I am a stand up comedian. I depend on the New Year's Eve gig to to make some big bucks, so I was thrilled when I was booked at the Fuckel Hut in Miami Beach's famous nightclub, The Mansion. The guest list there is a mixed group of petulant, cocky younger folk weaned on a steady diet of Dane Cook, Doritos, really good pot, and sloppy, loud orgasms.

My routine went on without a hitch. I was doing my tried and true "You don't want an area rug in the Gaza Strip" routine. The audience was falling for it until I was rudely interrupted by some lesbian drug addicts from Hollywood. Now, please understand, I have nothing against drug addicts. In fact my family is full of drug addicts--some of them have been on Intervention--but even, high, they know better than to interrupt me when I do comedy.

From the stage I could see what appeared to be Lindsay Lohan and Alfred Molina talking loudly in the front row. Turns out that this "man" was her non-specific same-sex lover Samantha Ronson.

I thought to myself: Another hyper-co-dependent lesbian relationship. Why is it always the privileged lesbians who find themselves under the control of some vixen and then out of control in an upscale public venue?

I am sure that I heard Lohan yell out, "Go, colored president!"

This surprised me because I am not the president of anything. Then I remembered that back in November, the young thespian referred to President-elect Barack Obama as the country's "first colored president" in an interview on Access Hollywood. I find it encouraging that she is so politically informed and active. I tried to make a joke to defuse the situation, but at this point the charming couple was going nuclear and screaming at each other.

"I can call anyone I want colored," Lindsay yelled. Rosnon was fuming. Lohan ran out crying. The entire audience followed her. I dropped the microphone and followed, amazed to see that the brawl of the young lesbos fight had spilled out into an alley behind the club. Lohan screeched at Rosnon, "When I storm off, you are supposed to follow me!" I raised my hand and said, "She did." It was a really gross alley.

After this drama, my show was over, and so was my night. I went back to my room to watch Anderson Cooper and Jessica Tandy--or was it Cloris Leachman?--in a red wig bring in the New Year on CNN.

My viewing pleasure was girl-interrupted. I heard a terrible crashing sounds and screaming coming from a nearby room, and then the fight spilled out into the hallway. They were punching each other--in front of families. It was scary.

At one point, Lohan dropped to her knees and cried, "Why are you doing this to me?"
Perhaps Lindsay is not gay, or even bisexual, she maybe trysexual (like Marlon Brando and Joan Crawford before her, she'll try anything.) Either way, it's about her daddy issues. (Like Jesus Christ before her) She is very troubled and that is why she wanted Ronson to follow her.

Eventually hotel security was called and photos were taken of the girls' "trashed" room. "Mirrors were broken and it was a complete mess," the visibly-shaken manager said.

Looks like us guys will be getting LiLo back any day now. I only wish I had given them my copy of Chicken Soup for the Lesbian Drug-Addicted Souls. But I had traded it at a Prop 8 rally for a protest sign that read, "You can't lick Lesbians."

It is a shame that Lohan's family doesn't help her. We men are also to blame, since so many of us used her when she was so young. I know it did. When I rented Freaky Friday I didn't even watch the ending.

What a terrible beginning for my new year! The following day in the lobby, Lindsay Lohan asked me, "If the New York Post ever wrote about this, could you be the spy?"

I said, "Yes, I would be honored to be a spy for love."

Then, without warning, this bitch Samantha jumps on me like a Klingon and starts D.J.-ing my face. This was worse than New Year's Eve '88 in Malibu when I had to watch Sean Penn truss Madonna up like a turkey.

As we go to press Lindsay Lohan claims she hasn't split with Samantha Ronson and has asked media outlets to get their stories "straight" well that's the problem. Lohan has to the get the story "gay." There is an elephant in the room here and its seems to be wearing comfortable shoes and has its tusk in a "dike."