The Room

Contributing Editor Victoria Gotch Cuts Super Bowl XLIII Down to Size

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:38:55 +0000

TAMPA., FL (Special to Sportsman's Daily) So it's about that time again. Super Bowl XLIII. Look, I don't mind the build-up, the hype, the media asking stupid questions -- "if you were a vegetable what kind of vegetable would you be." (I'd be a fucking ear of corn, moron, how bout you?) It is what it is. But something about the roman numerals just sets my teeth on edge. I mean, I get it--football as gladiator sport. A spectacle. Another perfectly acceptable excuse for men to avoid socializing with women, to revert to towel-snapping locker room half wits, and temporarily wash away all feelings of inadequacy in a shit storm of beer and booze. It's what men do. But those stupid-ass roman numerals. Reminds me of Albert, my third husband. He was a sociology professor. Complete pompous ass. At first I thought it was a charming cover for the man-child that lurked beneath the tweed and mershaum pipe and the footnotes studding his casual conversation--I mean, the fool would insert footnotes when ordering breakfast. One morning, we're staying at some fancy hotel during a three day conference in Palo Alto. The third day there we go down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast, the waitress comes to our table and asks for our order: "Loc sit," Albert wittily replies, meaning he'll have the same order as the morning before. Of course she misheard and brought him a lox platter, which got a bad day off to a very bad start. So I know a thing or two about pomposity...and why I find it so damn insulting. It's all fake superiority, like an executive who props an oversize quill and ink set on a desk big enough for F-16s to land on. We get it: you are very very important and very very powerful. Oooh, I'm so impressed. But ultimately it's all about being forced to take the measure of the guy's equipment--and trust me, man inches have little to do with universal standards of measurement. I call it the "men-tric" system--which is the application of out-sized male ego to the measure of all things, which naturally brings us back to Super Bowl, ugh, XLIII. Look, I'd be the first to admit that if women were running the show, reporters would be asking Larry Fitzgerald what it feels like to be playing in Le Bowl Fantastique #43--feminized, perfumed, with periodic PMS-driven moodswings. Equally ridiculous and irritating, but the gift bags would be an improvement. But it's not just the pomposity, it's the message it masks. Anyone who's ever watched the HBO series Rome (highly recommended) immediately gets how stratified Roman society was--if you're a plebe you do what you're told, if you're an aristocrat you get to participate in fruit-laden orgies. That, in a nutshell, is the not so subtle message: if you are a woman you bring the platters and replenish the drinks, if you're a man you might as well be Marc Antony having his way with the women who bring the platters and replenish the drinks. This week, Tampa will transform into something not unlike swinging Rome in the era before Christ. The all-night parties, the hell-raising, the streets boiling with sexed-up boys and girls gone wild. People don't even stop at traffic lights--to Super Bowl party animals, a red light is just a bloodshot green light.yellow is just a reminder that a urinal is in the vicinity. Anyway, all this NFL sanctioned male-oriented bullshit won't stop me from kicking back and enjoying the game. Of course I'll be Tivo-ing it and watching it late at night so I don't have to sit through all the stupid commercials.one of the worst rituals is the morning after the game having to dissect and rate the commercials. Not seeing the commercials enables me to say, with complete confidence, that they all sucked. I know you're all been waiting for my Super Bowl prediction. Other than predicting I'll get hit on by at least eight drunken fools between now and the time this is posted on the site, I'm predicting the Cardinals score II touchdowns in the IVth quarter and win by XIV. (Come back later this week when the above will be translated into Latin. A lapsed Roman Catholic prelate will be online to assist you through some of the knottier passages. We are told that boys between the ages of 8-13 will be bumped to the head of the queue.)

Media Drunk Tank: Officer O'Reilly

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:20:17 +0000

Bill O'Reilly now has a "Policing the Net" segment on his Fox News show. Seriously. This is coming from a guy who has roughly the sexual impulse control of Tommy Lee on Spanish fly. But Sir Spanks-a-Lot has made himself judge and jury over what is appropriate for the World Wide Web. Last week's edition featured this:

In the policing the Net segment tonight, two controversial happenings: Saturday Night Live lampoons Ann Coulter, and another little kid is used -- and that's the correct word -- used to bash President Bush.

