Bigfoot is a child molester. Get over it.

I know you read about him in elementary school, fascinated by the black and white photo you found in a Big Book of Mysteries. I know you saw Harry and the Hendersons and wanted to adopt him. I know all of this. But that guy wants to play with your wiener. A lot, apparently.

Poor Gene Morrill can tell you all about it. When he was a child, Bigfoot used to sneak into his room and give him a little slap and tickle when no one was looking. And when little Gene grew up, taking a cue from the hirsute predator, he developed a liking for boy-flesh as well.

"You alright! I learned it by watching you!"

You might think this was the first time a mythical creature was implicated in a crime, but if that's really what you think, then you sure are an insensitive asshole. I've done a lot of research on the subject, actually. Below are some of the most famous beasts of lore and the crimes they been convicted of:

The Jackalope

Credited with the downfall of Dave Coulier's career, the Jackalope was arrested in Naples, Florida in 1998 after swerving off the road and hitting an elderly woman. He later tested positive for both Oxycontin and alcohol. His blood alcohol level was a staggering 50%. During his time in prison, he authored the book Jackeloping about self pleasure, also becoming a minister. Now living in San Jose, he currently shares an apartment with Seth "Shifty" Binzer, and is involved in a youth counseling program, also working at Carl's Jr. to make ends meet.

The Jersey Devil

After murdering a calf in 1957, the creature known as the Jersey Devil went into hiding for fear of persecution. Realizing that people eat calves all the time and that he would not be prosecuted, the Devil returned to prowl the night later that year. Marrying a Ms. Pepper Johnson in 1963, the Devil promptly ate her whole, remarking to the press that she was "even sweeter than he imagined." In the summer of 1995, however, it would be his love for gambling that would eventually be his undoing. Busted with over 100 illegal Megatouch XL units in a warehouse outside of Philadelphia, the Jersery Devil was sentenced to prison for 10 years. Ironically, he was never convicted of murder. Having been released from jail in 2002 for good behavior, the Jersey Devil has had small roles on The Sopranos and has also appeared on the dating show Cheaters. He is represented by OhEyOh Management.

The Loch Ness Monster

"Nessie" was arrested in 2007 for exposing his genitals to group of school children in the Scottish Highlands near his home. Police found numerous pornographic photos at his home including a large collection of erotic Japanese anime. It was later revealed that "Nessie" was just a local pervert named Niall who left his bed sores unattended for quite some time, lending to his monstrous appearance.

The Chupacabra

Known to his friends as "Choop," the Chupacabra led the vicious L.A. street gang, the "Crips" in the mid 1980s before moving to the south of France and becoming an underwear model. But as trends changed in the 1990s, so did the Chupacabra, and by the end of the decade, the corpulent, and possibly scaly creature had gained weight and lost most of his hair. "Choop" moved back to America and found fame in Las Vegas, impersonating Cheech Marin in the one man revue Cheech! He later married his high school sweetheart, Marisol, and had two children, both of whom are currently incarcerated for, you guessed it, goat-sucking.