Arthur Fonzarelli was indicted today by federal prosecutors for bilking investors out of more than $50 billion worth of leather jackets in a classic Fonzi scheme.

Whistle blower Matsumoto "Arnold" Takahashi stated that Fonzarelli had been using his diner as a front to house the jackets. Takahashi told federal agents about the scheme after a heated argument where Fonzarelli used a racial slur to refer to Takahashi.

"I'm sick of people saying all Asians are the same. My name is Takahashi, if that idiot can't tell the difference between a 'Jap' and a 'Gook,' he deserves whatever he gets." The Kenosha Asian-American Alliance was not available for comment as she was stuck in traffic.

According to the indictment, Fonzarelli gave leather jackets to new investors that belonged to old investors. The scheme fell apart when nerdy investors, amid a totally un-cool economy, wanted their jackets back.

It is reported that Fonzarelli was bartering the jackets in order to finance lavish stays at the Madison, Wisconsin Travelodge and box seats at Lambeau Field. Fonzarelli reportedly attempted to use his influence to land his ex-girlfriend, Pinky Tuscadero, a role in the new Weezer video.

Fonzarelli, spotted leaving a hardware store, initially refused to answer questions from reporters. After being pressed, he then responded "No comment."

When reporters stared at him blankly, he added, "Alright, fine. Ayyyyy ... no comment." The reporters then laughed heartily and proceeded to eat each other's faces.