Dick-loving, Idahoan Sex-a-tor Larry Craig is being deluged with more allegations of naughty behavior as his past man-suitors keep coming out of the wood work, so to speak.

In honor of this occasion, I've elected to write Larry an open letter about some ideas I had that can potentially re-invigorate his ailing livelihood.

Dear Larry Craig,

You dawg! You heart breaker! You just can't keep it in your trousers can you? We all know the feeling, stud muffin. Menz gots ta take care a'dey bidnez! But Larry...we gotta rap, man to man. But not in the way you're thinking. You see, you have to cut out this funny business, my friend. All the skulking nonsense has got to stop. Now, I don't have any Pollyanna-ish ideas about what's happening in Washington but bathroom bee jays, Larry Craig? Gross. Don't be upset that all of your man-whores are tattle-taling. They're just trying to set the record straight (get it, Larry?) And besides, even if it's uber-suspicious and highly questionable to trust a bunch of male prostitutes, the damage has been done, you know? It's high time you turn a negative into a positive and embrace it, girlfriend. We (and by "we" I mean America) don't care if you're a big gay gay. Well, maybe we do. But that's only because you built the "I'm not gay" wall around yourself. And we all know what happens to walls, Larry...like Joshua and the battle of Jericho, they all come a tumblin' down.

That's from The Bible, but you probably knew that.

So I figure, a toe-tapper like you needs to re-invent himself and I've got a few ideas as to how you can do it. American needs you out and about, big boy, so listen up. Take out your Lisa Frank notebook and write these down.

Did someone say talk show? How about a whirlwind tour of the daytime chat circuit? It's a little different than the circuit you're probably used to, but there will most likely be a killer craft service table which is always a plus. Or why not try hosting your own talk show? Burly lesbian Rosie O'Donnell has cornered the closeted mom demographic but no one has yet to really tackle the coveted and elusive closeted dad demo. "WWE Smackdown" and the late "Jim J. & Tammy Faye Show" not withstanding. What you need is a "wide" audience to come out to and gain the acceptance of, through delightful and thought provoking conversations with vacant celebrities. You can even have a side kick! I'm thinking it could be a huge black transsexual cabaret performer named Crystal Ballz. We could increase the demo!

Or perhaps a competition reality show like American Idol? A bunch of lithe party boys in a house all competing for some undefined thing that no one will care about anyway. You can incorporate all of your favorite "sports". VH1/MTV would pick it up in a hot second. They're doing a show with that big Myspace slut, so a top politico like you would be a shoe in! You could call it something clever like "America's Next Top Bottom" or something to that effect. Add a gaggle of celebrity judges like Judy Tenuta, Nathan Lane and somebody who once did something in fashion, and it'll be a hit!

Oh, I know! How about a hidden camera show? You can call it "Craig's List" and every week you can choose one horny, closeted man who you've met online and then surprise his family by outing him. It'll combine the uncomfortable-ness of "Intervention" with the sheer hilarity of "Punk'd". And the best part is that you could have a sassy catch phrase like "You've been Craig's Listed!" God, America would eat that shit up!

Or you can just admit your mistakes and move on. It's the least interesting option but it might be the best. Oh and by "mistakes", I mean lying to yourself and cheating on your wife. Not the blowing dudes thing. I doubt many dudes would call getting a blow job a mistake...unless of course, it came from you. And that would be gross, Larry! Anyway, you should stop denying the things that you should have just accepted a long time ago and get the eff over it. You've made a mountain out of a mole-hill, Larry Craig, and while your vehement denials are wildly entertaining, they're meaningless. America kind of...um...doesn't believe you. Despite making some poor choices in the past (you know what I'm talking about...rhymes with "mush"), the U.S.A. sometimes hits it right on the nose (Kelly Clarkson, for example). We also kind of don't care anymore. And I'll be honest; you're really wasting our time these days. We're tryin' to elect a president ovah here! We don't have any more time for your gay-nanigans.

Pick an option from the above suggestions so I can set up an appointment with Bunim-Murray Productions. As you know, they'll produce just about anything that involves or has involved past and future humiliation. And more importantly, keep your chin up, champ. I'm sure that being gay probably isn't as bad as you think it is. It just means you can't serve openly in the Army or have the right to marry.

For a playa like you, that sounds like a pretty sweet deal, eh?

Best Regards,
Brandon