "... not the same man he was in 2000 ..." He has inexplicably reversed his position on the use of torture by our government.

I question the ability or even willingness of our government to adequately evaluate and treat the real and often debilitating emotional and mental effects of our veterans' exposure to war. Your account and accompanying information cries out for real parity for these ailments.

Don

[shep1900]

I am very sorry for your family's loss.

So few are doing the work and suffering for so many.

I wish we had a draft, because if we did, I'm quite certain we would not have had a war.

[NoMoFearNoMoHate]

No, I'm quite sure that this war would have gone right on and this distracted, self-centered and uncaring society would have just let it happen.

I feel for your loss April and hope that all of our voices together can penetrate the walls of inhumanity that prevent help from reaching those that need it and ending this senseless war.

[hcbuck]

You have given me information that I did not know and I thank you for that.

Hopefully by discussing this, it will show people that even though the media has blacked out information about what is happening in the War, it is having a very detrimental impact on our soldiers. Not treating them properly and sending them back to serve multiple tours is not "supporting the troops."

I am also sorry for the loss that you and your family have experienced and I pray that there is some sort of healing for you all.

Your brother was a brave American who deserves to be remembered on this day. Thank you for sharing you story.

[sa]

this is all about avoiding the draft -
grimmly wounded soldiers
are sent back into action,
because there is no replacement for them.
we have hired the maximum blackwater
mercenaries, and the military is pushed to the max.

to win the war would require a draft.

but a draft would be never acceptable
to america - you'd have a million people
at the white house gate tomorrow if the draft were initiated.
everyone knows this war is a lie.

bush knows this.

this is a corporate bought war,
exclusively of the rich at the expense of the poor.
(like all wars).

there will be no winning in iraq.
it is lost now and forever, no matter what its outcome.



bush has dodged the draft again.

and like his entire life, all of us are left to hold the bag.
in some cases, hold the body bag.
it's all a lie.

[LouisPWu]

One can only hope that you and your family find some peace in your sorrow. Perhaps your voice, and the voice of thousands of others, will help bring an end to the unjust policies of our government.

[jafahr]

I'm so sorry for what your brother, you and your family, and other military members and their families have suffered and continue to suffer. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I visited the MFSO website to learn more about that organization and how we can help, and made a donation. I will email my senators today to accept them to filabuster any future spending measures, and I will forward the link to your blog to others and ask that they do the same. I will continue to try to identify ways in which we civilians can help to bring attention to the cause of military personnel and their families, and how we can help bring this war to an end.

Everyone, please take action! Lend your support! http://www.mfso.org/section.php?id=3

http://www.mfso.org/section.php?id=3

[loril]

I would like to add my sincere condolences along with so many others here. It is impossible for me to comprehend the frustration you must feel. I can only hope that the work you are doing for others gives you the energy to keep going. It is obvious that there are so many who are in the same situation as your late brother; and they need us to speak for them.

I worked in a library for many years. We opened our doors to one and all. And, I can assure everyone that there are still homeless and aging vets from the Vietnam Era who are suffering and adrift after all these years. The government will not be able to hide or cover up the emotional state of many of the returning Iraq vets indefinitely. We will see the maimed on our streets. We will be "housing" those who suffer emotionally and are unable to cope in our public buildings. It will be a delayed reaction, sadly, but someday in the future it will be impossible for the American public to ignore the real cost of this war.

[lewes17266]

The Ritchie quote is disgusting and insensitive.

Please accept my sincere condolences. This is so tragic.

[HamletsMill]

Thank you for informing us of what happened. It took courage to write this and this is very deeply appreciated. Please accept my sincere heart felt condolences. I will keep your brother, you, and your family in my deepest prayers. I know several of the founding members of MFSO. Because of what you have written here, I am going to get in touch and see what I can do to help the organization.

[Bobrobert]

My prayers are with you and your family.

[nsiah7]

It is always noble to stand and fight for your country. People should therefore stand up and resist in order to stop our military for being sent into combat that is not noble. Our Civilian leadership who do this to satisfy their own ideology should be held accountable and brought to book.
I am so sorry for you and your family.

[PJWhite530]

My god. Your story almost broke my heart. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. My sincere condolences to you and your entire family. Your pain and anger must be almost too much to bear. Patricia

[mamacat]

My sincerest condolences.

You wrote "I don't think the military knows how to heal these invisible wounds.........".
I respectfully disagree.
Witnessing and dealing with men coming back from Vietnam, there were some things that were obvious. The most obvious and straightforward? Don't send men back into the cauldron when what they need is time to heal. Sending these men back into combat when they are haunted by past events is, in my opinion, the same thing as cruel and inhumane punishment. It is tantamount to torturing them. They cannot deal with it, they will not deal with it. The most that anyone can hope is that they will not murder themselves or anyone else while they are trying to cope with their personal demons.

We would not send someone back into combat with a broken leg or arm, or a concussion. Why would we send them back into combat when they are suffering from severe PTS? I believe the military knows better. We knew better during Vietnam, we know better now. Someone made a decision. The decision may have been based on political and economic decisions coming from the White House.

[muktukcanuck]

I am so sorry for Brian's pain, yours, and that of your families.

You show great courage in sharing your story, and will no doubt help other gives voice to their grief.

May your brother's light shine on through a better tomorrow.