The United States and China are locked in a heated race for global human rights violations supremacy. While it was predicted that China would win the overall violations count, the U.S. is putting it's weakening money where China's one billionth mouth is. Did that make any sense? Read it again to find out. Use this handy reference sheet to keep track of all the action and find out who will emerge as the Human Rights Violations Champion 2008!

Internet Censorship Information Relay

USA: Allows free flow of political information on internet because it knows that over-saturation of information is the key to a bamboozled and docile citizenry.

China: Blocks all negative political and social news via the internet, BUT offers streaming online access to every episode of 30 Rock.

Togo: We don't have internet.

China: Gold

USA: Silver

Togo: Bronze

The Political Dissension-Athon

USA: Dealt with negative Guantanamo Bay press by renaming it with the cuter moniker of 'Gitmo.'

China: With their public image still reeling from the 1989 Tiananmen Square protests, attempted to revise history by re-naming it "That Dude So Totally Wanted It."

Germany: Following USA's lead, Auschwitz to now be known as 'Schwitzy.'

Germany: Gold (In an upset!)

China: Silver

USA: Bronze

Misinformation Freestyle

China: Keeps its citizens confused by mocking the phrase 'Hunan Rights Violations.'

USA: Distracts its public by putting the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men on the 2008 ballot.

Togo: We don't have information either.

USA: Gold

China: Silver

Togo: Bronze

Espionage-astics

USA: Used Julia Child as a spy! I can't believe we used to do that! Boy, I'm sure glad the CIA doesn't do that stuff now, that would be...hang on, there's some guys in black suits at the door.

China: In a recent spy scandal where four alleged Chinese spies were arrested for stealing U.S. weapons system secrets. It was also discovered that Chinese-born movie star Jet Li was forced to change his birth name: Classified Cloaking Bomber Li.

Tajikstan: We had one spy, we lost him in Togo.

USA: Gold, I said you got the gold, just please, stop!

China: Silver

Tajikstan: Dirt

Men's Basketball

USA: The Olympics aren't about focusing on the negative - LOOK, IT'S KOBE!

China: The Olympics aren't about focusing on the negative - LOOK, IT'S WANG ZHIZHI!

Mexico: Wouldn't you think we'd have more than one medal - LOOK, IT'S WANG ZHIZHI!

USA: Gold

China: Wang

Mexico: Zhizhi

The 3200 Meter High Treason

USA: Gitmo will be closed when we're damn good and ready!

China: We have no need for secret courts. I'm sorry? We can't hear you...no, come closer, closer ... QUICK, BAG HIM!! As we were saying: China has no need for secret courts.

Switzerland: How can Ethiopia have more medals than us?!

USA: These Medals Don't Run

China: Platinum. Any questions?

Togo: We now have more medals than citizens.