Let's start with the latter item. Bill showed a Web video of a 3-year-old girl playfully saying, "Goodbye, George Bush. I'm going to miss you. You taught me grammar (shows clip of Bush fumbling words), you taught me the meaning of pre-emptive strike (shows girl hitting her doll)." Then the little girl is shown kissing a magazine cover of Barack Obama. The clip ends with the girl saying, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." The piece was edited down from this original video on Momlogic.com. Compared to the Will Ferrell "Landlady" video, it was pretty tame. O'Reilly didn't think so. "I hate to see little kids used like that," he said. "I think it's wrong." Amanda Carpenter, national political reporter for conservative Web site Townhall.com, was even more upset and made a desperate attempt to show that this is in fact child abuse:

Who knows what it's going to do for her future, quite frankly. Because she doesn't know what she's saying. But when she's 12, 13, 14, 15 and she wants to get a job, maybe this will be dug up.

So is Carpenter really saying that in nine years, when this child is 12 and needs to skirt existing child labor laws to find some off-the-books work at a sweatshop, the sweatshop owners, who will naturally be looking back at the Bush II years as the golden age of sweatshop management, will consult their database of blacklisted toddlers from 2009 and/or scour YouTube video by video to see if any of their applicants ever anonymously said anything disrespectful about George W. Bush when they were 3? And this alone will scuttle said 12-year-old's entrée into dangerous, low-paid factory labor? Or is she saying she'll lose babysitting jobs hand over fist to the girls who, as preschoolers, had the good decency and foresight to hold the most unpopular president in generations in high esteem? Is this the sort of airtight logic that makes Townhall.com so revered in conservative circles? Seriously, what career path would a 12-year-old be on that this video would destroy? It's not like she played the robot on Small Wonder. Unfortunately, that will follow that poor girl forever. Still, Bill and Amanda were incensed and further pointed out that Telepictures is the parent company of the Momlogic.com, which, O'Reilly noted, produces Ellen. We smell a boycott. But a protracted, ineffective boycott of the most lovable lesbian on daytime TV will have to wait. Bill had more policing to do. Next was Web video of an Ann Coulter skit from SNL. Again, considering the subject matter, it's pretty tame. Even O'Reilly declared, "I don't see anything wrong with that." But it was clear that O'Reilly was playing moderate to his far-right guest. Amanda argued that the skit went way over the line. "They kind of demean Ann Coulter into becoming this unwomanlike thing." Unfortunately for Amanda's argument, "Unwomanlike Thing" is what's printed under Coulter's name on her business cards. Seriously, this is the same person who referred to the Jersey Girls -- four 9/11 widows who had criticized the Bush administration -- as "harpies" who were enjoying their husbands' deaths. Going after SNL on this is like arguing that a skit poking fun at Pol Pot went too far. Carpenter wasn't finished: "They say that she's gonna become, I think it was a manlike serpent who will inherit the Earth and outlive anyone because she's like this subhuman alien figure. I mean, it's really insulting." Ms. Carpenter is confusing "insulting" with "foreshadowing." O'Reilly Protects the Ticketless O'Reilly brought on Anne Schroeder, the gossip columnist for Politico.com, last Wednesday and asked her what was the most bizarre thing she had seen at the inauguration. We were sure she'd say something about a black guy being sworn in as president. Instead she gave us this gem:

Well, this inaugural is known as the people's inaugural. It's the most accessible inaugural. That's certainly what the Obama administration wanted to put out there. And yet I was at the Capitol Tuesday morning early in the morning and there were thousands of people who did not get into the inaugural to see Obama take his swearing in. And they came from Alaska; they came 14 by car. And they were left sort of stranded outside, crying from disorganization.

No one explained to Anne that they had tried to move the Washington Monument and the Reflecting Pool to make more room but ran into some union issues. Anne's tone became more thickly sarcastic:

However, I saw Oprah. I saw Beyoncé. I saw P. Diddy. I saw Mohammad Ali. I saw Ashley Judd. I saw Tim Robbins. And they certainly had no problems getting into the inaugural. And they certainly weren't out there at 5 in the morning.

