Dear Chuck P,

I am divided between John McCain and Barack Obama on the issue of the Iraq war. Which candidate has a more feasible and comprehensive approach to the situation in the Middle East? - Confused and Divided

Dear CAD,

More than you realize, Zoophilia has become almost commonplace in Western society. We've all heard the one about the dog and the peanut butter, and the donkey show you can purchase in Tijuana, but what about the vaguely erotic, emotional bestiality that goes on in most homes every day? It's not that weird of a concept when you let it sit around in your skull for awhile. How many people in America love their dog more than their spouse? How many lonely women have spurned love over and over again to remain with their cats? Even those stinking ferrets get more affection in their short life spans than we get in our 100 plus years on earth.

Sort of like: The ease in which you can project love and devotion on something that can't communicate with you. Sort of like: the only way we can love is by ownership. Sort of like: our desperate need to be needed.

With that in mind, do you think we really deserve to win a war? Vote for which ever candidate has the fewest pets.

Dear Chuck P,

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately. He was raised in an ultra-religious, conservative household and is determined to vote Republican in the coming election! Meanwhile here I am, as liberal as one could be without joining the Green Party. How can we save our love life from our personal politics? - Afraid to Be Alone

Dear ABA,

Are you one hundred percent sure that the person sleeping next to you is really a man? Positive? I'm just asking because the instances of female-to-male gender dysphoria have been on a sharp incline in the 21st century, almost beating out their Male-to-Female transsexual counterparts. The waiting time is much shorter too, for successful female mastectomies and testosterone therapy. There is also way less psychological evaluation for people who believe they are men trapped in a woman's body. Because, even today, who wouldn't believe that it's a man's world? I am not saying that this is definitely the case, just something to watch out for.

Like: the lack of an Adam's apple. Or: the Anabolic steroids in his suitcase. Or: the ghost of PMS that makes him irrationally think that voting Republican will do anything to help the economy.

Next Question.

Dear Chuckie P,

I am the president of a really big country. For anomaly's sake, let's call it the "United States of Awesomeness"! GO USA!

Anywhoodiddle, I think my subjects are starting to lose faith in me. What would you suggest to make the rest of the country love me as much as my daddy? Or more?

Love, George

Dear George,

Hamlet had a tough time of it, but he was still the prince of the Danes. Oedipus was going along fine until he went snooping around. Even Moses would have been better off if he hadn't tried to show off in front of God. The point being: You will never do enough to impress Daddy.

The point being: Capitalism and consumerist culture are just thing we've created fill the void where our parents didn't love us enough. The point being: Go crazy, kid. We're all doomed anyway.

Hope this helps.

Love,
Chuck P