• Nothing may be asked of Governor Palin that ends in a question mark.
• Reporters must stand at least thirty yards from the governor at all times. This has nothing to do with her looking less confused from further away. Nothing at all. It has to do with personal space. And sexism.
• If Mrs. Palin is asked a question but answers a seemingly different question, then upon being asked a second and third time gives the exact same answer, well, it's time to stop asking her and back up another ten yards.
• Before responding to issues on the economy, Governor Palin will be afforded two minutes of playful clues via the warmer/colder game. If she's not getting any warmer at that point, then you will mouth her the answer off-camera.
• There will be no direct eye contact made with the governor at any time. We're going to nip that petty intimidation tactic right in the bud.
• You may ask Governor Palin about her experience with foreign affairs solely pertaining to her two trips abroad to Canada and Mexico. You may also have the opportunity to pass around the snow-globe and sombrero she acquired during these global expeditions.
• All questions about immigration, education and her signature hairstyle will be dismissed due to their obvious sexist nature--so just go ahead and scribble those off your list right now. Frankly, you should know better.
• Todd, the "First Dude," will more than likely be standing behind his wife with a glazed, scared, angry look on his face. Please do not disturb him with questions--the man has a pork roast in the oven and three soccer games to get to.
• There will be no mention made of Troopergate. Even separately, the words "trooper" and "gate" are off limits. As are the words Iran, Iraq, Russia, Korea, Georgia, Pakistan, Venezuela, Israel, Africa and fetus.
• Additionally, no divisive partisan vocabulary will be allowed, such as, "supply" and "demand." A full list of no-nos will be handed out before entering the room.
• Finally, when Governor Palin delivers her "Thanks but no thanks" punch line, you will pretend you've never heard it before and applaud her refreshing candor with a rousing chant of "Sass Attack!"