O'Reilly: "Well, how does that work, though. How does that work?" Schroeder: "People have various ticket levels. And obviously a celebrity can walk into the front of any line and get in. People recognize them ..." Anne, were you dropped on your head before they started this segment? Are you seriously trying to put forth the idea that celebrities elbowed their way in after carpooling 14 in a vehicle from Malibu in a desperate, long-shot bid to find tickets or that the inauguration was like a 2 million person version of Studio 54 where the glitterati just showed up and cut in front of the undesirables? Surely even O'Reilly wouldn't buy this absurd interpretation of the seating arrangement. O'Reilly: "Well, wait a minute, I would never do that. I mean I'm not gonna cut ahead of people and do that." What is he talking about? Is O'Reilly claiming that he would have stood out among the throng at sunrise hoping to get a glimpse of the event rather than accept a reserved seat? Do his viewers really buy this faux populism shtick anymore? O'Reilly tried to wrap his head around the crazy system of reserved seating: "What I understand, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that if you gave a lot of money to the Obama campaign then you got a special pass, a VIP pass, and tickets and this, that, and the other thing. You were told where to go and who to see. Is that correct?" Anne feigned wonderment: "That's the impression I'm under." O'Reilly concluded, "I think that's what it was. That if you were at a level if you kicked in thousands of dollars or bundled money for the Obama campaign, there was a certain avenue of information that you got that nobody else got. All right, let's assume that's true." So let's get this straight. Apparently, O'Reilly and Schroeder are implying that Obama's wealthy contributors and high-profile celebrity supporters somehow obtained better seats than the guy who waves the "Free Crazy Bread" sign outside of Little Caesars and the kid who played Raj on What's Happening! What an outrageous departure from time-honored Washington tradition. Yes, apparently these two dazzling intellects believe that all previous inaugurations were first-come, first-served general setting -- no savesies. O'Reilly Protects the Skies Bill O'Reilly and Politico's Anne Schroeder are the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers of false-outrage-inspiring news stories. Let's watch them dance: O'Reilly led: "... at Dulles airport, was it true that they closed down a runway to let the private planes ..." Anne didn't miss a step: "That's certainly what the news reports are saying. Yes. To accommodate everyone's private planes." O'Reilly's fake rage was now fueled: "Now that's outrageous. If they did that at Dulles Airport, and we'll look at that. If they stopped the plane traffic there to get these private planes on the ground. That's outrageous. That should never happen." Yes, it is true that Dulles did shut down a runway to accommodate the 500 planes that were expected for the inauguration. O'Reilly and his hack from Politico didn't mention (or bother to find out) that the runway that was shut down was just completed on November 20. So yes, Dulles International Airport went back to using the three runways it had used up until two months ago with no delays to commercial traffic. Outrageous!

John Mayer's Engagement Plans

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:21:54 +0000

As Star has reported John plans to propose on Feb. 11 -- Jen's 40th birthday. When John's friend asked if his girl will be wearing the ring, John laughed and replied, "There will be a big story coming out of the Oscars that night -- and it won't be about the winners." Be forewarned, celebrities. John's not being coy about a possible engagement to Jennifer Aniston. He actually said the above quote to me. We were partying in the VIP section of Marquee with the Pussycat Dolls and Rumer Willis. John was smoking a cigar and nursing a glass of brandy. An ascot was tied around his neck and he seemed to pay no mind to the gorgeous women that flocked around him. In a hushed tone as he rubbed his hands fanatically together he told me, "There will be a big story coming out of the Oscars that night-and it won't be about the winners. Because there will be no winners. Only losers. The losers who I shall smite down with the power of mine mind, for I am John Mayer, Fire Starter." He then started to chuckle, which became more and more fanatical until I started to get seriously freaked out and Rumer was all like, "I'm out of here" and she left on her helicopter. John then threw something down and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. I haven't seen him since, though I've texted him like one hundred times. So please, celebrities, I urge you not to attend the Academy Awards. I tried to tell Star magazine this, but they truncated the quote to make it more palatable. We need our most important citizens not to die in a star-studded bloodbath of a firestorm created by John Mayer's mind. That would suck.

Excerpts from My Obama/Lost Fan Fiction

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 10:19:28 +0000

EXT - THE ISLAND - DAY BARACK OBAMA, HURLEY, and CLAIRE are running through the jungle. All are sweating, out of breath, and wide-eyed. Obama leads the group, determined. OBAMA: Come on! The group crashes through the trees and brush, frantic. Finally, we see what is chasing them: the smoke monster. HURLEY: What is it? What is it? Obama stops and turns to look at the monster. Close up on his face. OBAMA: It's the economy. CUT TO title: LOST *** EXT - THE BEACH - NIGHT All survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 are standing on the beach, talking and surrounding Barack Obama, who is lit dramatically by torch light. SAWYER: You need to get us off this stinkin' island, Obama! SAYID: Does anybody even remember that the Others stole all our children? LOCKE: This island has powers! I have a knife! OBAMA: Look...my fellow survivors. I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed on me. That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every survivor, that we have duties, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task. ROSE: Are you telling us that we need to build another boat? OBAMA: Yes. And don't let it catch fire this time. *** INT - THE HATCH - DAY An alarm is going off. BARACK OBAMA sits in front of a computer, typing. OBAMA: John, I need to know what the numbers are! CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: 4, 8, 23... OBAMA: 4, 8, 23... CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Er, 4, 8 ,15, 16, 23... OBAMA: 4, 8, 23, 15, 16... The hatch explodes. Title: LOST. End episode.

