1. Become Seal's penis.

2. Have sex with a Moose. The meat is very fresh tasting and less fatty; unlike Chastity Bono.

3. Let go of that fart you have been holding onto since prom night.

4. Finally get THAT web cam and THOSE underwear.

5. Update Facebook with your DO NOT RESUSCITATE instructions.

6. Eat a pigturducken--in powdered sugar--with a Pepsi classic.

7. Write the great American novel as a hate text.

8. Have sex with the entire Palin family in one day. (Bring condoms as they are very fertile.)

9. Visit John Mcain's cell at the Hanoi Hilton to see what he he really wrote on the wall.

10. Have celestial seasonings tea with Britney Spears and ask her "what went right?"

11. Take in a Hindi Child and raise him as a Muslim.

12. Finally finish watching the director's cut of Clerks.

13. Start hanging out with your friends who shop lift for you. Be honest and don't be afraid of what saying what you really want. Remember abundance and prosperity are your rights!

14. Apologize to that bum that you never gave a quarter to and finally send him that Fathers Day card.

15. Park in a handicap spot and Moonwalk in to the Wal-Mart.

16. Go up to a hot girl on the street and say "Hey, weren't you Miss New Jersey?" and then ask her take a bath with you in the left over Chardonnay from the Republican convention. (This always works and you will score.)

17. Walk into a 99 cent store with five thousand dollars and buy everything including the security guard. Take guard home and rename him "Epictetus."

18. Kidnap a paparazzo and take pictures of his anus. Send the pictures to his parents with a note that reads, "Look what he's become."

19. Learn the Mayan expression for "Not with MY heart you don't."

20. Place an ad in the casual encounters on Craig's list that reads:

"Gentle soul seeks tight body for end of the world fun. Please send a photo of gold bars or proof of assets. (Off shore is fine.) Open to all diseases. Please no tweekers or straight men looking to experiment when their girlfriend is out of town. I cannot host as I have lost everything and am currently living in yurt filled with human bodies in front of your house. If this is a problem for you that's cool. Just don't lecture me.

Be no older than 25 and be willing to relocate.
Please no endless emails.
Banks are collapsing.

I am horny and this could be your fairy tale ending."