Three big stories of the last week of May 2008 revealed some, well...non-major developments. Still, the week went out with a healthy dose of what grandmothers across the land refer to as "pizzazz." So we hereby celebrate it, for it reminded us that even though we sometimes report the obvious, preaching the news is a gift, like being psychic or spending your birthday in Tijuana!

First - To no one's surprise, Barack Obama formally resigned as a member of Trinity United Church of Christ. He's confident that Jesus will forgive him for wanting to win the presidency more than wanting to stand by his chosen house of worship of 16 years.

Second- Take note, Charlie and Denise! Strong competition in the Bitter Lovers Olympics emerged when 50 Cents' baby mama's house "mysteriously" burnt to the ground, only a few months after he tried to evict Shaniqua Tompkins from the home. She lost a home, but learned what we've known for years--Fiddy, a.k.a. Curtis Jackson, is a man of many names and many gifts, but being an understanding landlord ain't one of them.

Third- In the gleefully riveting sex tape trial of R. Kelly, a forensics video analyst testified that it really is Kells in that video. We think so, too! We compared his performance on tape to the entire Trapped In The Closet video canon (for purely amateur legal and melodic reasons), and we're no experts, but there's only one Pied Piper of R&B! Now that that's taken care of, they can move onto the bigger issues, like why he likes to tape himself engaging in illegal activities.