Day One, A.B. (After Bush)

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 09:12:47 +0000

New eras don't usually start right away. The Pleistocene Era didn't get going for at least 40,000 years, and the Sixties didn't really start until 1964. But the Obama Era kicked into gear right away. I could barely keep track of Day One. Here's what I remember: The media was all abuzz about President Obama's refusal to laugh at Vice-President Biden's weak joke about Chief Justice Roberts. Experts say this could lead to serious consequences for all lame humor - the nation could lose its supply of mimes, impressionists and those people in Times Square who hand you a flyer and say, "Do you like stand-up comedy?" Obama re-did his swearing in, since Roberts mangled the oath the first time. This was nothing new. Chief justices traditionally screw over the newly elected president, as William Rehnquist did in 2000, when he wouldn't let Al Gore win the election. Obama revamped www.whitehouse.gov to allow viewers to receive e-mail updates directly from the White House. Obama will thus reach more Americans than previous presidents, who used more primitive forms of communication - such as FDR (fireside chat), Carter (call-in show) and Clinton (semen). Hillary Clinton was finally sworn in as Secretary of State, although Republicans vowed to continue investigating her husband until the end of his life. Although he does not hold elected office, experts believe he will become the first ex-president to be impeached. Making good on a campaign promise, Obama will close Gitmo, which houses 245 of the dangerous inmates in the world. It is expected that they will be relocated to a place they will fit in, like the DMV or the Post Office. Obama pledged to make his administration open and transparent, encouraging the free flow of information. This is in stark contrast to the Bush administration, which relied on a more cumbersome system of spying, leaks and Bob Woodward tell-all books. Finally, Bush left his successor two things to remember him by: a note on the desk of the Oval Office, and Iraq. By all accounts, both are hard to figure out and full of mistakes. Day Two of a presidency is usually not as momentous as Day One. Yet Obama's Day Two is looking like another Day One. I could make a joke about how Chief Justice Roberts is causing another do-over, but that would be a) lame and b) so two days ago.

Fox News Doesn't Care About Black People

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 12:38:38 +0000

At Fox News, inauguration day looked like the first afternoon a Negro used the local country club tennis courts following a legal settlement. While there were many forced smiles and obligatory discussions of this "historic" day, there was just as much complaining about the size of the event, the expense involved, and the number of celebrities in attendance. We kept waiting for someone to blurt out, "We don't mind having a black couple in the White House, but do they need to be so uppity about it?" And as Barack Obama hoped to further strengthen his bond with the American people, Fox News did everything it could to remind people about his ties to Hollywood and far-left liberals. In the lead-up to the oath of office, the crawl at the bottom of the screen pointed out that the event's $50,000 donors included Halle Berry, Jamie Foxx, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, George Lucas, Sharon Stone, Steven Spielberg and ... wait for it ... the "Soros Family." (It should be noted that Obama had lowered the donation limit to $50,000 per person from the previous $250,000 per person for the Bush inauguration.) Out on the National Mall, Bill Hemmer did all he could to draw class distinctions between attendees as he pointed out the reserved seating, laughing, "I guess those folks paid a little more money to get their location there." This prompted another salvo from the studio: "Hey Bill, we're looking at a live shot of Dustin Hoffman. He's in one of the good seats I think. I bet a lot of Hollywood types are up a little closer than you are right there." For not caring much about Hollywood types, Fox News certainly seems obsessed with them. Cut to a shot of John Cusack. Bill O'Reilly Doesn't Care About Black People Bill O'Reilly has had some stupid polls in the past, but while he may be a hack, he is also something of a genius. (You might say he's 51 percent idiot and 10 percent savant, with the remainder being a more or less equal blend of rage and pancake makeup.) His poll questions are often more revealing of his own prejudices than those of the country as a whole. While they're at times mind-fuckingly bizarre, they're also extraordinarily simplistic and custom-crafted for his sycophants -- almost as if M.C. Escher had drawn coloring books. And while he composes astonishingly weird poll questions, he just as regularly bests his previous work. He has proved himself both the Mozart and Salieri of online polling. For the last several weeks, O'Reilly has posted the following poll on his site: Are you rooting for Barack Obama to succeed? Yes or No Now, who the hell is rooting for Barack Obama to fail? Who looks at his investments and the value of his home and says, "Screw it, I'd rather lose everything than have this guy succeed." Now, O'Reilly has a lot invested in Obama's failure. He was one of the driving forces behind both the Reverend Wright story and the Bill Ayers story. It would suck for Bill to have friend of America-haters and a terrorist pal become a great president. So we can only assume that Bill wants Obama to succeed. Well, probably 55 percent of him anyway. Michelle Malkin Doesn't Care About Black People To mark the day, Michelle Malkin kept a whimsical inauguration cliché count, supposedly monitoring utterances of the "First black president in American history" and "We are witnessing history." Michelle didn't hide her contempt for all this attention being paid to Obama or for the credit he's getting for being our first black president. She also made space on her blog to point out that no one in the media was covering how Obama inauguration celebrant Jay-Z often uses the word "nigga." Then she uploaded a video on her site to prove it and sniffed, "And you wonder why some of us don't believe MLK's dream has been completely fulfilled ..." Now, many of you may be wondering why someone who is of Asian decent would be so antagonistic toward Obama and his background. And while Michelle may be a whore for the far-right -- and she is certainly being a good one by discounting this momentous event -- it still gives us pause. While most whores love to bring joy to people, it seems this one only seeks to spread hate. Glenn Beck Doesn't Care About Black People

