Throughout the Financial Crisis, the bailouts, the stimulus package, the foreclosures, the layoffs, and all of the other crap that's been going on in the economy this year, one thing has remained constant; one thing has remained unchanged by the upheaval of our economy; one thing has remained unfettered by the myriad amount of crap going on in the world today: Ben Bernanke's beard.

Ben's been rocking his peppery beard all along. When Bernanke took over the Fed in February 2006, many believed that his beard was a shining example of all that a beard could be: a beard in the likes of Lincoln, a beard that other men throughout the world could look up to and attempt to equal in its greatness. And Bernanke's beard became a beacon for stability in an unrelenting world. But as we sink further into recession, we must question our once undeniable beliefs, and we must begin to wonder how Bernanke was able to grow such a godly beard. Perhaps one man's desire to grow a beard that could challenge the very concept of the perfect beard led him astray. Perhaps on a dark winter's night in the midst of an ice storm, a young Ben Bernanke began to rub his patchy beard as the air around him warmed in an instant as a lone shadow approached him. Perhaps Bernanke gave up his very sole for Lucifer's beard. A beard of pure evil that has brought our economy to its knees.

There is one sign the Fed can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the end of the recession. Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bernanke, if you seek financial restoration, if you seek prosperity for the United States and the entire world, if you seek a strong economy, Mr. Bernanke purchase a new razor, Mr. Bernanke, lather your face, Mr. Bernanke, shave off that beard!