Obama wants Senator Joe Lieberman to remain in the Democratic Caucus as long as he agrees to one of the following:

1) Leave the Homeland Security Committee and join the Mall Security Committee to tackle the rising incidences of kids taking more than one free Chik-Fil-A sample. He will also combat growing homosexual hate crimes of gay cow-tipping at Dairy Queen.

2) Change his party affiliation from "Independent" to "Incontinent."

3) Admit that Jesus and Magicians prefer doves to hawks.

4) His re-election campaign slogan will have to be "Et tu Jewtus"

5) Cannot promise male voters for his third-party candidacy that they will get "Third-Input."

6) Will teach a course at the Benedict Arnold School of Patriotic Studies on "When The Freshwater Tangy Smell of Bipartisanship is Actually You Just Being a Vinegar and Water Douche."