"For the first time I've been thinking to myself, this is out of control. I mean, it was out of control somewhat during the last Bush inaugural, to where it's just, it's I mean, here we had to declare a national state of emergency to be able to afford this and pay for it. That's craziness. This year probably needed to do because it's so historic. But can we all make an agreement? I don't care if I'm the president, we shouldn't be spending this money on this."

-- Glenn Beck, Fox News, while watching the inaugural parade Of course, Beck failed to point out that the money for the inaugural was raised privately and that taxes only covered funds for security, which go to hardworking police and military who were making sure our citizens were safe and secure. So why are Beck and everyone at Fox News so suddenly concerned about the scope of this particular inauguration? We just can't figure it out. Perhaps Beck and the gang would have been happier if the Obamas had arrived at their new home in a taxi. Hey, it was good enough for the The Jeffersons. Of course, to keep it fair and balanced, during the next segment Beck brought on Jonah Goldberg, author of the book Liberal Fascism.

Movies That Will Definitely Get Oscar Nominations

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 10:23:25 +0000

The Academy Award nominations for 2008 films will be announced on Thursday; the following are the most likely contenders. Good luck to them all: Grandpa Racist T. Crotchetypants and His Magical Redemption Gun Three Hours of "Gump"-Taste-Tested Syrup From Dead Author Who Did It Better in 20 Pages The Cutest Eco-Friendly Robot Lecture Ever Ever Ever! 1950s Suburban Drones Courtesy of Genius Filmmakers Who Have Not Lost Their Souls Unlike All of You Superhero Adaptation #624, In Case Fanboys Didn't Whack Off to the Previous 623 Superhero Adaptation #758, With Extra Brooding Rehab Bitch Crashes the Multicultural Wedding of Masturbatory Wonderfulness Feel-Great Mumbai Poverty Panorama in a Variety of Swirling Colors Forgotten Actor's Comeback in Role of His Screwed-Up Lifetime Holocaust Memories + Kate Winslet's Ass = Artistic Boner Angelina Jolie Suffers Mightily While Her Lips Remain Shiny and Succulent Through the Entire Great Depression Bond. James Zzzz... Gays in Office? Next They'll Want Marital Rights Tricky Dick's Syndicated Penance, With Limited Politically Resonant Commercial Interruptions Lonely Professor Bongo Learns to Live Woody Allen's Latest Ode to Hot Women He Can't Fuck Pulitzer Play-Turned-Movie Acting Clinic, With No Actual Actors From the Original Play Because That Would Be Ridiculous

