Denver, CO - As the Democratic Party engages in its quadrennial exercise in futility, here's a look at the surprises they have in store to win voters' hearts and minds.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM - Ceremonial Terrorist Fist-Jab led by Michelle Obama
4:20 PM - Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire - Hillary Clinton
4:30 PM - Jesse Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing "Great Balls of Fire"
4:45 PM - UFO Abduction Survival Tips - Dennis Kucinich
5:00 PM - John Edwards Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Hotel Bathroom
5:30 PM - Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Emperors VIP Club
6:00 PM - Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Acceptance Speech Featuring a 23-Minute Question and Two-Hour Answer
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
8:45 PM - Hillary Clinton Releases Her Delegates and Flying Monkeys
9:00 PM - Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo - Michael Moore
9:30 PM - Exclusive Panties-Optional Celebrity Party Hosted by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Congressman William "Cold Cash" Jefferson
10:00 PM - Denunciation of Bitter and Clingy Gun Owners
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Denial of Progress in Iraq and Waving of White Flag
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM - Free Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick Pep Rally
11:30 PM - Al Gore Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish - Obama Presiding
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama via Text Message Sent by Scarlett Johansson
12:01 AM - Barack Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Hillary Clinton Delivers Acceptance Speech