As if the food shortages weren't bad enough, now witchdoctors in Congo are being lynched because they've been causing men impotence, penis shrinkage, and even penis disappearance. Eye witnesses have come forward and told the police that they have seen men with shrunken penises (insert white/Asian penis joke here).

But how did this penis panic begin? A little white lie about a little penis got out of hand. I guarantee that some guy was with his new girlfriend and upon hearing her laughter in bed, he stammered "I swear it used to be bigger, and solid as a rock, but a...a witchdoctor grabbed my arm and put a curse on me!" Naturally, that's not the kind of story that stays in the bedroom, next thing you know, every inadequate feeling man is 'fessing up to being a victim of a witchdoctor and the pandemic was born.

Fortunately, as with many plights that are terrorizing developing nations, the West has already created a cure. All that's left now is for the UN to get off its ass and put together an Enzyte-Viagra Relief Program before any more violence spreads, and so we can free these people from the heinous clutches of the penis-tampering witchdoctors!

It might not help them with their wives who demand more money to pay for the rising costs of food and necessities, but it will give them back their confidence. Besides, all of those people with lots of food are compensating for something.