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December 04, 2008
Big 3 Auto Executives Also Agree to Pay Employees $1 a Year

Erik Sean Nelson | Bio

The Top Brass at the Big 3 (Or "The Oily Trinity") has said that they will reduce their salaries to $1 dollar a year to show that they really mean business when it comes to a bailout.

They have also made some new promises:

  • We will build a car that runs on Hydrogen. Project Codename: Zeppelin

  • We will make cars that run on French Fry Grease Bio-Diesel as long as the salesman can be rude to you when you buy the car and then spit in your drink in the cup holder.

  • To placate the GOP we will make all backseats even more uncomfortable to have teenage sex in.

  • Airbags will also shoot out confetti to make your near-death experience more festive.

  • All cars will refuse to start unless your recite the Pledge of Allegiance twelve times (a hassle that is exempt to all Congressmen who vote yes on the bailout)

  • All car purchases get free audio-books for your stereo from the Executive's personal library. Enjoy Donald Trump's YOUR FIRED! (Odds are you probably are) Enjoy the Turner Diaries. (It's funny cause it's true) Then listen to a special audio version of Roger & Me sped up so fast that that fat little turd sounds like a chipmunk.

  • We will stop charging $1600 for built-in GPS systems, which could be bought for $100 at Wal-Mart. Instead we will charge $1900 so that our profitability will increase to help repay the taxpayer. Or you can choose the $800 model, which is a hobo in your passenger seat with a map.

We will also make financial sacrifices:

  • We will reduce salaries to $1 an hour to stay competitive with the salary plan at Everything's a Dollar. (Soon to be renamed "Gifts For Those I Don't Care For").

  • The executive lavatory will eliminate expensive toilet paper and start paying a nice Frenchman named Bidet to wash our Asses. That's another job in the economy's tank.

  • We will stop using company credit cards to buy diamonds for our mistresses. Those dumb blonds won't notice cubic zirconium. By the time they do, it's time for the next woman who wants to be with a man who makes one dollar a year...oh wait...damn...scrap the whole thing.

Filed under: auto bailout, big three automakers, automaker bailout, automaker crisis, automaker CEOs, big 3 automakers, big three automakers Washington, big three automakers Congress, big three automakers campaign, big 3 bailout, automakers Washington campaign, automakers bailout Washington, automakers meet in Washington, automakers meeting, Chrysler bailout, Ford bailout, GM bailout, auto industry crisis, auto industry bailout, financial crisis, automobile industry crisis, Chrysler, Ford, GM