History teaches us that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. Nobody said anything about the price of electronics...

On "Black Friday," 147 million Americans went shopping from sea to shining mall. A day of cursing, clawing, casualties, and endless traffic jams. But nothing prepared me to turn on the CNN and see those obese barbarians crushing each other at the doors of Wal-Mart, Macy's and Target. From the safety of my modest bungalow, I began to wonder, Who are these renegades in poly-cotton XXL sweatshirts looking like they ate so much food at Thanksgiving dinner that Target will not be the only one with a post-Thanksgiving Day blowout?

Shopping has become the new war. Traditionally, war has been an experience that allowed a boy to enter a distance realm to be transformed and return home a man. In this war, a boy enters the mall, is transformed, and returns home a woman.

This new war also brings novel questions to ponder: who is the enemy? who are the French in this war? and why do the people have to get up so early?

I drove out to a M*A*S*H unit near a suburban Best Buy to see firsthand what these militant shoppers have to endure. I met a six-year Black Friday veteran who was knocked on the head by a 98-inch plasma screen TV.

I'll call him "Best Buy Joe."

B.B. Joe is lying on a stretcher with an I.V. drip. For comfort, he's clutching a Chia pet.

I try to sound cheerful. "Well, I see you got your shopping done."

"Not hardly," he snorts, aiming his bargain-hunter's eyes at me. "I still got buddies in stores everywhere. I should be back with them."

Pulling up a chair, I say "Joe, this madness!"

But, he explains it all to me. "The general public deserves a stable environment so they can shop more responsibly."

Joe shook his head, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Americans think shopping is glorious. But like war, it is only beautiful to those who know nothing about it."

His tone became agitated. "Yes, shopping has become barbaric. But if we don't shop in this country who will? The Chinese?"

"Remember, President Bush asked us to show our patriotism in September, 2001 by returning to the stores. These were orders. Those who don't engage in full-blown shopping should be tried for treason! But the liberal media don't want to show you what it's like in the malls. It's too much for the people, especially strip malls, where you're exposed to the elements."

Joe is on roll and in an altered state.

"At the mall in West Covina, there are pools of blood, mangled Krispy Kremes. I may get a purple heart for a recovered bomb-belt from a thwarted Cinnabons attack.

"Shopping is difficult but glorious work. It is how we honor this great land." Joe's eyes roll back in his head. He's delirious, probably hallucinating.

A girl is brought in suffering from acute fragrance overload. Apparently, Kate Spade perfume creates a lethal combination when mixed with Channel. Her left breast is exposed and her eyes are wide and unseeing.

"The thousand-yard stare," Joe says. "You see it on the newbies. Me, I've been doing Black Fridays since before there was a Pottery Barn."

"Do you think you're a hero?" I ask flatly.

"No, I'm just a grunt. All the real heroes are still out there, battling in the malls and Gallerias. I am no hero. I am just out here to shop and support the shoppers."

Still not convinced, I mutter, "Yeah, but I wonder if it's all worth it."

"That's traitor talk," he snarls, grabbing my collar and pulling me close. "You want to know why it's worth it? The look on your wife's face when you bring home that 6th tall Chocolate Fountain or that bag of 30 cotton panties. Then you'll know why we do it. And why we'll keep doing it till every retailer in every part of this stinking world gets the message.

"Don't mess with our freedoms. Don't short-change us. And don't forget your gift receipt. Don't even think about not honoring the returns and exchanges policies.

"And, don't worry. I'll keep coming back. Year after year. I'm no quitter. I'll re-up next year, stuffed with turkey and loaded for bear."

Best Buy Joe stops to cough violently, his pent-up rage boiling over. Finally, the spasm ceases and he collapses, "And they wonder why shoppers drink."