There are a lot of things to love about America: It's incessant optimism, it's ability to forgive itself for reality television, how easy it is to coerce interns into seeing Kevin Costner films if you buy them a ticket and a cherry Icee. This is a story of American optimism...gone terribly, terribly wrong. Somewhere in Kevin Costner's career he lost his way. Don't get us wrong, we loved The Postman, but playing a deadbeat alcoholic dad in a patriotic comedy was just too real for us. Here is the harrowing journey of us watching his harrowing journey...



1:45p Drew: Maybe this will be like the movie Dave where he becomes president in the end.
Alex: That doesn't happen in Dave.
Drew: I never finished it.

1:51p Drew makes up a tagline for the film...

Swing Vote
This summer: the vote will be swung.

1:56p Trailer for live action version of Mulan the ABC Family film Samurai comes on. Apparently every Asian girl ever is the dead chick from The Grudge.

2:05p Drew whispers "swing vote" in reverent hush as the "film" opens.

2:06p Town is called Texico, New Mexico. We were gonna put the name in quotes, but it turns out it's actually a real place.

2:07p The movie stars Stanley Tucci and Nathan Lane -- Drew now thinks we are seeing Mama Mia, and is way more excited.

2:07p Kevin Costner has a sassy (but white) daughter who bosses him around.

2:09p Daughter registered drunk Kevin Costner to vote. She says it's his civic duty. Kevin Costner character doesn't know what the word civic means, giving us a shocking look into the underbelly of Texico, New Mexico's illiteracy problem.

2:11p "Voting doesn't count for a goddamn thing." This theory will be repeated many times over the course of this film. If you want to write a senior essay on Swing Vote, this would be a good thesis.

2:12p Kevin Costner works in an egg factory with Judge Reinhold who is angry about insourcing despite cushy job at egg factory. Insourcing = fancy way of saying the darkies are coming for your job.

2:14p Lesson #1 About Republicans: They are nazis. Stanley Tucci wants to ship brawny Aryan men down to Florida to scare old Jews out of voting. This is Drew's reaction:

2:16p Lesson #1 About Democrats: They totes gay. Evidenced by appearance of Nathan Lane telling formerly bad-ass Dennis Hopper what to do. Also there was some bullshit about rainbows.

2:20p Thesis Statement # 2 for All Those Considering Senior Essays: Alcoholism is hilarious. Hence, when KC is caught drinking on the job and breaking eggs and fired as a result we all laugh.

2:21p KC represents typical fired American working man who leaves his daughter in pool halls and take 31 sick days a year.

2:22p The plot is set in motion with a Final Destination Rube Goldberg string of events: instead of cheating death, KC and daughter cheat the electoral process. Comparable? Discuss.

2:24p KC doesn't show up to vote (shocker) so daughter votes for him, but plug is pulled on electronic voting booth so nothing gets recorded. She drives his drunk-ass home. Thesis Statement #3: Children are excellent drivers. With close analysis find three examples of this in the film. Show your work.

2:26p Daughter to deadbeat dad: "I wanna live with mom"
Dad: "Me too"

Drew doesn't think it works that way. Alex is not so sure.

2:27p Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson have never met a cameo they haven't wanted to fuck. We wonder if Tim Russert was left on the cutting room floor.

2:28p George Lopez appears on screen to make chalupa joke. Get it he's totes Mexican.

2:30p KC's vote didn't count, so he gets to redo it. People come to his house. He thinks it's Child Protective Services, unfortunately for daughter it's not. They make him swear on Bible (note not Koran): "Do you, Bud, swear to recast your ballot in the spirit of the law"

2:34p The vote will be swung. There will be vote swinging.

2:39 George Lopez, determined to make this the most racist movie ever, makes OJ reference then says "vaminos" several times and exclaims, "I'm so excited, I got my accent back."

2:44p Media frenzy ensues.

2:47p MTV van pulls into town. News is official.

2:51p Racially Ambiguous Reporter Lady: I have integrity like Paula Zahn
George Lopez: My friend works where Paula Zahn eats (Mexicans are all in food service) and you're no Paula Zahn.
Racially-Ambiguous Reporter Lady: I'm no Paula Zahn?
What?

2:53p Celebrity Cameo #1: Some hick named "Rick Petty." Drew thinks it's Tom Petty and is confused by race car and lack of music.

2:58p Lesson #2 About Republicans: They like football and beer and are controlled by their campaign managers.

2:58p Lesson #2 About Democrats: They like the elliptical machine and are controlled by their campaign managers.

3p Kelsey Grammar let's KC hold the nuclear launch codes then yells at him about liberals being soft on security.

3:01p Drew: Which one's supposed to be the black guy?

3:03p Celebrity Cameo #2: Willie Nelson. What they couldn't get Kanye?

3:05p Dem candidate gets Bud's friends released from jail to play in Willie Nelson tribute band in front of a bunch of black tie guests eating chipped beef on toast.

3:06p Oh no, KC is singing. Drew was right: It's a musical.

3:08p Dennis Hopper gets on stage and sings Blue Velvet. No, just kidding, we wish.

3:10p Lesson #3 About Democrats: Even they think iPods are "too urban."

3:14p Celebrity Cameo #3: Mary Hart.

3:15p KC tells Dennis Hopper that his issue is insourcing: Oh no, this movie just got all political and shit.

3:19p People Magazine name Bud sexiest man of the year. Still a better choice than Matthew McConaughey.

3:22p When asked about gay marriage Bud says, "whatever a king does in his castle is his business, guess that goes for two queens." Instead of being strung-up by GMHC, Republican candidate comes out for gay marriage in an ad that features techno and really dykie cops. Who's more offensive now Kevin Costner?

3:24p KC comes out as pro life (kind of) and Dems make anti abortion ad--in which Dennis Hopper blows up children. Metaphor?

3:26p Daughter says Kevin Costner is ruining America. We agree.

3:31p Daughter wants him to host a debate to learn about candidates. Instead he gets drunk and forgets to go to take your father to school day. Other dads do not put him to shame. They are all unemployed due to frequently cited insourcing.

3:33p Lesson #3 About Republicans: They think people who host debates are trying to 'trick them.'

3:37p Kelsey Grammer tries to bribe Bud on Stanley Tucci's advice. Bud thinks lobbying involves opening doors for people. Kelsey Grammer retracts job offer in moment of clarity. Sucks for Bud.

3:42p Racially ambiguous lady reporter tries to set-up daughter in hidden camera trap. Daughter freaks out and runs away to her long-lost mommy's home with help of child driver #2.

3:44p Mother is the lady from St. Elmo's Fire.

3:47p Movie switches to gritty-indy-hand-held look. Mother is a druggie. Father is an alcoholic. This movie is confused about its identity, and we are left with a vague but disturbing empty feeling inside. Oh well, five more minutes.

3:50p Racially ambiguous lady reporter figures out Bud didn't vote, but will lie for him, cause that's the American way. Bud has to host debate tomorrow. She helps the family cram by reading letters from poor Americans (who lost their jobs due to insourcing.)

3:52p OMG. Our boss is in this movie. Is it ok that we're writing about this? Shit.

3:55p No debate happens. Bud delivers "touching" monologue. (Doesn't mention insourcing, but candidates are humbled anyway.) We are left with vague sense that things will "work out."

THE END.

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