Liveblogging the Inauguration

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 13:04:32 +0000

11:11 Dan Quayle is back!! 11:11 And he brought Al Gore!!! 11:14 I am so sick of hearing about George H. W. going sky diving 11:15 Bill doesn't look happy 11:15 Haha one Senator objected to Hillary's nomination 11:17 How is he supposed to sky dive if he's using a cane? 11:18 Once again, the ex-presidents are all keeping their distance from Carter 11:22 I think the washing machine in my building is broken...my stuff's been in for half an hour and even though it was only supposed to be in for 28 minutes, there's still 12 left, what'd I miss? 11:23 Bush is coming up, what are the odds the boos are louder than the forced cheering? 11:25 They're really devoting a lot of time to watching the two little girls walk down a hallway, I think the news might be pedophiles 11:30 Why are they talking about Princess Di and the Pope's death? 11:31 The shots of everybody walking down the stairs is getting rather repetitive, can they show some more of Cheney in the wheelchair? 11:34 Ask and you shall receive!! there he is. 11:36 That's some seriously forced clapping for Bush, although I 11:38 Buh buh buh Biden 11:44 What a great day! I tried mixing my whites and colors in the washing machines and they came out fine, Racism is over!! 11:44 Crap I missed Obama's entrance, didn't I? 11:46 I would hate to be running security for this thing 11:48 Rick Warren is from the Saddle Back Church, I know there's a Brokeback Mountain joke in there somewhere, but I've gotta make some lunch 11:52 Oh quoting Jesus, very original Warren... 11:56 That was good Aretha but I still prefer R-E-S-P-E-C-T. My Country Tis Of Thee didn't make it to #2 of VH1's greatest rock songs of all time 11:58 I'm out $30. Fricking VP Biden couldn't have just one oath haffe? 11:59 Yo-Yo Ma... 12:02 ...is stealing the show 12:05 With how much pomp and spectacle went into this, that was pretty quick. Not that I'm saying it wasn't good, just thought it might last a bit longer, is all. 12:07 President Obama 12:12 You lost me at the Hollywood and celebrity-bashing 12:17 Shout out to Rights of Man and Thomas Paine (pre-Age of Reason I assume) 12:27 Would hate to have to follow that speech 12:29 This'll be the last time poetry is ever recited on national television, try to enjoy it 12:45 Damn it, how did I lose another sock to that damn drier? 12:56 My guess is Bush is going off the wagon in that helicopter, think I might join him.

Hail to the Chief!

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 10:37:57 +0000

Rejected Presidential Pardon Bids

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 09:36:58 +0000

The Tragic Downfall of Chesley B. Sullenberger III

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:00:25 +0000

Jan. 15, 2009 - Veteran Air Force/US Airways pilot Chesley B. Sullenberger III successfully lands an Airbus A320, Flight 1549 from New York to Charlotte, North Carolina, onto the Hudson River after birds fly into its engines; 155 passengers are rescued, unharmed. Jan. 16, 2009 - Media report spotless record of Sullenberger, who is hailed as a hero; copies of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" and Ibsen's "The Wild Duck" are burned en masse, along with photos of relief pitcher Rich "Goose" Gossage. Jan. 19, 2009 - Episode of "24" is quickly reshot to include Sullenberger-like pilot avoiding deadly mid-air plane collision caused by terrorists; Jack Bauer salutes him before torturing an 8-year-old blind girl. Jan. 20, 2009 - Nation celebrates "Chesley B. Sullenberger III Day"; Obama inauguration is carried only on CTI Zhong Tian Channel. Jan. 22, 2009 - Oscar nominations are postponed as Paramount, Universal, Warner Brothers, and 20th Century Fox launch joint production of Sullenberger's life story; Judd Apatow and Eric Roth hired to write screenplay, Clint Eastwood to star and direct before actors go on strike. Jan. 23, 2009 - Sullenberger reluctantly does interviews; he is five minutes late for "Late Show with David Letterman," causing Letterman to do 50-minute rant on airline food, chew off Paul Shaffer's leg; Sullenberger is unable to answer Charlie Gibson's question about providing specific mechanics to create a warp bubble according to the Alcubierre theory involving waves of contracting and expanding space. Jan. 26, 2009 - Screening tests show Sullenberger had .00000001 percent blood alcohol level at time of Flight 1549 landing, suspected of being caused by undigested rum cake Sullenberger ate at New Year's Eve celebration; Senatorial commission is formed to form a Senatorial commission to investigate criminal misconduct on Sullenberger's part. Jan. 28, 2009 - Looking for evidence of more rum cake, reporters find half-eaten sandwich in Sullenberger's garbage; nation shocked at his wastefulness during difficult economic times. Feb. 1, 2009 - Passenger from Flight 1549 sues US Airways, Sullenberger for "infliction of Post-Traumatic Avian-Effectuated Hydro-Disembarkation Distress," claims resulant emotional damage from landing safely on Hudson is worse than "if he had died." Other passengers join in suit; Sullenberger forced to stay in US Airways Club until legal matters can be sorted out. Feb. 2, 2009 - PETA sues US Airways on behalf of families of the ducks and birds sucked into the Flight 1549 Airbus A320, claims Sullenberger had lifelong animosity toward flying creatures and waterfowl; Sullenberger locked in guarded US Airways bathroom for ''his own safety." Feb. 3, 2009 - Old video footage of Sullenberger telling Marx Brothers' "Why a duck?" routine at party becomes widespread hit on YouTube; Sullenberger claims to have never seen "The Cocoanuts" but, ironically, has seen "Duck Soup." Feb. 4, 2009 - Religious groups claim Sullenberger interfered with God's natural order by saving people on Flight 1549; he is subsequently excommunicated by Pope. Feb. 7, 2009 - Tina Fey does riotous Chesley Sullenberger impression on "Saturday Night Live," ordering Duck a l'Orange in restaurant, then stabbing it with fork, beating it with crowbar, tossing it into huge fan; followed by hilarious Andy Samberg digital video, "Plug Up My Ass." Feb. 10, 2009 - The Clint Eastwood version of Sullenberger's story is put in turnaround as Eastwood instead directs a film adaptation of "The Wild Duck" with himself in role of Hedvig. A cheaply made TV-movie "Brace for Impact" appears on Spike TV, with Sullenberger played by Michael Dudikoff; it is beaten in ratings by "Willie Aames' Old Skool Bible, In Your Face!" Feb. 12, 2009 - Teacher reveals Sullenberger was unable to attend daughter's piano recital in 2001; parents' groups call him unfit father. Feb. 15, 2009 - US Airways declares bankruptcy, Sullenberger is fired, wife files for divorce, daughter becomes fifth judge on "American Idol." Michael Bloomberg takes city keys away from Sullenberger, gives them to man who can stuff five billiard balls into his mouth. Feb. 23, 2009 - Sullenberger stars in VH1 show "I'm With Chesley"; in premiere episode he waits to travel on Southwest, is recognized, forced into stand-by line while he is strip-searched by Gary Busey. Feb. 28, 2009 - Veteran Air Force/American Airlines pilot Markham Polliratham successfully lands damaged Boeing 757 Flight 234 onto Emerald Dunes Golf Course after children's kites are sucked into its engines; media report spotless record of Polliratham, who is hailed as a hero.

