Inspired by the brilliant Doug Benson's column "I Love Movies!" at www.handheldcomedy.com, here are my reviews of recent films I haven't seen (and never will):

The Bucket List - I guess Jack and Morgan can cross "star in a worthless piece of shit" off their bucket lists now.

I'm Not There - Neither is the audience.

Mad Money - Finally, a feature-length biopic about Jim Cramer.

Definitely, Maybe - The next word in this progression describes the chances of me going to see this piece of crap.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets - Secret #1: How Nic Cage went from being an awesome actor to an embarrassing tool.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - Did Fiona Apple come up with that title?

Atonement - Too bad the writers' strike didn't kick in before they started on this.

My Kid Could Paint That - Hell, your kid could DIRECT this.

There Will Be Blood - Thankfully, there will ALSO be another seven years before P.T. Anderson releases another bloated, over-rated epic.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead - This movie was on it's way to video before the audience knew they released it.

No Country For Old Men - How many spoof porno titles can you come up with from this?