Fuck you Iowa! I'm sick and tired of all this election attention you keep getting. What makes you so special? Your caucus comes first? Premature election is not something to be proud of, and I'm pretty sure they have a pill for it.

Every election year, millions of dollars are spent campaigning in Iowa. When do I get to see some of that action? Hell, the only campaign ad I've actually seen is the Chuck Norris one, and I only saw that because it was Chuck Norris. The only bumper stickers I've seen since this election kicked off are Kerry/Edwards '04!

Why can't I see some of those commercials? Is my vote not good enough? My senator seems to think so. Chris Dodd has up and moved his family to Iowa. Chris, buddy, shouldn't you be spending some time with your constituents? I hate to get all technical, but you are still a senator from Connecticut, and it might just be me, but I sort of like having two. Is there some way we can elect an alternate like we did in elementary school that time when our class representative's dad got a new job and had to move to Philly? Or at least get a draft pick out of this?

The only candidate who has left Iowa so far in '08 is Huckabee, and he's only doing that to appeal to the coveted Leno fans in the Iowa demographic. Anybody want to break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar we call the election? Cause I am starved for some political attention over here, and I don't think I'm alone.

Activists are always saying that every vote counts; clearly, Iowa votes are the equivalent of the British Pound compared to my Chilean Peso.