The Day the Porn Stood Still

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 10:35:45 +0000

If video killed the radio star, the Internet has killed the porn star. The information super-highway is about to intersect with the Hershey highway and, soon, no one will be able to get off. I can live without the auto industry. I can accept that Fannie Mae may kick my fanny out of my bungalow, but I can't live in a world without well-crafted and beautifully-lit pornography. Call me a romantic. To understand the function pornography plays in any culture, one need only look at the museums of Pompeii, replete with vases depicting XXX felattio and gladiator bondage challenges in ancient times. The earliest films were pornography. The earliest photographs were pornography. The first record of a gay encounter on the telephone was Alexander Graham Bell's original plea to his buff assistant: "Watson come quick. Right here." In these recent hard times, we have become addicted to the quick burnout stories--war in the Gaza Strip; another Presidential inaugural (isn't there one every four years?), and the new Ice Age. But here's the real news: In the last year, the U.S. porn industry has had to watch video sales go down faster than the girls and boys in them. Porn impresarios and C.E.O's have had to watch helplessly, their hands cuffed behind their backs as Web sites such as Red Tube and Porn Hub are basically giving porn away for free. In the 21st century Porn has become a "do it yourself" industry. Americans have figured out that all you need to do to be the next Jenna Jameson is aim your cell phone at the top your genitals when you're having sex. Easy as cherry pie. "Sex-ting"--sending nude pictures of yourself over the internet--is now trendy and is being done in junior high schools, high schools, and in select PTA meetings. The ailing porn industry has had to scale back employees, and this week an estimated 1,200 fluffers are expected to be released in to the work force. These sex workers will go hungry. With no work on the horizon and nothing to hang on to, their idle hands...well, let's just say that things could get hairy. Industry insider John "Wad" Bates reports, "porn baron's drops in revenue are getting harder and harder to swallow!" Soon, such names as Larry Flynt and Joe Francis will have no choice but to join so many failing American Industries get on their knees and beg the Government for a hand job/ a hand out ("yeah...you like that Big Government..."). It doesn't help that the mainstream media is dismissing a possible pornography bail out as if it's a joke. NO! A man slipping on a banana is a joke! A man having a banana shoved into his rectum is a $12 billion a year Business. And a whole of a lot of tax dollars The puritanical American media has given relatively little face-and-ass time to this story. Instead, it has concentrated on the banking and car industries. Is Volvo really more important than vulva? I am encouraged by talk about the "massive size" of President Obama's "stimulus package." Rumor has it that it's both ribbed and double sided. The failing porno business is belly up; they know things are about to get hard. It will take time and no doubt be it will be painful, but they need this big package. They need it bad. A source who wished to remain anonymous says, "They don't want to suck it dry, they just want to save pornography as we know it. Smut is as American as jazz or the insider trading and non-specific urethritis." The airwaves belong to us, and Americans crave what they have become accustomed to: well-crafted, provocative, stimulating erotica with dialogue that either reveals character or forwards the action. Yes, and while Ann Coulter maybe super sexy, smart, slender and dazzling, can she shoot a pingpong ball from her opening? (I don't care how viral she gets) At this juncture in history, let us remember the millions of American Girls who have pinned their hopes on someday being the next superstar airbrushed to perfection, the up-and-coming buck naked girl next door. If porno ends, these girls, these Kendras, are sadly going to see that dream never fulfilled; they'll be relegated to grainy cellphones images while being filmed in fluorescent light by their boyfriends in the storage rooms in the back of Olive Garden. Their star will rise on a Verizon wireless Blackberry fiends and family network. Is that what America wants to see--how these girls really look, without soft lighting and instrumental music? Well, if that's what you want, then go sit outside the ladies' bathroom at the Pomona Country Fair and see what flannel cakes will really do to a girl. Let's leave the porn in the hands the professionals, not the lunatic amateurs employees at the Olive Garden shooting their bottomless salad bars with those extra warm breadsticks. America, let's save the slow-motion orgasm now! If we don't do something fast, Americans are going to have to go back to masturbating over J.C Penney catalogs and in public libraries. We cannot have all the references books on Italian vases ruined and sealed shut forever! It's time to spread our tax dollars wide and deep for pornography!

