French Drag Queens, My New Best Friends Ben McCoy | Bio

Since the Harry Winston jewelry heist in Paris on December 4th, the world has been buzzing about what has been called the largest thievery of its kind, perhaps in the history of France. Representatives have reported the stolen earrings, necklaces, watches, and other jewels were worth a total of $108 million (85 million Euro). But what excites me the most is that three of the four armed robbers were in drag. Whether or not they are on hormones, full-time or part-time transgendered ladies, or at all involved in cabaret or lounge-acts has not yet been confirmed.

Being a shady lady is part DNA, part learned survival skill for drag queens, so it should come as no surprise that these queens have not yet been caught. FINALLY, I'm so proud of my people! We all had high hopes for RuPual in the 90's with her short lived VH1 talk-show, and I'm not so sure that her next televised gig America's Next Top Drag Queen, due in 2009 will air without becoming a sequined, boa-ed, wig-tossing free-for-all for homophobic comedians everywhere. Though the 2003 Showtime movie Soldiers' Girl, which told the real-life tragic events of Calpernia Adam's life, and the origins of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," was a monumental and well done representation of a translady's story, the Oscar nominated Transamerica, still had the nerve to cast a genetic female, Desperate Actress Felicity Huffman, to play and portray the leading transgendered lady. In case you're finding it hard to discern my tone here, I found this incredibly lame. Regardless of Huffman's performance, when will Hollywood cast a transgendered lady that requires more than being a cheap punchline in a SNL "man-in-a-dress," sketch?

Investigators believe that the three out of four armed robbers used drag as a way to cloak their identity, and are in fact an arm of an organized group of criminals like the ones portrayed in Ocean's Eleven. I choose not to believe this. First of all, no drag queen I know would even be able to sit through twenty minutes of Ocean's Eleven. "Actress" Julia Roberts is just not giving enough for any fierce queen to project themselves onto. Second, I'm insulted that investigators think drag queens aren't organized enough to commit such a crime. Because of the rampant trans and homophobia that we live in, queens face discrimination daily. Finding a job that doesn't involve selling drugs or tail, is difficult to come by. Straight people are finally getting a taste of what it's been like for transpeople for decades: its always a recession for a drag queen. I also question whether or not any of these investigators have ever been to a cabaret show. Do they know how much attention to detail and organization it takes to correctly apply weave-glue to your eyelids, gently gluing a pair of false eyelashes to the tip, arching a flawless brow-line, not to mention applying the concealer, base, foundation, blush, shadow, contouring, highlighter, and setting powder to one's face? YOU spend five years working at a tranny bar lipsynching for straight people and bridal parties, leaping over plastic blow-up penis hats in four inch stiletto heeled shoes for thirty dollars off the door and wrinkled up dollar bills shoved in your Fredericks of Hollywood water-bra and you'll soon be devising plans for jewelry heists with your drag queen friends, too! Oh, and the other guy who wasn't in drag? Clearly, he's the hair and makeup guy. Every good queen needs a drag-hag.

Experts say the burglars will have a hard time selling or trading the stolen items legitimately due to their luxurious nature. Again, this is just silly. When was the last time you ever heard of a drag queen doing anything legitimate? Besides, performing in the drag circuit is fiercely competitive. As soon as a new music video appears on youtube or a new photo appears of a pop diva, queens leap like crazed hyena's to the M.A.C. counter, fabric stores, and sewing machine to perfect their onstage impersonation. And some tired, played-out bangles from Claire's Accessories is just not enough bling to top off your Look. Obviously these french queens are ambitious, goal-driven performers who have that "competitive edge." And here we Americans have been calling the French lazy for years! While the french officials are investigating the whereabouts of the jewels, they really should be patronizing the cabaret bars like Les Folies Bergère, to see a cheap bejeweled crown being given on-stage to a sly winning pageant queen with a neckline drenched in Harry Winston's finest. Though judging from the intelligence of these gender outlaws, I figure they'll be taking at least a six-month hiatus from lip-synching.

As most queens are, I imagine these particular shady ladies were inspired by Madonna who is after all, the queen of stealing everything. Should the gang of four choose to hide out in the States, I do hope they at least have a real cute weekend stay in NYC. They are more than welcome to hide out at my place, as we complain about flesh-toned panty hose over coffee and eggs, and bitterly confess our romantic woes. Employment isn't the only area of discrimination for transladies, as romance takes the cake for unfair treatment. After dealing with a lifetime of heterosexual men who only want a discreet, behind-hotel-doors "NSA" sexual relationship with a lady-with-something-extra, some Harry Winston jewelry seems an expensive consolation prize. Together my new-found outlaw friends and I would sigh over the fact that H. W. doesn't make luxury clip-on earrings, as we'd pose together with one another for photos I'd later post on MySpace under the title "French Drag Queens, My New Best Friends."

Some of you straight people may have wildly misinformed ideas of why such a heist occurred. On top of the phobia and discrimination that trans people face, we are also constantly expected to be "FIERCE", "FLAWLESS," and "FASHION-FORWARD", which is not cheap, girlfriend. Have you ever considered the cost of laser hair removal to your face, neck, torso, arms, legs, fingers, toes, teeth, personality, and bedding? And though the illegal purchasing of hormone shots may be considerably cheaper, sharing needles hasn't really been trendy since the mid-80s. Don't even get me started on trachea shaving (the reduction of the adam's apple), and other plastic surgeries, as I find them problematic. And don't think such treatments and lavish bank-breaking procedures are purely vanity: "passing," for a translady which means being read by the people who surround you as a female, helps ensure your physical safety in a world where hate crimes still happen. Transladies are still being murdered, beaten, and stabbed for the expression of their identity. The promise of cosmetic enhancements are not only a reflection of one's vanity, but for transladies, one step closer to potentially avoiding physical harm. Suddenly, the desperation and conniving needed to perform such a highly organized robbery isn't so far-fetched.