Hey America, why so glum? Where has that post election glow gone? Has the dismal state of our nation finally sunk in? Well, chin up! The next few weeks will be a cavalcade of parties. First well celebrate bonus free Christmases, followed by a Recession Era New Years. Finally, well catch a ride on party train #3--The Half-Assed Inauguration!

According to professional fun killers over at the New York Times, Baracks inaugural festivities need to be less wacky and tacky than those of the past, in order to achieve the right tone. When did Americans ever give a flying flag about toning things down? Probably not since before Las Vegas was built. Its just not the American way. Sixty years of economic prosperity have taught us to bedazzle and overdo every in sight (Jessica Simpson being the human example of this), so here's our handy guide to a respectful and somber inaugural celebration:

Entertainment: Simmer down Sasha Fierce! We've heard you loud and clear--you're dying to perform at Obama's inauguration. But your particular fierceness (according to noted shy twin, Beyonce) is impossible to reign in, so can anyone tell me who won the last American Idol? Whoever did would be a calmer choice. Hell, even Patti Labelle is tame compared to her. With a hopeful heart we look forward to inauguration 2013 when Sasha can unleash her fierce-itude at a more bombastic inauguration. By that time, Obama will have fixed at least five of the 1,590 problems plaguing America.

Drinks: Breaking out the Dom Perignon is ostentatious during a recession, obviously. Wine coolers should be a revelers Recession-time drink. They barely get you drunk, keeping hangovers at bay, and also act as an effective barrier between horny cell phone owners and drunken booty texts.

Fireworks: Far too costly during our financial crisis! Word on the street is that they're also bad for the environment. So pass! Left over Christmas lights will have to sub as the wow factor this year.

Party Activity: Instead of snooze inducing speeches about how Obama has become our imaginary father, give people a chance to let out some post-Bush aggression. A Bush pinata filled with dollar bills speaks to Americas tone right now.