The Geese Fight Back

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:50:51 +0000

The following e-mail showed up in my box. Its author is Ronald, a Canadian Black Goose, and the only indication as to its origin is the line "Sent from my iPhone." Dear Humans, Once again, history is written by the victors. I'm referring to the flight that had to be ditched in the Hudson because of us geese. Only your species could experience a tragedy where nobody dies and still complain about it. I was part of the gaggle that flew into that plane and nobody says anything about the friends I lost. Until you've seen three Canadian duskies you grew up with get sucked into a jet engine, don't tell me you know what tragedy is. We geese have taken about all the crap we're going to take. We are majestic, serious birds, and yet the phrase "silly goose" has been part of your lexicon for years. You cook us at Christmas and eat our livers as hors d'oeuvres. When you poke someone in the ass, you're "goosing" them. And don't get me started on Duck, Duck, Goose. You rail about a "bird strike" as if we were some sort of rogue fowl, infiltrating the airways illegally. I got news for you. We were flying when the Wright Brothers were still swimming around in Mr. Wright's balls. You're in our way, not the other way around. Your Department of Homeland Security keeps saying things like "We have no indication that this is anything other than an accident." What's that supposed to mean? That secretly you suspect waterfowl of terrorism? Who's our leader? Osama Bird Laden? George W. Bush once said he believed that humans and fish could co-exist peacefully. We believe the same should be true of humans and geese. We have a saying: do not judge another bird until you have eaten his diet of insects and aquatic plants. To avoid problems in the future, we suggest better communication between the FAA and the Department of Fish and Wildlife. We also would like to see an end to goosedown jackets. This doesn't have anything to do with the current crisis, but we wanted to get it in there. Just remember, if you attack us, we will spread our wings and make a hissing sound. Then we will make loud, honking noises, in the air and on the Campbell Brown show. So let us come together and fight the real enemy - those bastard Northern Raccoons.

This Week in Cheating: Bernie Madoff Special Report

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:16:46 +0000

This Week In Cheating

Jeff Kreisler's first book, "Get Rich Cheating," will be published by Harper Collins this Spring.

Bush Adds 51st State of Emergency

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 12:54:09 +0000

As his last official duty in office, President George W. Bush announced the induction of America's 51st state. "I would like to welcome everyone to the great State of Emergency," Bush declared. "This state will go down in history as one of America's most influential entities; it will affect the lives of every U.S. citizen, and set the tone of our nation for the next 50 years, or however much longer we have." "I encourage people to visit the State of Emergency," Bush continued. "It is centrally located, stretching from the northwest corner of the state of Washington, extending south along the west coast of California, and all the way east, from Maine to Florida. You could say the State of Emergency spans the entire nation ... but my people wince slightly when I put it like that." When reporters asked why he was adding a 51st state now, Bush replied, "This has been in the works for a while. Since my administration began with 9/11 and ended with the financial meltdown, we figured it just made good sense. It was either this or a Police State, so we flipped a gold doubloon and Emergency won." The motto for the State of Emergency is "Oh God, No. Oh God ... No." The state bird is the Lappet-Faced Vulture, and its state tree is the Peach Blossom. President Bush, who was on the state's Symbol and Emblem Board, said, "I wanted a State Android Cop, you know, like Robocop or Bob Seger? But somebody told me Michigan already took those." "Before I leave the White House, I would like to say 'Go ahead, America, enjoy the State of Emergency. They've got great corndogs there!'" "That was my idea for the state motto, by the way," Bush concluded.