Are there any heroes left?

Who will the children look up to now that the infallible, incomparable and devastatingly handsome Lil' Wayne has been arrested on felony drug changes? It's frankly shocking to hear that the rapper was caught with four ounces of marijuana, just over an ounce of cocaine, 41 grams of Ecstasy, miscellaneous drug paraphernalia, a .40-caliber pistol and $22,000 in cash. First, I just want to say that I know how it is to have a lot of money on you. I have a Banana Republic Gift Card that if I lost, I'd be pissed. But $22,000 is admittedly a little excessive. However, the weed, coke and X...well...now you know why he has the gun. If somebody tried to jack your shit, you need something to fend them off, right?

What's important to note is that he is a human being, first and foremost. He makes mistakes, okay, just like you do. Sure they're big and, yes, any rational human would not travel with such a wide array of drugs...unless of course they were a complete idiot. But you need to get up out of his business! He doesn't have to explain anything to you! Let The Lord handle this one, okay?

Wait.

What do you mean, who is Lil' Wayne?

Mom? Mom, you know who Lil' Wayne is. Everyone knows who Lil' Wayne is. He's the most household name in the Cash Money Millionaires! Perhaps you know him by his other names...Weezy F. Baby, Young Carter, Birdman Jr., Lil Weezy? Nothing? Not ringing any bells?

God, Mom look, he's a huge, huge star so just look him on Wikipedia for chrissakes! (or as I like to call it, The Fat Immobile Nerd's Encyclopedia)

No Mom! I do not know why a grown man would tattoo his eyelids. I know you think it's gross, but you said that about men wearing earrings in the '80s, and now it's practically commonplace. Hell, you've forgotten about it, so why can't you let this go?

Listen, we're not just here to judge Lil' Wayne. I'm here to help.

Lil' Wayne is no doubt going through a turbulent time and I've written a rap song for him that I hope will inspire him to make better choices in the future.

That is, if he has one.

Enjoy.

Shine Yo Teef Up
By Brandon T. Snider

Lil' Weezy can ya hurr me?
Lil' Weezy can ya spurr me?
I need ta tell a lil' sturry, so take a listen don't try 'n hurry.
Ya'll be dippin', ya'll be sippin', chicks' be jockin', bootz be knockin'
Five Oh gon' roll up, pig done stroll up, askin' whurr da club at, bitches betta heard dat
Nigga jacks yo pistol, coke and booze 'n crystal, now there ain't no party an dem hoes ain't gettin' nawty

Damn that shit is crazy! What I'm gon' tell my baby? Daddy dun gots arrested, wearin' suits dats double bressted?
Da judge done come and set yo bail, betta throw dat' paper if you wan' sail

You gon' be in jail fo' the rest yo' life 'less you clean yo act up an' cut dat strife
So keep dat chin up Birdman Jay, and say that durrty thang you say

You betta shine yo teef up nice n' purrty...
(shine yo teef up nice n' purrty!)
You betta shine yo teef up nice n' purrty...
(shine yo teef up nice n' purrty!)
You betta shine yo teef up nice n' purrty...
(shine yo teef up nice n' purrty!)

THE END.

The moral of this rap is that no one wants to be in jail and that if you are a rapper who does drugs and carries large amounts of cash, I have a feeling that one of these days you will go to jail. The refrain is meant to instill the fear of possibly having to give a larger inmate fellatio. The act of "shining" one's "teef up nice n' purrty" indicates that said inmate is ready for the actual act of fellatio and likes it when his "bitches" have a nice smile.

You can read this and many more raps in my new book, The White Ohioan's Guide to Writing Acceptable Rap Songs.